Just Taking It Day by Day

Just another day at the office!

2012-01-02T21:28:00.000-06:00

So, here we are on January 2nd! Casey and the kids all were still off today. I, on the other hand, had to head back to work. All in all, it was an ok day. Not too busy at work, got caught up on all the paperwork that I had to get caught up on. The low of the day was going to the funeral visitation of a co-worker. This is a really hard thing too. He was a great guy. Very level headed guy who knew how to calm me down when I would get frustrated at work. He only worked with me one or two times a week at most usually. But I always enjoyed working with him. He died on my 10th anniversary last week. They say it was a heart attack. His daughter is Carter's teacher, and she taught Mikaela too. He has been a fixture in this community for quite a while, and it just sucks! I almost felt like Mike was kind of like a grandfather to me. I know tomorrow will be really hard at his memorial, (he was cremated).

So, needless to say, I didnt make it to the rec tonite to work out. Right before the visitation I felt a migraine moving in, so I wouldnt have made it anyhow. Plus, I need to find my misplaced Ipod! Cant do my C25K without music and my program! LOL

Maybe tomorrow!

I am hoping tomorrow goes ok getting the rugrats up since they have been getting to sleep in. I tried waking them up this morning before I headed in to work. No surprise that they didnt want to get up.

I guess I really dont have anything fun and exciting to talk about today. Hope we all have a great rest of the week! (:

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T11:20:00.000-06:00

.It is January 1, 2012! Wish I had some super cool words to share. We did have fun at the get together we went to last nite. I think I had more fun than Casey did of course...cuz I had more alcohol than he did. It was a complete family activity. The kids got to go too! It was cool! Lots of fireworks at midnite...lots of food...and a ton of friends just hanging out together.

I have to admit, I always get a little sad about going into a new year. Not that 2011 was anything special this year. Actually in a way, I am kinda looking forward to 2012. I really hope this is the best year yet. Sometimes it is a struggle...with everything it seems. I tend to feel like I am the one who has all the stress on me. I'm sure Casey feels the same way...but hell if I know it. Communication...that is what we need! Guess I should include that in my goals for this year too.

I almost wish the rec was open today so I could go start my running back up. Think I will try the Couch to 5K program again. It seems to be a good program!!

One year!

2011-12-31T18:27:00.000-06:00

Been almost a full year since I have been here. I have thought of posting something. But every single time I have thought of posting, it has only been negative stuff. I have decided that I am going to try to start blogging again. It seemed to help me before. So I am hoping that I will be able to do it again. I guess the main reason I wasnt able to blog had to do with the fact that I didnt really have my own computer to just blog whenever I want to. But thankfully I have another net book! I started selling Scentsy a few months ago, and that made it possible for me to purchase another netbook! Thank goodness!!

So being that it is New Year's Eve, I guess I should make myself accountable by putting out there what I would like to accomplish in the year 2012! I dont really want to call them resolutions, cuz they never seem to happen.

1. Get back into running! Last year I felt so much better when I attempted to exercise. And I did so good up until we went to Arizona for spring break. Over in Europe they dont prescribe anti-depressants as much, but they do prescribe exercise. I believe that it works too! So I am going to attempt to get back into running!

2. Try to work on my finances! I think that tends to be some of my marriage issues. Not all of it, but I think that will help. I think that will make me feel better too! I am due for an upgrade on my cell phone in May. I really would like to get the new Samsung Mesmerize 2 when it comes out...and I'm eligible. So I am going to use this as my motivation!

3. Try not to be so down, have a more positive outlook about everything. I think this will make me better all the way around. I am going to try not to be so snappy with my family. I am hoping if #1 and #2 work, then that will help with this too!

4. Stop biting my damn nails! I love how they look when they are long, but it is just a bad habit that I have a hard time not doing. Once again, I think #1 and #2 can help with this also! Sooooo...I guess I really need to work on them huh! LOL

5. Work on keeping my house clean! Maybe if I can work on the finances, then I will be able to buy things to decorate the house up to what I see in my mind!

Whew! I think I feel a little better just putting that out there. Maybe I will be able come blog more too, as a release of sorts. Last year when I was running, I always felt better when I held myself accountable by putting what distance I went and the time, etc.

A new year! 2011

2011-01-09T22:38:00.000-06:00

Wow!! Another year has gone by!! I cant believe it!! I am hoping for 2011 to be a good year. But then again, I always hope it will be a good new year. I tend to get a little sad each New Years eve...especially thinking back on all that has happened in the past year, good and bad.

Im trying to make this be a good year. I am going to try to make use of this rec center we have here! So, i have been going up and using the treadmill some. And the bike, and the elliptical a small bit! Someone on facebook mentioned a program call couch to 5k. So, I have been using it. So far I have finished the first week. There were a few times last summer/fall that I wished I was a runner. So here I am.

I am amazed at how fast the years seem to be flying by. I cant believe I have an 8th grader!! Oh, and she is a teenager to boot!! Sad thing is that I dont feel much older than the kids that are seniors this year!! :(

Mikaela has had a productive school year so far. Her grades have been extremely good! Only took her until 8th grade to realize they ARE important!! :) Volleyball season was pretty good. The poor girl got sick on the first day of school, and missed it and the second day. I have a feeling that is the reason why she only made JV for volleyball. She is definately a Varsity player!! I cant remember what the final record was...but they went undefeated!! Basketball was a really great season for her!! They finished 11-2. Their first loss came in their second to last game against Chanute. Kinda sad to even count that game, since Chanute isnt even in their same league!! Their second loss came to Wellsville, at Wellsville! I can honestly say that I have never seen such a poorly officiated game in my life, as that game was!! Very blatant fouls, and no calls!! Mikaela is now getting ready to train for track now!!

Carter has been excelling in school too! His teacher is very impressed with him! His test scores for the beginning of the year were well above where he had to be! His teacher said she cant wait to show us the newest set of scores!! This year Carter played flag football instead of soccer! His team went undefeated, and won the championship game too!! I am so proud of him!! Basketball season has just started for him. They won their first game 26-6!! He had 2 points, at least 3 assists, and numerous rebounds!!

Keaton is my clown!! He seems to think that school is more for the social aspect, not the learning one. He is a very happy kid, but is struggling with his reading, which in turn makes him struggle with his writing. Which really surprises me, because he is such a creative little guy!! For Christmas, he got 3 zsu zsu pets!! And he named them all!! The black one is killer, the brown one is death, and the white one is jesus! =o) He played soccer this year. I really cant remember what his teams final record was, but he seemed to enjoy playing!! He seemed to like playing goalie the best!!

Mackenzie is as cute as ever!! I cant believe she is going to be 3 this year!! Got a funny to share! She informed us that for Christmas or her party...whichever....she wanted a ta-tod (ipod) and a phone!! When I told her that she wasnt going to get any of those, and what else would she like...she thought for a minute, went, "ummmmm.......headphones!" She cracks me up!!

I hate sad days!

2010-04-05T23:25:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here laying in my bed listening to Mikaela sniffle her tears. Today has not been a good day! I dont understand why things have to happen they way they do. One of Mikaela's classmates lost her life today. Madison and Deana were out riding on a four wheeler at Madison's house. I guess there was some unlevel ground, and the four wheeler flipped forward, landing on Madison, and flinging Deana off. I can only imagine that Madison's instinct was to keep hold of the handlebar. Deana broke a bone in her upper left arm, and chipped her shoulder.

Casey went to Royals game with a buddy that he rides to work with for opening day. They
were watching batting practice and Scott got a call that his wife had been in a car accident and that she died.

My heart hurts so bad today. More so today than other days. I think it is because I know the hurt that Madison's parents are feeling. And I think of Scott and his two young children. It is just hard to believe that in our small community that we have lost two young people...especially a child. It makes me really think. That so could have been Kaela. Or it could have been Casey. Casey and I have our differences, but I dont know what I would do if he was killed in a car accident.

2010-03-15T18:51:00.001-05:00

Oh yea! Forgot to mention!! My Jayhawks took the overall #1 seed in the NCAA tourney! Rock Chalk Jayhawk!! KU!! Love me some Jayhawk basketball!! =o)

Having fun!! Spring Break style!!

2010-03-15T18:48:00.001-05:00

We are having fun!! Minus the normal bickering and arguing we, being Casey and I do!! Left Friday morning and stayed in Des Moines overnite! Got up and headed to Bloomington Saturday morning!

We went to the Mall of America Saturday night! Wow is that puppy big! So big that we got turned around and had a hell of a time finding our way back to the entrance we came into for parking! But we made it back safe and sound to the hotel! We got back to the hotel, which has a kitchen in it, and made dinner!! We brought the George Foreman grill with us. Well, I went to make cheeseburgers on it. Guess what happened!! I set off the freaking smoke alarm in the room!! LOL. We had the lady at the front desk come tell us to open the windows, but not our room door!! How embarrassing!!

Yesterday was a good day to do Nickelodeon Universe! I think we all really enjoyed it!! I even got to ride some of the big girl rides with Mikaela and Sheigh!! Along with some of the little kid rides with Z and Keaton! I rode the pepsi orange streak with Carter and Keaton quite a few times too!! It was the perfect first time roller coaster for the boys! Not real big steeps drops or loop de loops!! Keaton thought I was "crazy" because I put him on the Splat-O-meter!! It takes you up in the air, then drops you REAL fast! Really gets your stomach!! Poor guy! But it was soooo funny!! I'm such a bad mommy!! LOL. I took him on the Jimmy Neutron ride, and it got his tummy too! He liked it at first, then hated it, then was back to liking it at the end! I think the big thing that helped was that I told him to breath! That seemed to help a lot! I loved the Air Bender! Wow! That one was cool!! I think I am starting to get old thou! We rode the Fairly Odd Parents ride, and spun a lot more than is normal at the end, or so Kaela or Sheigh told me! Then we went and rode the Spongebob ride, Bikini Rock Bottom! Good thing that was end of the day!! That ride did me in! I ended up with a migraine!! So bad that I could hardly choke down a piece of Cali chicken bacon ranch pizza from Dominos!! Such a bummer!! But I took some tylenol and some Fioricet and woke up at 9:30 this morning good as new!!

Probably one of the coolest parts of Nick Universe was Z meeting Dora!! It was so cute!! She was so excited!! She kept hugging and kissing Dora!! I will have to post pics later!! Then Z, Carter and Keaton got to meet Spongebob and Patrick!! The look on their faces was priceless!! We even got video of Kaela and Sheigh meeting them!! Patrick kept bopping Kaela's ponytail!! Loved it!!

Today we are doing Water park of America! Suppose to be the largest indoor water park! Coco Keys in Kansas City is probably pretty close!! But they don't have the body boarding thing!! That is super cool!! As a matter of fact, the reason I am blogging is from boredom!! Z needed a nap bad! So here I am with her napping on my chest and using my Blackberry to blog!!! I am loving the email feature!! Think I might wake Kenzi up so we can go get Mommy some more pop!!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device from U.S. Cellular

YEAH!

2010-03-06T10:18:00.003-06:00

Yeah!! I am so happy! I just got this set up to send texts or email to update my blog!! Woohoo! Now if I am out and about and want to update, or in the car being the passenger and I have a thought I want to blog I can!!

Gotta brag on the littlest one again! Z has been doing great with potty training! She has been using pullups and hasnt had hardly any accidents! Yesterday she wore one all day at the babysitter, as the day before! She only pottied in her pullup while we were on our way to the City! So, while at Wal*Mart, we changed her pullup. Made it home, and it was dry. Which is pretty cool considering she fell asleep on the way home! So we get home, and she said she didnt need to potty. She wore her pullup to bed and guess what!!!! It still had the butterflies on it!! The ones that let you know if they have pottied in them or not!! Way to go Z!!

We got a few snacks and such when we were in the city. I was really hoping to get me and Z a new swimsuit. I hate shopping for swimsuits for me! =0( I am ok for the most part with my body. I mean, I would love to have a little more in the chest area, and a touch flatter of a stomach! But for the most part my body is pretty good for having had 5 babies! I just have this one area on my hips I guess it is that drives me insane. Just need a cute suit that can hide that part! Most suits dont cover it! I am sure there is the perfect cute one out there, just need to keep looking! And when it comes to suits for Z, I am not one for getting the cartoon characters on the suits. I just dont think they look as cute. So I am on the look out for a cute pattern suit for her. Which Wal*Mart only had character ones! =0( Wish we didnt live an hour or so away from the City! Only made it to Sam's and Wal*Mart last nite!

Casey had Aladdin on his computer playing right now! I forgot how much I like that movie! The Genie just came out! *LOL* Amazing how easy the words to "Never had a friend like me" come screeching right back to you! I think I must have watched it alot when it first came out and I was babysitting!!

I really need to figure out how to update the place! Need a new background and such! I never really could change it without it being a royal pain in my ass! Maybe I will see what I can find!

Just feeling off

2010-03-04T23:50:00.002-06:00

Tonite I am feeling off. Dont know of anything really to set it off. Just while watching t.v. tonite I felt sad. Almost to the brink of tears really. Maybe it is the stress of wishing we could be a little more financially stable, maybe it is stress of feeling like I dont have control of everything, or maybe it is because it is March.

Ahhh March! A time of good things! Such as Kenzi's birthday and March Madness! And of one sad thing, Carli's Angel day. I dont think that my feeling down today has anything to do with Carli. I really dont. I am pumped about my Jayhawks beating K-State last nite! Wow! That was awesome! They have won the Big XII title for the past 6 years! This year we won it out right! No sharing with Texas, or that stinky KSU team!

My uncle made a comment on my aunt's facebook (not the one he is married to!) status about Rock Chalk Jayhawk. He said, and I quote "yea, but who's #1? Syracuse!!" I couldnt help but to reply, " yea! but who has had #1 for the majority of the season!" LOL I am a very proud Jayhawker! I cant wait for the NCAA tourney! I LOVE March Madness! Sadly, I think this year we may not have our annual March Madness brackets. All because we are going to go to Mall of America. I am kinda bummed about it to be honest! Not about the possiblity of winning overall, even thou that is great! But just because it makes watching the games SO much more fun! My boss doesnt think he can handle making sure all the brackets get put in on time. Which, I dont know if he would get them all in to be honest. I am usually all over doing it! Like I said, I LOVE doing it! I guess I could always still fill out a bracket just to make it fun for me! LOL Wonder what the hotel we are staying at would think if I had my boss fax me all the brackets! Better yet! I wonder what my husband would think! LOL

I seem to talk alot about sports. I have even had it pointed out to me on Facebook! Once I did one of those things that tells you what the most used words are in your status updates. I think my top word was games! Not kids, or one of the kids names! One of my dear friends laughed at me. She asked if I was really surprised that was one of the most used words. I guess not! I talk about Kaela and her sports, and Carter and Keaton and their sports!

Right now I am gonna talk about Z and how proud I am of her! We tried potty training a few months back. I still think she was ready for it...but daddy didnt. Well, her cousin Colby, who is 6 months older than her, is trying to potty train. So we are going with it again! I have talked to the babysitter about it. She is great about helping with it during the day. So much so that she even makes little awards for Z to let me know how well she does during the day! Tuesday she sent home a paper that said she went 3 times and tried several more times. That nite I had been home about 30 minutes when Casey had given me the note from the sitter. I then asked Z if she still had a pull up on. So we looked and she did. It was still dry! Casey had probably had her for about 2 hours at this point. She kept it dry until the middle of the nite sometime when she pottied during her sleep!! Then this morning I was talking to her about how yesterday went. She said that Kenzi kept her pull up dry all morning, used the potty quite often, and only pottied in her diaper that she put on after lunch for nap time. Today was an even better day!! Her little award said that she kept her pull up dry ALL day, even thru nap time!! I am so stoked!! We bought some cute little panties the other day! And her Grandma NiNi got her a little 3 pack of Dora panties! I am so happy and sad all at once! She isnt even 2 yet! What a big girl!!

Thinking of Carli

2010-03-02T21:05:00.003-06:00

"I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too! I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart!"

I saw this on one of my friends facebook page. How true this is! I can hardly believe that Carli would have been 3 here in a few weeks! And that Kenzi will be 2! Just seems like I was pregnant with each of them!

Wish I could just win the lottery!

2010-02-28T14:15:00.002-06:00

I hate not having enough money. I know, welcome to the life of most people huh?

There is nothing that I would love more than to have everything caught up! I just seem to need a little more money!!

Ok, venting done!

It is Sunday again already! I always seem to not like Sundays, since I know I have to work again tomorrow. This weekend was not good for my KU Jayhawks!! =0( We have been ranked #1 for a while now. Going into our last 3 games, I knew it was gonna be rough. We played at OSU yesterday. And we lost! Actually, of our last 3 games, I guess if we had to lose to someone, I would want it to be them. Our last 2 games are K-State at home, then at Mizzou. And I really hate losing to either one of them!! LOL

I know, my mind seems to just run from thought to thought. And I'm sorry. Just really wanting to get back into the swing of blogging. I know I have said that quite a few times. But I really do mean it. Seems like I dont have time, or energy sometimes. Or not having a laptop makes a huge difference too. I thought my charging port was messed up on my Gateway....so I hadnt used it. Turns out the charger I was using was messed up! So after Christmas I got a Acer net book. It is nice to have, but I miss the fuller size keyboard of my laptop.

I want to get more pics on here, but during the winter, I just really dont get many good pics taken. I am so glad spring should be on its way! And I'm sure I will get some pics when we go on Spring Break! Woohoo!!

Is it Spring yet??

2010-02-27T10:49:00.003-06:00

I am so over winter! I dont think I can take any more snow or cold!

Ok, so now that I have that out of my system....lol! I am looking forward to Spring Break! Three years ago on Spring Break, we had Carli. Two years ago on Spring Break we had Kenzi. Last year I took the week off and stayed with the kids. This year we are making it count! We are going to go to Mall of America in Minnesota! The kids are so excited, as are Casey and I. We are going to be taking one of Kaela's friends, Sheigh, too.

We are planning on going to the Nickelodeon theme park, the aquarium, mirror maze, the water park of america, and mini golf. Think there is some other stuff too, just cant remember it all.

The kids are doing great! Mikaela has had a good year at school with sports and such. She was on the 7th grade Varsity Volleyball team. She rocked it as usual. Then for basketball, she was a bubble player. So she played for both the JV and Varsity teams!! Right now she is doing cheerleading for the boys basketball....next up is track! And of course before long there will be summer softball! Which we love!!

Never enough time!

2009-08-14T11:12:00.004-05:00

Seems like I never have enough time for anything!! I have thought about blogging, but since a certain someone messed up my laptop, I havent had much of a chance to get on!

Things are going ok! Seems along with not having enough time, I also dont have enough money! But I know I am not the only one! The kids start back to school on the 20th! Kaela isnt too excited about school, but she gets to play volleyball this year! She starts practice the 17th! I am really excited about that for her too! She is an awesome volleyball player!

Carter is really looking forward to school this year! He is going into the 2nd grade! He is the one when you ask if he is ready, he is excited about it!! Keaton is pretty excited too! He will be going into the big Kindergarten!! This will be interesting for him! K here is an all day affair!

Z is getting bigger and bigger by the day!! I cant believe how big she is getting!! She is 17 months already!! Where has the time gone? Our morning routine will be a bit different this year! I will only have her to take to the sitters.

Well, I need to go clean some more! I came to put a sheet on the bed and decided to blog real quick! I want to get on here more! Whether that happens or not we shall see!

I am back again.

2009-02-05T21:06:00.002-06:00

Quite a bit of time has passed. Not that I havent wanted to get on here and blog. But sometimes I find myself worrying about what to put on here. Dont get me wrong, I have a ton to talk about, just not always what everyone else might find interesting.

I have been really emotional here lately! If I didnt know better I would think I was pregnant! But that is definately NOT the case. I just wish I could figure it out. Of course, I'm sure the fact that I have sucked at taking my generic paxil has nothing to do with it!

It has been crazy busy at our house! Between basketball practices and games going on between Carter and Kaela, it isnt surprising. Carter has gotten to work with the high school boys team, and has done so good. They had quite a few practices, and then two weeks ago they had there games. So cute watching all those little 1st graders running around and shooting hoops! Kaela is playing Rec basketball! And I have to admit, I am VERY proud of her basketball skills!! She seems to be a natural when it comes to basketball, volleyball, and softball! I hope she continues to excell and have fun in all 3 of these sports! Her basketball team has only lost 1 game, and won 5 of them! She has scored in all the games so far. The one game I didnt get to watch, she scored 10 pts!!!

Keaton is still my little Keaton! Always cracking us up! I of course cant think of any of the funny things he has done now that I am actually on here!

Kenzi is my little angel still! Even thou there are times I go crazy!! I cant believe she is growing up so fast! She is 10 months. Kaela thinks its funny to say "Hey mom, kenzi is almost a year old!" I keep telling her to shut up and quit reminding me!! *LOL*

Oh my gosh!

2008-11-30T12:03:00.004-06:00

Well, I have wanted to get on and blog, but my wireless internet crapped out on my laptop. And to be honest, I really am not too fond of using Casey or Mikaela's laptop to do it.

So, here I am! So much has happened since I last posted in August. Mackenzie is now 8 months old!! I can hardly believe how fast it is going. She has mastered crawling and is pulling up on stuff and cruizing. She has 2 teeth and a great personality. She loves the camera, which is a very good thing considering how many pics I take of the child!!

Mikaela is doing great. 6th grade is going pretty good for her, for the most part. She did awesome in rec volleyball, and has been on a traveling volleyball team. That is a privilege. You have to be asked to be on one of those. My pharmacy sponsered the team. We travel about an hour and a half for Kaela to play. I have to tell you that she is a great volleyball player. Rec basketball is coming up quickly. Which reminds me I need to get Kaela and Carter signed up.

Carter is in 1st grade and rocking it. I am kinda sad for him. One of his close friends, Pete, just moved this past week to Colorado. Carter and Keaton both went over and played quite often at his house.

Keaton, now Keaton is my crack up!! I have to get ready to go take a shower so Casey will quit hollering at me. But I have to tell you some cute stories about him!! Some of the things he says cracks me up. I am going to get some pics uploaded too!!

I have missed coming on here. Now that my internet is working again on my laptop, and Kenzi is a bit older, I am hoping to be posting more often.

So...

2008-08-28T19:28:00.004-05:00

there is so much to talk about. Guess I am just gonna kinda mumble while I can. I have constantly wanted to get on here and update, but it always seems like there is one thing or another happening to make it impossible. Like right now, as I log on to do this, Ms. Kenzi decides to start fussing!!

Guess I will attempt again in a bit if possible!! I still owe pictures too!!!

Well, that was what I last attempted! *LOL*

All is well here in our house. It is a bit busy right now for me. Casey is gone to New York City this week. He left on Sunday, and wont be back until next Sunday/Monday.

We have had alot going on. Mackenzie turned 6 months old yesterday. I still cant believe my last baby is that old already!! She is so smart! She has been rolling over for like the last 2 months, and is almost sitting up by herself. And she can get to where ever she needs to. She is almost crawling!! I took a picture of her up on all fours this morning! I told Casey that she was going to crawl while he is gone!!

Keaton started pre-school this year. There first day was on the 18th of August. He is going for help with his speech. Nothing major, just some little sounds that need some attention.

Carter started 1st grade and is doing really well!! We have spelling words and books to read all the time!!

Kaeli started the 6th grade, which is middle school here!! got a good pic of how far she would let us go on the first day!! She has decided that she wants to play the clarinet. She is pretty good at it, and Kenzi loves it when she practices!!

Oh yeah, we also got a new camera!! A Canon Rebel!! And I love it!!

I am such a slacker!!

2008-07-13T12:44:00.002-05:00

Wow!! Time really flies doesnt it?? I sat down to try to update on July 4th and then got called away!! Alot has gone on!! Let's see!! Mackenzie will be 4 months old next week!! I cant believe how quickly that has gone!! She is doing great!! Cooing and smiling all the time! Last nite she rolled over from her back to her tummy on the couch. I put her on the floor, but it hasnt been repeated yet!! I am gonna see if I can get it on film!

This might be a crazy update, since there is so much flying thru my head! Rec ball season is officially over!! Carter, as usual, had a blast playing ball!! He is so good at it!! His coach called him his "little all-star". Talk about making mommy beam!! And Mikaela rocked it!!! Her team took championship!!! They had two losses, Madison and Yates Center. Well, their 2nd game in the tourney was to play against Madison, who we found out was undefeated!! Mikaela was a little nervous. I told her not to be, that they could beat those girls just as easy as they beat them! Let's just say the girls had no fear against their pitcher this game!! The bats were swinging!! The girls won that game 8-5!! So they headed on to the championship game! The would play either another team from our town, or Yates Center. Yates Center lost, they played against Madison for 3rd place!! Which Yates Center took, leaving Madison with 4th!! *LOL* So they went from being undefeated and cocky to 2 losses in one day and 4th place!! Mikaela's teamd did great!! Ended up winning the championship game 10-5!!

I got a new cell phone!! I really like it! It is the LG Glimmer! Pretty nice with a touch screen and all!!

Well, sorry this update was short, I guess I need to go clean some!! I promise to come back and post some summer pics and others!! (Hope there is still someone reading this!! ;)

More pictures!!

2008-06-08T14:38:00.003-05:00

Me, before getting sick! I cant remember if Carter or Keaton took this picture!!

My sister in law, Chelsea, and my nephew Colby at the baby show!

I thought this was a cute pic of Kenzi in her tub!!

Now for some picture overload!!

2008-06-08T14:24:00.005-05:00

The girls: Mikaela, Cerallin & Kenzi

Smiley Kenzi

Kenzi and Carter

Another Smiley Mackenzie

Can you tell I love having the smiles?

This was the first real smile caught on camera!

Mikaela, Carter, and Keaton looking at Kenzi

Sleeping Mackenzie

All the kiddos! Starting from the left upper:

Carter, Colby, Mikaela, Mackenzie, Keaton, and Cerallin

The babies! Colby, Kenzi & Cerallin

Mikaela & Mackenzie

Been a wild ride!! And not really all that great either!!

2008-05-31T21:55:00.004-05:00

There is so much to update about!! Yikes!!

Well, let me first start off by saying that I am really sorry that I havent been on here updating. At first it was just still trying to get used to life with a new baby again, which I am back to doing again!!

The month of May really escaped me!! I hadnt been feeling well, so on the 5th I went to the dr. He told me that I had a pretty bad infection, and to go home and rest and take some antibiotics. Fine and dandy! Tuesday I woke up and felt horrible...well I guess I hadnt really slept a whole lot since I had been up throwing up the night before. That and I have been having really horrible night sweats!! I mean so bad that I have to change my clothes one to two times a night!! I had that a few weeks after Kenzi was born, but thought it was my hormones going back to normal, which looking back now, I dont think that was it at all!! I think this infection has been brewing for a while!!

I ended up calling my dr and telling him how crappy I felt...he told me to go check in thru the ER and we would admit me to the hospital to see about getting some IV fluids going since I knew I was dehydrated. Poor Kenzi wasnt getting much at all at this point when I fed her!! I went and got one of the bottles of formula that we came home with, and the poor girl gulped down 3 oz in no time flat, from me even!!

I ended up in the hospital for a total of 13 days! 2 of them here in my home town, and then 11 at the hospital where I delivered Carli last year. I was transported up there by ambulance!! I am sure the bank account will love that!!

Turns out that I had a REALLY bad kidney infection along with about 6 kidney stones!! I thought I was gonna get to go home that Saturday, but somewhere along the way things took a turn for the worse. They didnt know if I was septic (which I just recently found out that that means the infection is in your blood! Yikes!!) My blood pressure was slowly rising and at one point my heart rate got up to 150 beats per minute! They ended up moving me to the telemetry ward, (big fancy word for the place where they monitor your heart all the time, with a very fashionable blue little purse to hold your little monitor in!! OOOHHH!! Stylish!) Let me just state that I was by far the youngest person on that floor!! Average age for that floor is 70!! The nurses were all great with the exception of one that wouldnt give me my generic fioricet for my migraine! She kept giving me all my other pain meds, but NONE of those work for my migraines!! I think now I know it was because I could actually take care of myself compared to most of the people on that floor. The guy across the hall from me was crazy!! At one point, they had 3 nurses laying on him to keep him from getting up out of bed!! *LOL*

I was on so many different antibiotics that I ended up with the WORST case of thrush ever! Well, at least to me it was the worst case ever!! *LOL* But I think even that shocked the nurses! It really made it hard to eat anything. Now I know why babies are so unhappy when they have it!! The food there wasnt bad, but I really didnt end up eating too much because of the thrush. But one night I was really hungry and asked if I could have a turkey and cheese sandwich on white bread with lettuce and tomato with some miracle whip and mustard. Oh my gosh!! That was like the best sandwich ever!! *LOL*

I know at one point with all the fluid they were pumping into me, I was up in weight to 165lbs!!! That is more than I weighed when I was going into my c-section!!! I have since lost about 40lbs or so of that!! The kidney dr wants me to make sure to maintain my weight between 120 and 130. I laughed and told her once I get my appetite back, I am sure the 120 that she doesnt want me below, will be no problem! Either way I have to weigh myself each morning and make sure it is in the proper range. So far, no problem!!

I went in the hospital on the 6th of May and got to finally come home on the 19th. The only way I could come home was if I agreed to come home with a PICC line that they can keep giving me IV antibiotics thru at the hospital here in my home town. I was all for it!! I will have to take a picture of it and show you all it!! I will continue to get IV antibiotics thru tomorrow (06/04) and the infectious disease dr called in an order for 10 days of Levaquin yet!! Damn antibiotics!!

While I was up at the other hospital, I had two procedures done to put stints in to help my kidneys drain the infection. The first one I was so out of it from all the pain meds, that I dont remember any of it. The second time, I came out of recovery crying and panicky. I wanted Casey!! The first time they put a stint in on both the right and left side. But for some reason the infection wasnt draining at all, so they went to put a larger stint in on the left side. The right one they took out (seems it had shifted some) and when they did, a kidney stone came with it!! I think when they were putting in the left one the first time, a stone came out then too. 2 down 4 to go! They strained all my urine, but I dont think that they found any stones. I did however pass one the day after I came home!! 3 down!

What is crazy is that I had 4 different drs while I was up there! One dr oversaw all my care. One dr was an infectious disease dr, (no personality!!), the urologist who sent me up that way, and a kidney specialist, who is really nice!! I go back to see the infectious disease dr and the kidney dr on Friday. I dont go back to see the urologist until the 12th. Which feels like forever away since I feel like the left stint might have shifted. Makes it a bit uncomfortable! I am still having to take pain meds and some generic zofran for my nauseousness. I am doing better thou! I do still tire out really, really easy! I started going back to work part time, 9-2. I dont wanna go, but the bank account really needs fuel! I dont have any sick or vacation time coming to me until September, so whatever I work is what I am getting paid for! I used all my time up when I had Mackenzie! It is crazy how tired I can get so easily. I come home from work and I am so ready for a nap!!

I need to give Casey alot of credit here! He went from me pretty much taking care of all of Mackenzie's needs, to him having to do it overnite!! He really has done a great job!! He just happened to be on a scheduled layoff from work. He gets paid about 80% of his normal pay, which as you know, every little bit that isnt there, hurts! He did a great job thou! He had to get up with the kids each morning and get Mikaela and Carter ready for school, and get Keaton to the sitter, (since we have to pay whether he is there or not!!) and get Kenzi ready to come up to see me in the hospital which is an hour away! I know, we momma's do it all the time, but when it is something you dont do, it is nice to have a pat on the back that you did a good job!!

Lets see, other news. Mackenzie and I missed our 2 month check up since I was in the hospital. But we went and got her first set of shots yesterday. I so hate doing it! I know it is for her own good (I know this could be debatable, but we believe in them! ;) I just hate hearing the pain cry and knowing there is nothing I can do about it!!! Overall, she is doing great with it thou!! We weighed her yesterday. She is at 11.6lbs! Woo hoo!!

Carter hasnt got to have a game yet, we are hoping the first one will be tonite!! He is super excited and overly ready!! Mikaela has had 3 games, with one getting rained out. So far they are 2-1!! Rocked the first game, lost the 2nd one. The 2nd and 3rd were a double header. The 3rd game they rocked Madison!! 15-6!! It was like a completely different team went on the field the 2nd game. Mikaela did great! I cant remember how many hits she had. I know she did strike out once! Her coach asked her if she has ever played catcher before, which she told him she had. She has some, but NOT at this level!! She is in FAST pitch this year. I was really nervous, but she was awesome!!! I told her, you need to be able to get up and get any balls that fly past and you will need to throw down a runner trying to steal. She did great! She has been the only girl that will flip that mask off to find the ball if she cant see it! She had some really good throws to 2nd and 3rd, if the girls would have been ready for the throw, I think the runner would have been out! Mikaela has another double header tonite. It is against one of the better teams in the rec league, and I got after her since she has this thought that they are gonna suck! I told her to get that out of her head!! I know for sure they stack their teams down there!! That is what happened last year in the tournament. They played the same team that they are tonite, and ALL the girls from our team went into it knowing they were just gonna get hammered!! I was so upset!! Because they can beat this team!!

Well, I am sure there is stuff I am missing, but Mackenzie has been more than wonderful on letting me get all of this out, so I guess I should tend to her needs!! I will come and put some pics on hopefully tonite, or later today. If not, forgive me! I WILL get them up!!

Much love to you all and hope all is going great for you!!!

Here is an update!

2008-05-04T11:29:00.002-05:00

*This was the update I tried getting done before I ended up in the hospital!! I just want to let you know that I do read your comments and didnt want you to think I forgot!!!*

You know, it is funny! I was thinking last nite how I need to get on here and update! And I go check my email, and there is a friendly reminder to come update!! *wink*

All is going pretty well! We have been busy! I started back full time to work on Wednesday. Mackenzie has been going with me. I am really hoping that she will get to go with me thru this next week.

Mackenzie is doing really well! My mom had a dr appt, so she decided to take Kenzi with her. She is up to 10 lbs 7 oz. We had a pediatric cardiologist appt on April 23rd. Her regular dr heard a murmur that he wanted checked out. Turns out that she does have two small openings in her lower chamber. But the good news is they are super small, and should close up on their own by the time she is 4-6 years old. The cardiologist couldnt hear the murmur that day thou, so here is to hoping that it has already closed! At that appt she was weighing in at 9lbs 9oz. So, as you can tell, she is gaining away! She is still in the newborn diapers at almost 7 weeks!!

I cant believe it has been 7 weeks already!! Where is the time going?? I am getting excited thou, cuz softball/t-ball season is getting going. Mikaela has already had a few practices, but Carter hasnt just yet. We thought Keaton was gonna get to play, but he is still too young!! Such a bummer!!

We had professional pics done of my kids and my neice and nephew! They turned out wonderful!!

Here are more pics!!!

2008-04-03T09:44:00.002-05:00

Going home!!!

Kenzie saying "Oh no!! The papparazi!!"

Another cute one from our going home shoot!

Mackenzie winking at us!!

Sorry!

2008-04-03T08:44:00.002-05:00

Carter seeing his baby sister for the first time!Casey with Mackenzie right after she was born!

Mackenzie fresh out!!

One of the pics Casey took!

One of my favorite pictures!! This was our photo shoot with her going home outfit on! (this is the outfit that was to be Carli's coming home outfit!!)

I really havent meant to leave you all hanging so long!! Mackenzie and I are doing great!! She turned 2 weeks old on Monday!! Time is going really quick!! Real quick here are the stats!! Mackenzie Grace was born at 12:51 pm on Monday March 17, 2008. She weighed 7lbs 5 3/4 oz and was 19 inches long!! I will try to post about my c-section when I have more time, but it was a little rougher than my other ones!! But here are a bunch of pics for you!!!

Tomorrow is the day!!!

2008-03-16T08:51:00.002-05:00

I am excited and nervous all at the same time!! I just woke up for the day and had about 3 major thoughts in 30 seconds!! First one was that this will be my last day being pregnant ever!! Next one was the we will be meeting Mackenzie tomorrow!! And the last thought was, there is only 4 days until Carli's angel day!! Talk about a wide range of emotions there!!

I still have some more cleaning that could be done, but I am not pushing myself too much. I was having some contractions yesterday that were getting a little irritating. But, with the issues with the blood, my dr really wants me to hold off until tomorrow if possible. Nesting never has set in like it wish it would have!!

I have all my chargers and what not together, and getting stuff charged. I cannot for the life of me find my stupid Ipod, but I do have the Zune I can take, but the Ipod has a bunch of good songs on it! At first i couldnt find the charger, now i cant find the ipod!! i had lost the charger for my olympus camera, so friday when we went out of town, i bought a travel charger to have...guess what! i found the original charger!!!! i have my bag for the most part packed. just some last minute things that i will throw in tomorrow before we leave. i have to be at the hospital at 10:30am and surgery is scheduled for noon!!

i have had Mackenzie's bag packed for forever!! i am just worried that Casey is gonna think i am taking too much!! i have my bag, mackenzie's bag, then i want to have the laptop and camcorder bag. i also want to take my body pillow and one of the boppy pillows for when Carter and Keaton hold her, Mikaela can use it too, but I have a feeling she wont need it!! I just cant believe we are at this point~!! I have so many emotions running thru my head!!!

Wow! Where did that come from?

2008-03-12T22:26:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning from a horrible nightmare! I know I have been a little sad here lately, not that anyone knows that thou. I have seemed nothing but excited. So, I guess it had to come out thru my sleep huh?

All I really know is how bad I felt after this dream, or nightmare. Basically, my baby didnt live. I dont know exactly why, but I know she didnt make it. I know in this nightmare that I just kept crying. With all the issues that I am having with having 2 different antibodies in my blood, I have been informed that it wouldnt be in my best interest to have any more babies. Which just really affected me all the more.

I know this is nothing more than my mind letting this stress free. I really havent had any negative feelings about what might happen with Mackenzie, and I really dont think that this has anything to do with my delivery. I think just that we are so close to having Kenzi and being so close to Carli's birthday is getting to me more than I am admitting.

I am trying to think of all the positive things. I really think I will miss being pregnant. But at the same time, I am ready to meet Mackenzie!!!

Sorry for such a downer post, but I just felt that I needed to get it out.

37w1d appt

2008-03-10T21:56:00.002-05:00

It ended up being a pretty good one. I have gained a total of 15 lbs this pregnancy...I think I lost a pound from last week. I told my dr about the really bad back and tummy pain I was having this morning. I told him I didnt really know if it was contractions, or if I am attempting to pass another kidney stone. He said there was a trace of blood in my urine, so it could be a stone.
My blood pressure looked good, and Mackenzie is still measuring right where she should be. He asked me again if I was ok with delivering on March 17th, which I of course said yes!! Game plan at this point is to go in Friday at lunch time to get my blood drawn...and then I have to show up at 10:30 a.m. Monday morning to check in for my c-section. We will plan on being in surgery at noon.

I asked the dr today, if it would be possible for him to check me before we go into surgery. I told him I know it seems silly...but I just wanted to know if what I have been feeling have been contractions, or what. He said yeah, that wouldnt be a problem to check me today. I told him we didnt have to do it today, we could just wait until Monday. He said that actually he was gonna ask me about checking me after hearing about the pain i was having this morning. So, he did, and I am at 1 cm dialated but my cervix is posterior. :shock: He told me not to hesitate if I thought I was having any more contractions to come and get checked out. He said with the blood issues, he wants to know as soon as possible!! He told me he wants to try to take it as easy as possible this week. That means not hesitating to sit down at work and to make sure to not over do it at home, he really doesnt want me going into labor this week...plus he has tickets to the Big 12 tourney!! :LOL:

I still cant believe that we will be having a baby in a week!! Oh, and just because, I wanted to share a pic of the super cute little shoes that I got for Kenzi to wear...the white ones will match her Easter dress perfectly, and the little brown ones will match most anything!!

I am thinking that....

2008-03-09T11:18:00.003-05:00

Casey is really starting to get excited about Mackenzie coming...even though he hasnt really admitted it!! As you all know, he bought the Rain Forest Jumperoo...and then yesterday he went up to Kansas City with his sister and he called me and asked me what size outfit he should get for Mackenzie if he were to buy one for summer.

He came home with two different things...one was a really cute Tommy Girl shirt, and the other was a Tommy polo style dress!! It just makes my heart melt!!!

Oh yeah, Brenda, is there any way I could have the password for your blog...if you feel so comfortable, my email that you can send it to is: redfoxymomma@Hotmail.com Thanks chica!!

Well, we have a slight change of plans!!!

2008-03-06T21:29:00.002-06:00

My dr called me today and told me that he was gonna mess everything up!! I was like...OMG, what now??? He said, no it wasnt anything bad!! Thank goodness!! He said that he has been informed that we need 3 days leeway for the blood now, and that I can either have Mackenzie at noon on the 13th, or noon on the 17th! Note: no noon on the 14th!!! Little stinker...i know it has to do with the big 12 tourney!! he was all for the 14th with a 7:30 a.m. c-section, but a noon one would interfere with his going to the games in KC!! he hasnt actually told me this, but i KNOW that is why!!

i asked him if i could get back to him about it, so i could ask casey what day he wanted...he said sure, just that he wanted me to try to get back with him today if possible so they could pencil in my surgery.

so i sent casey a text asking him what he thought. the 14th was actually the perfect day..that way i could be in the hospital over the weekend, then be home with my kids the next week with spring break! i went back and forth all day long waiting for casey's decision!! i told my mom over lunch that i would go with whatever casey thought and if he told me he didnt care, that i would probably choose the 17th (which is what she wanted me to choose anyhow!!) i had to call my reg. pharmacist for a work question, and told him what the dr had said. he told me he was glad that i had to make the decision and not him...so i asked him what he meant! he said well, he is superstitious...so to him the 17th was the only choice. you go from the 13th where she could have a bday that falls on friday the 13th to the 17th with luck of the irish!! :LOL: i told him good point!!

casey finally called me and i asked him what he thought...he said he didnt care, but that he had just turned in the paper this morning saying that he was taking the 14th off...so he said, why dont we do the 17th..he said he would just take the 14th off anyhow. so it has been decided that it was MEANT TO BE that Mackenzie is born on St. Patricks day like i originally wanted!! so now instead of 8 days to go, it has been bumped back up to 11!!!! :LOL:

either way i am super excited..as always huh??

on a side note, casey called me and told me that he bought me a surprise today...i couldnt wait to get home to see it after that!! he had asked me if i needed anything from walmart...i said not that i could think of....he said no rain forest bouncer or swing?? i told him, well we had the pink bouncer that we bought when we were expecting Carli, and I had a swing over in my grandma's garage that i bought from the consignment store when we were expecting Carli too! (which i will have to tell you about in a minute!!!) i told him i just couldnt justify getting either one when i had those... :( even though i would love to have the entire rain forest collection if i could!!
so anyway...i get home and mikaela told me to go look in the baby's room for my surprise! i was so happy, cuz it proved that he does listen to what i say i would like to get!!! he got me the rain forest jumperoo that i have said that i wanted since i saw it when i was pregnant with Carli!! Here is what it looks like:

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=5420743

I of course got it all put together and ready to go!!! so this got me inspired to go get the swing from my grandma's garage. I went and got it out only to find out that there must have been mice in there!!! i took the seat padding off and washed it, but i just dont think it is good enough. i told casey that i can get all the replacement parts that i would want for it for about $53 with shipping. it retailed for $140...so i dont think it is a bad idea to get the replacement parts and use it..it would basically be like a brand new swing. i would get the motor with the animals on it new, and the cover and straps, and the tray. here is the swing that i have....

http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=2002&e=product&pid=30548

plus the shipping time frame is 7 to 10 days....:LOL: i have that much time!!
well, anyway...that makes for my fun and interesting Thursday!! I think this should hopefully be the last time that her date will change!!!

36w1d appt

2008-03-04T07:51:00.002-06:00

went pretty good i thought!! he asked how i was doing...i told him that I AM DONE!! I told him about the waking up in a rush to the bathroom to throw up because of the horrid reflux....told him if it wasnt that, it was that I couldnt get comfy!! I have gained a total of 16 lbs this pregnancy. Blood pressure was good. told him about my pitting edema, he wasnt worried since my bp has been good. just told me to try to kick back and relax if possible.

as for the wonder blood issues, he said that i have developed ANOTHER antibody. so now i have a duffy antibody, and a CW antibody. makes for some interesting fun with me!! my regular dr said that he has talked to my maternal-fetal dr, along with 3 or 4 other maternal-fetal drs. they all believe that i should have no problems with delivering here at our small hospital. he said that we will draw blood, then have it sent to the bigger hospital to have it typed and crossed and ready to go for my c-section. he said that the antibody titre showed both antibodies at 2, which is good news. neither is too high!! that is great!! he said they will more than likely just go ahead and give me the blood after my c-section, just in case, so that I dont have to worry about developing another antibody. the only main concern could be that with mackenzie, she could have some issues with jaundice, but that they will be checking her bilirubin more than most babies, and they will do some other blood test on her too. dr said that if there shows any signs of ANY problems with either Mackenzie or I, he will not hesitate to ship us out to one of the bigger hospitals...which i think shows that he is a good dr!!

so, as of now, we will be delivering more than likely EARLY morning March 14th!! He does after all have to make it to the Big 12 tourney in KC...or so he says!!! I have another appt next monday, then i will have to go have blood drawn thursday...then we will be having Mackenzie friday!! oh, and he had some more blood drawn today to check on my hemoglobin. the nurse called me this afternoon, said the good news was that my iron levels didnt drop, but that they didnt rise much either...so now i am having to take my iron TWICE daily!! i told her i was doing good to make sure to take it the one time...she just said take it morning and evening. so i will take it at work, and i think i will put my bottle that i have at home down by my heartburn meds...to remind me!!!

34w1d appt

2008-02-18T21:46:00.002-06:00

Had my appt today. All went pretty good. It was suppose to be at 9:15 am. I got there about 9:10...checked in...waited...and waited...went to the front desk, asked if Dr. S was behind already (cuz there werent many people in the waiting room!). They had forgot to put my chart up to let the nurse know i was there!!! So, I was 20 minutes late getting in to see him. He asked me how the iron was going. I told him that truthfully, I had only been taking it about 3 days!! He called and told me to start taking it last Monday!! I know, I know...not a good thing, but it was true. He measured the belly, all seems good there. Kenzi's heartrate was between 140 and 150....great there. I did have some protein spilling over in my urine, but I guess not enough that he was worried. My iron level did come back lower thou, so Dr. S had his nurse call me and tell me to MAKE SURE I take my iron supplements..which i havent been doing too well with. I threw out the mention of having my c-section on the 14th instead of the 17th. He said, well, assuming it was all good with Dr. E, he didnt have a problem with that. He asked me if it was good for me. I told him that I have been thinking about it. There are alot of issues with making sure that I have the blood ready for me just in case we need it. I am fine with that. Friday makes more sense in that case. I still would love to have a St. Patty's day baby thou. But then I got to thinking about it. Friday would be a good day too!! For the following reasons:

blood would be ready for friday, not extra costs involved
i would have the weekend to be in the hospital, we would have extra help for the older kids
i could spend spring break with my kids instead of spending it in the hospital
i would more than likely be out of the hospital for Carli's first birthday

I could probably go on and on. But those are the main things. I will of course have to figure out exactly how we would handle the older kids that day thou. Mikaela and Carter can go on to school for the day, and Keaton could go to the sitter. Maybe I could talk my mom into coming over and waiting with Mikaela and Carter until the bus comes, and then have her take Keaton to the sitter. That way Casey and I could have some time with Mackenzie by ourselves. I am sure I will be a blubbering mess thou.

Casey is still wanting to have people hold off on coming up to see us. I still dont want to do that. I personally love having everyone around. Plus, its not like i have to keep them entertained. They wont be there to see me in all my lovely after delivery glory. They will just want to see Mackenzie. I can doze off all I want!! I think I will talk to Casey about this again. Maybe after Mackenzie comes he can go pick Keaton up at the sitter, and then Mikaela and Carter can get out of school early to come up.

Arghhh!! There is so much to try to figure out!! Maybe attempting to get some sleep will help me think it thru. Not that I am getting much sleep these nites!!

Somewhat of an update!!

2008-02-17T22:10:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I dont know if it is a countdown or count up...

I was thinking about this on the way home tonite from seeing my brother and niece. Here I am ready for March 17th to get here.....but then a whole new life begins in a way. I know you are probably saying...DUH!!

It seems like I am just getting thru life by making it to certain dates. I feel like I am wishing my life away sometimes. I really am trying to enjoy these last few weeks that I have of being pregnant since they will be my last ones...but I am finding it hard to enjoy. I want the final product NOW!! Okay, re-reading that sounds bad....Mackenzie should not be considered a final product, but you know what I mean!!

I guess I am just having a hard time right now. I am so ready for Mackenzie to come, and yet in a way, I'm not ready! How much more wishy washy could I be?? Well, I guess we will leave it at that for now!!

I have my 34w1d appt tomorrow morning with Dr. S. A few things have come up since I last posted. The blood results have come back, yes, my iron is on the low side...no big deal, just need to remember to take those darn iron pills (yuck!!) We are also still trying to figure out what we are going to do with the blood situation. Since I have the Duffy anti-body, Dr. S wants to have the blood typed and crossed and HERE before I have the c-section. Fine and dandy, but I guess you can develop an anti-body within 48 hrs while pregnant. So......the lab tech told me that Tuesday or Wednesday would really be better. But for me that is TOO close to Carli's birthday. Plus I was really hoping to not be in the hospital on March 20th!! Last week when I talked to Dr. S he informed me that man am I trouble!! *LOL* He said they might just have to move the c-section time to noon on the 17th, which i was fine with. Until my mom mentioned that I wouldnt be able to eat for a while. Damn!! Good point!! I am going to mention at my appt tomorrow the possibility of maybe, possibly doing the c-section on March 14th. Going by last period, I would still fall within the 2 week mark. LP due date is March 27th - 14 days= March 13th. But going by my first u/s date, he has my due date as March 30th. That would put me at 37w5d~! I just dont know if he will do it or not!! I got to thinking about it...it would be nice! Having her on the 14th would make it so I could be home with the kids on Spring Break.....I would more than likely be out of the hospital by the 17th, if not on that day! Kenzi can still wear the super cute St. Patrick's day outfits I have bought for her. Sounds better and better to me the more I think about it. Send some good vibes that Dr. S thinks it is ok too!!

I mentioned earlier that we went and saw my brother, Darin today. His birthday is tomorrow!! Happy 28th bday!! He is daddy to my first neice Cerallin. She is the one that was born 6 weeks after Carli. Cerallin's coming home outfit was the same dress that we chose to have Carli buried in. We didnt know that at the time that we chose it. Funny thing here...I was telling them that I bought Mackenzie's Easter dress...guess what....Cerallin has the same one!! Guess this makes it easier for when they hand down clothes to Kenzi!! Which I have gotten quite a bit of!! They gave me some White Cloud diapers tonite in size 1-2!! I am pretty excited about that!! I havent bought any diapers yet. Unless you count the newborn diapers I bought when I was expecting Carli!! We have quite a few...even though I know they wont last long!! Here is a pic of the Easter dress!!!

I bought a couple of Hanes night shirts to wear at the hospital. I have decided that this time I want to look decent...I also bought a nice Hanes shirt and jammies bottoms. That organically grown cotton. Seems really soft...just hope I can bring myself to wear them! While I am at it, here is a cute creeper that I saw also when I bought Mackenzie's easter dress....this is just really springy!!

Well, I guess I will try to update with what I find out from Dr. S tomorrow!!!

thought I would take a few minutes

2008-02-06T07:42:00.000-06:00

and do a quick update!! i went to the dr last friday....Kenzi is measuring spot on, as usual. i had some blood drawn to see if i am low on iron...Dr. S talked to Dr. E who said that I can go to the hospital here to have my blood crossed and typed...yeah for that!! that way I dont have to drive an hour to the other hospital for that!! he said i just need to do it sometime the week before the section! which is now OFFICIALLY set!! Mackenzie Grace will be making her grand apperance on March 17th, just like i had hoped for!! i am so excited about that!! now we can make definite plans. that is the week the kids will be on spring break here. i think casey's mom will take that day off to be with the kids while casey goes to the hospital with me at the butt crack of dawn! then she can bring them up after i have Kenzi! i can hardly wait! we have the room painted, the border up, the crib is up. i think maybe next weekend we might go see if we can find a dresser to match her crib. i really am wanting to put some of the baby stuff away. but all i have right now is her closet and a purple tote that we had bought to put baby stuff in at first.

i had casey get down the car seat, so that is out as you can see in the last post. i find i like going into what is gonna be kenzi's room and sometimes just sit in there, and look at all the sweet baby stuff. the kids will go in and do it with me too. i am sure casey thinks i am whacko or something, but it does bring a small sense of security i guess it is!

in 5 1/2 weeks we will be having Kenzi. seems like so long, yet so close all at once. i still have a ton of stuff to do. i guess that is just the norm thou, huh. i guess i need to make that my focal point of getting it done.....knowing that all i have is 5 1/2 weeks...now get my rear in gear!!!

Back with some more pics...

2008-02-05T07:41:00.000-06:00

And one final one...this is the pack of receiving blankets I bought at Target the other day. I have been referring to Kenzi as my little lady bug. I thought these were so stinking cute!!

I found this super cute creeper at Target the other day!! It says Daddy's little sweet pea! I thought it was appropriate for Kenzie to wear this, since Carli had one that said Daddy's little princess!!!

This is her puppy dog, Lucky, that we made for her at Build A Bear!! I think she is as sweet as can be. And yes, those are Hello Kitty jammies she is wearing!! How ironic huh?? *LOL*

An inside view of the crib...such pretty crib sheet...that would be her diaper bag and her coming home outfit too, along with the baby book!!

Her crib and bedding which I really really like!! We had the blanket hanging on the side there from the beginning of Carli's pregnancy. I didnt know there was a bedding set that went with it. So, for the dust ruffle, bumper pads, crib sheet, and the pretty soft blanket that goes with it, it was only $57 or so after our discount!!! Very girly huh??

Her carseat that we bought when we were expecting Carli. Casey wanted something more gender neutral, so this is what we have. I had to spruce it up with something pink thou....hence the little pink headrest!!!

Here is a pic of her pack n play. I just love the Rainforest collection!!

this is the border that my mom and I put up in Mackenzie's room....quite busy, but very cute!!

Here are the pics to go with the previous post!

2008-01-27T19:41:00.000-06:00

I saw this creeper at Wal*Mart and thought that Mackenzie should wear it, since she is loved by Angel Carli!! It says "Loved by an angel"

This is the bumper pad and dust ruffle for Mackenzie's crib. Will post a pic when it is in her crib too!!

The super soft blanket that matches the bedding set!

The crib sheet for her crib...duh!! *LOL*

The color of Mackenzie's room!! I hate painting by the way!!! *LOL* Kinda matches the color of Kaela's shirt huh??

The front of the shirt that I got Mikaela for St. Patty's day!

The front of the shirt that I got Carter and Keaton for St. Patty's day!

The back of the sleeper that I got for Mackenzie to wear the day she is born (Hopefully St. Patty's day!!) It has little shamrocks all over it!!

The front of Mackenzie's sleeper!! It says Lucky Charm!

The super cute little dress that I got for Mackenzie from Kohl's!! It has little shamrocks all over it too!!

Me at 30w1d, took this picture at work in our new bathroom!!!

I had my 30w1d appt!!

2008-01-27T15:59:00.000-06:00

My dr said all looks good...which it has been this whole time. He told me that we just needed to discuss a date. I laughed and told him that I have had the date since I found out we were pregnant!!! *LOL* So he asked when I was wanting it. i told him March 17th, (which I have told him before!!) and he laughed and said that is going to be one heck of a birthday later when she is old enough to drink!!! He told me he would call down to surgery to see if they could save the date, and that we would have to double check with the maternal-fetal dr. He wants to have two units of blood typed and crossed and down here waiting for me, since I have had a history of having to have transfusions after my sections. He said we just need to make sure that the blood would still be good if I went up on a Friday, for a Monday section. I am so excited!! It is coming down to the wire now!! If I get my 17th date, that means I only have 7 weeks from tomorrow until I get to meet Mackenzie!!! Oh yeah, and I am officially going to the dr every two weeks now!!!

I am so freaking excited!! I have two different outfits now that Mackenzie can wear the day she is born. One is a sleeper from Babies R Us that has little shamrocks all over it and on the right hand breast (when looking at it) says Lucky Charm. On the butt it has a big shamrock. Then today, I stopped by Kohl's cuz someone said they had a St. Patty's day line too. i got the cutest little dress that has shamrocks all over it, with little bloomers that go under it!! So adorable!! I will take pics of it later and make sure to show you all them!! I also picked up shirts for the boys. It is really cute!! (they have the same one!) It is green and says, " you're so lucky i'm not your kid!" And I picked one up for Mikaela a week or two ago, that has a shamrock on it..I will just have to put a pic up of all of them!!

I painted Mackenzie's room last nite. A pretty light green called Shelled Pistachio. I think I will need to add another coat tonite thou. I goofed up on the top by the ceiling thou, so I asked Casey what he thought about putting a border up...he thought it would be a good idea, to help break up the color. So I picked that up today too!! I hope it goes on easy!

I also picked up some bedding for Mackenzie's crib. Not that she will be in it any time soon, but still. Actually, we had the quilt that matches this set from when I was still expecting Carli. I picked up a crib sheet, the bumper and ruffle, and another soft blanket to match it. Only $58....not bad considering the one that I really want is $180!! Dont really forsee me ever getting it thou!!

I guess that is going to be it for now! I am sure there is a ton that I am forgetting, but I will just have to post it later!!

Bad bad Darcie!!

2008-01-14T20:43:00.000-06:00

It has only taken me a month to come and update!! Only a month huh?? I dont know if anyone will be reading this or not, but oh well!!

I think I had a bit of self-pity going on. Christmas was somewhat hard. Not unbearable, but still a bit hard. Overall thou, we had a great Christmas!! I started to post about it, but then got sidetracked, and never made it to get it done! So, therefore, still bad Darcie!! I did decide to go ahead and post what I had started...dont know if it will make much sense to anyone but me!! *LOL*

New Year's was good too, but once again, it was hard! Hard to leave the year of 2007. The "Year of Carli" as I have come to call it. I ended up falling asleep because I was so tired. I felt pretty bad though, I woke up 5 minutes before midnight. Mikaela was pretty excited, but I couldnt bring myself to get up out of bed.

Onto Mackenzie I suppose. We went last weekend, not this past one, but the one before, and made her a doggy from Build-A-Bear that we named Lucky. She is a pretty cute doggy!! Mikaela made a really cute doggy that is white with hearts all over it that she named Maddie. Carter made a monkey that he named Buddy and he dressed him as a firefighter. Keaton made a dog too, that was originally named Gizmo (or so the birth certificate says) but he later informed us his name was Chip! Which fits since he dressed him as a police officer!!

I had an appointment with the maternal-fetal dr today! All went really well!! Then I told them that my regular dr wanted me to ask them about getting 2 units of blood typed and crossed for when I have my c-section. I guess they thought that was odd...then I told them the reason was because of the Duffy antibody that I have. The nurse asked me if I was sure that I had the Duffy antibody...cuz that wasnt a good one to have. I told her I was pretty sure that is what it was called. So they look at my chart, and sure enough there it is!! I guess having this antibody can cause issues with the baby. I have to tell you that I am so glad I didnt know this before!! It can cause the baby to have anemia, and it can cause the baby to die. Yikes!! He said Mackenzie looks good thou! According to my due date, I am 29w1d. Kenzie is measuring a week ahead around 30 weeks. Her estimated weight as of today is 3lbs 7oz. Go my little piggy!! My regular dr wanted me to make sure that we were still on schedule for my March 17th c-section that I want. The maternal-fetal (MF) dr said all looks good for that!! I am so excited!! I will go back and see him at least one more time, just to make sure that Mackenzie still looks good. I will see him again February 25th!!

We went and got a new pack n play yesterday!! I am so excited about it!! I was originally going to get a really girly one, but changed my mind. I got the Rainforest one!! And I love it!! It was fun last nite, thinking about how Mackenzie will look in it!!

I also had an impulse buy yesterday. I bought a Sony Viao laptop. But I took it back to Best Buy today. Dont get me wrong, I really, really would love to have a laptop that is just mine, but I just couldnt justify the cost of it. Kinda funny explaining that to the guy at the return counter. I need to return my impulse buy. He laughed and told me that I will be back. I told him he was probably right!!

Well, I suppose that is a good start for now. I will try to make sure to post more often. I have quite a few thoughts going thru my head.

Okay....Christmas is done!

2007-12-26T19:56:00.000-06:00

And now the big letdown feeling begins. Real positive huh? Sorry!! I think I am always a little bummed after Christmas is over. You know, the big build up...then the big letdown. We had a good Christmas despite the fact that I couldnt find the Target bag that had some of the stocking stuffers in it!! The kids had a blast like they always do!! Keaton cracked me up. Christmas Eve Casey and I had ran out of town and got a big tote to put one of Keaton's presents in. We told him it was for him, and he was so excited about an empty tote!!

I have decided to go ahead and post this, even though it wasnt really finished....just to have it there!! (01-14-08)

Another week down!

2007-12-16T09:43:00.000-06:00

Here I am at 25 weeks! I have been really cranky this week. My poor family!! I think part of it has to do with the fact that we have had crappy weather all week!! The beginning of the week we had the wonderful ice...yuck!! And then we have had snow here the past few days. Needless to say, the sun hasnt been out much, and I am definately a person that needs sunlight daily!!

I just feel aggravated all the way around. I think I always get stressed this time of year. I always worry that my kids wont feel like they got all they should (which they have everything!!), and money always seems to be a big concern. I know, I know...that is a big concern for everyone!! It just seems that it is more of a concern at different times...with right now being one of those!!

Ahhhhhhh!! I just want to scream!! Am I whiny enough?

On a different note, I did something yesterday that I didnt do with Carli. I have taken all the blankets and onesies out of thier packages. I also decided that I wanted to wash the clothes we have. That is something I never did with Carli. All the clothes still had the tags on them. But they dont now!! I washed all of the onesies, and blankets, and the clothes yesterday. Well, all the 0-3 month ones. I really want to get going on her bedroom!! I want to set up the crib, and I want to get a bedding set. The one I want is $189, I dont know if Casey will let me get it, but it is beautiful!! When we get our tax return back I will be buying a new pack n play, which I am really looking forward to! I feel horrible wishing away my pregnancy!! But I am so ready for March!! I think I am more ready for my baby than I have ever been before, which kinda scares me!!

I really shouldnt be on here right now. My house needs picked up, and we have a ton of stuff to do. I just have no energy to do the stuff that I NEED to do. And I hate that!! I think that is part of my problem too this week. I feel guilty because I know I should be doing something productive, but instead I am sitting watching t.v. because it occupies my mind!!

Casey and I each have our gifts for Christmas. We have both played with them already. We got him one of those fancy remotes that does pretty much everything!! Not just any universal remote, one of the fancy ones!! It is great!! And I got one of those picture printers. Kinda amazing since Casey always thought they were crazy. But we got an HP one, and it is pretty good. The only size it does though is 4x6, which is ok. I figure with Mackenzie coming, I should be getting back into taking a ton of pics, and maybe even attempting to scrapbook them. I have really been bad about taking pictures ever since we found out about Carli's condition. I have slacked off so much. I need to get back into the groove!!

24 weeks today!!

2007-12-09T20:11:00.000-06:00

Yes, I can hardly believe it, but I am 24 weeks today!! Hopefully 14 weeks from tomorrow, we will be welcoming Mackenzie into our family!! I am feeling pretty good. I have been having some issues, sometimes when I eat or drink, I feel like it gets stuck down between my breast bone. I just thought it was a fluke, but then one night I had fallen asleep on the couch, and woke up to a coughing fit, and ended up throwing up black stuff. I called the dr the next Monday, and he told me he thinks it has something to do with my heartburn. I told him I didnt know if that was it or not, because I havent really been having as much trouble with it here lately. I havent had any more of the throwing up issues. But, the damn heartburn has been increasing...damn!! I was hoping this pregnancy I might miss out on the extreme version that I have had with all 4 of the others!!

I think I am going to go take the wonderful glucose test tomorrow morning. I guess it really isnt all that bad, I just hate waiting the hour....hope I pass this one, because I really dont want to do the 3 hour one!! Wish me luck!!

Sometimes the weirdest things will get to me. We were heading to the babysitter, and Keaton made an innocent enough comment. He informed me that there are alot of bones at the cemetary. Now, logically, I know this. But it just amazes me how I never really think of it that way. When we go out to see Carli, I dont even think about the fact that, if she isnt already, she will be bones. I always think of her in the way we saw her last. Same thing with my grandma and grandpa. Just one of those odd things, huh??

I went to Andrew's funeral today. I was extremely emotional. But, how could I not be? This is the first funeral I think I have been to since Carli died. It was definately a different kind of funeral. But, I suppose if you know Andrew's mom, Brenda, that shouldnt surprise you. The song they had the casket leave on was International Harvest. I dont think I have ever heard it before today, but it made you have a smile on your face, which is what his family was hoping for. I took some baked spaghetti and garlic bread out to the family yesterday. I am thinking they liked it, because when I told Ryan to holler if he needed anything, he told me I could bring more of that pasta stuff! They seem to be doing ok. Which I am very glad for. I still worry for them thou! This part is hard, but I hate knowing how it could possibly hit them here soon!!

I went and stopped to see Carli after going to there house yesterday. I didnt stay long since it was below freezing, but I wanted to see the tree and wreath that my mother in law put out there. They are pretty cute!! The little tree has a little santa hat on it that says "Tiny Elf" and the wreath I think has blueberries and some kind of red berry on it, and a really pretty bow that she made for it!! Maybe I can make it out there and try to get some pics of it in the daylight!! I really like that the ice/snow that we got yesterday didnt cover Carli's name or picture. The top of the bench protects it pretty well!

Seems like there was something else I wanted to blog about, but of course, I cant think of it!! Guess that can be the next post huh??

Now, Bad news!

2007-12-06T07:37:00.000-06:00

It is amazing how one thing can upset the whole day isnt it? We got to work and one of the girls said she thought she heard on the radio that one of our teenagers was killed the night before. None of us had heard anything like that, so we were hoping that maybe she misheard the name of the city. Turns out she did hear the right thing. One of our Senior class boys was killed Tuesday nite. I guess they were on their was back from a basketball game, and stopped at an off ramp to use the bathroom. Some how, the boy, named Andrew, didnt make it back in the car, and a car I guess came up behind and ran him over.

The whole town (since I live in a small town) is just upside down. The house that we bought, we bought from his grandpa, but we did the negoitations with his mom and dad. I absolutely love his mom!! Her name is Brenda, and she is just the sweetest thing. I remember when Mikaela was in the Sweet Six contest, she was up there adding money to Mikaela's box in hopes of helping her win...and she was wonderful with the news of Carli. And then when we found out we were expecting Mackenzie, she was supportive again.

My heart just breaks for her and her family. I think this is the first person that I know in my real life that has lost a child since I lost Carli. And it just makes you hurt all over again. Well, I guess the hurt was always there, but it brings it right back to the front burner.

So, if you could say an extra prayer for Brenda and her family, it would be appreciated. Andrew has an older brother, and a twin brother. His twin, Ryan, got hurt jumping out of the car to get to Andrew, and is in the hospital with a tear in his lung. So, it just keeps going. I know Brenda is being the rock right now, but I worry about her when she needs the rock!!!

Good news!!

2007-11-25T20:10:00.000-06:00

Oh such good news!! My dear wonderful friend Kate has had Myles!! Here is a link to her blog, since I am illiterate and cant do it the cool way,(http://www.everythingisundercontrol.blogspot.com/). I am sure this is a day that seemed like it would never make it here for her! I am so, so happy for Kate. Words cannot describe how much love is being sent her way!!

Thanksgiving is behind us. We hosted it at our house for some of my family. It seemed to go pretty good. There is a story to go with it thou. We were sitting in the kitchen, and Casey had taken the turkey that was marinating in the brine out of the fridge. Mikaela came in the kitchen and reminded me that Tuesday would have been Carli's 8 month birthday. To which I replied that I had completely missed that. Casey decided to be sassy at that point and asked me if I had already forgotten about Carli. I know he was giving me a hard time, but that is NOT something to even tease about!! It really bothered me and I was just about ready to bust into tears....then Casey tried moving the turkey breasts to drain into the sink....and the damn bag burst all over ME!! Talk about shock!! It shocked the tears away!!

Which brings me to a whole other issue!! I think part of the reason that I missed Carli's 8 month birthday is the fact that we had an appt with the maternal-fetal specialist on Monday, that and the fact that we were getting ready for Thanksgiving. Our appt went wonderful!! We got a ton of pics of Mackenzie!! Everything is looking terrific! She is measuring right on for where she is at...we saw the heart, the diaphragm, the stomach, her face. All looked wonderful! He asked if we wanted to come back, at which point I told him that was up to him. We are going to go back and see him on January 14th I think it is, just to have him check her lungs and all that good jazz. I see my regular dr tomorrow, and will take him a copy of the report too.

I am so ready for March to be here. I think Casey is getting tired of hearing me say that. I am sure everyone is tired of hearing me say it. But it is true!! I really am not wanting to wish away time, but I think I realized when Kate made the announcement that Myles was here, that I just want to hold my baby girl!

I went up to where will eventually be Mackenzie's room today. I actually took the onesies out of the packages, and the blankets too. That is something I didnt do with Carli. I think I took one blanket out...I am even tempted to wash all the clothes that I do have. But part of me is nervous to do that. I really want to go buy a few of the big things for Mackenzie. I saw a really cute pink pack n play that I want to get. I have a dark blue one that I have used with the other kids....but I really want a pink one for her. I can always have one upstairs and one downstairs. I also have never really had a real decorated nursery for any of my kids. Now that we live in our own house, I would love to actually do one. I have even found some really cute bedding that I like.

When I was up in Mackenzie's room, I went out to the car and got Carli's diaper bag from the back of the car. How bad does that sound?? I havent even brought in the diaper bag. I have a bunch of other stuff here, but I hadnt brought that in. I found some interesting info in there about grieving and about neonatal death. Maybe I wasnt ready for that at the time. But it all made sense to me today when I read it.

I am trying to decide if I want to use Carli's diaper bag for Mackenzie or not. I mean, it only makes sense that I should...but....

The really funny thing is...I have a thing about butterflies...they remind me of Carli. We bought Carli's diaper bag the night before we had her...literally! Guess what is on it....BUTTERFLIES and flowers. How weird is that! I never even made that connection before TODAY!! I have had my eye on a diaper bag at Wal*Mart that is brown with pretty pink/orange stripes. I might still get it, just in case. But I have been thinking about getting some of the stuff ready for the bag. Like the coming home outfit, and a few other outfits. Casey's aunt Jo got Carli a really cute little white preemie dress that Carli never got to wear. I think I might have Mackenzie wear that for the pictures that the hospital takes. I will make sure it is ok with her of course, but I dont see it being a problem at all.

I am glad that I am seeing my dr tomorrow. I have been having this funky thing happen when I try to eat or drink. It is almost like it gets stuck in my chest, and I have to breathe thru it to get the food/drink down the rest of the way. Hope he doesnt think I am a fruit cake!!

Do you know how long ago I was in 5th grade??

2007-11-12T22:05:00.000-06:00

A long, long time ago. Why am I complaining about this?? Because if I dont blog about it, I might very well hurt my very own 5th grader. I asked Mikaela earlier tonite if she had any homework...her response....No. Guess what I hear at 9 p.m. Mom, I need a 5 minute speech for tomorrow.

Wait a second...I think I asked if there was any homework!! Why am I hearing this NOW?? I happened to luck out of having to take speech class in high school. Much to my daughter's dismay I am sure now. Mikaela tells me that her group has nominated her to run for her 5th grade class president...against one of the doctors kids! And that she needs a 5 minute speech!! I dont do speeches!! I am just not good with that kind of stuff. Especially when I am hit with it on a Monday nite! Mondays are always the worst!!

So, I help her out...but what I get her is only about a minute long! I told her that was the best I had for her...she was gonna have to try to find 4 more minutes!!

Then I just tried to give Keaton some of my cough medicine because he is hacking away....that was a disaster waiting to happen. I think it is a horrible, no good day!!!

20 weeks down!!

2007-11-11T10:42:00.000-06:00

I am at the halfway point!! I am so excited!! Wait, it seems like I am always excited huh? I cant believe we are back to 20 weeks again. About the same time last year I was here too!! I still cant wait for March to get here! Seems like it is so far away yet! I know I should be enjoying this as much as possible, but I just havent. All I can think of is the end result. This will more than likely be my last pregnancy. I feel kinda guilty that I am wishing away my pregnancy. I think I have always wanted to hurry up each of my pregnancies. I do enjoy being pregnant for the most part. I guess the main thing I love about being pregnant is feeling the baby move. But there are certain things that I could do without. The main thing being the god awful heartburn that I have gotten with all of the pregnancies. And I think with Keaton, Carli, and now this one, I seem to get where I have horrible coughing fits. I dont really remember it much with Keaton, but with Carli it was HORRIBLE!! I have had two different fits of it with Mackenzie so far. And I still have 18 weeks to go! Sounds bad huh?? Me whining huh??

Watching "The Next Iron Chef" tonight, they had a commercial for the year 2008. I always get a little sad each year when the time comes to realize another year is going to be gone. I was thinking how 2007 has been. Of course, I had the birth of Carli to celebrate!! I think back to this time last year in 2006 and think of how happy I was, how excited. I had no idea that anything was wrong with Carli at this point. Well, I kinda knew, but didnt actually KNOW what it was just yet at this point. All seemed to be normal in my pregnancy. Then I think of Carli's birthday...how many different emotions I felt that day. Excitement, nervousness, anxiety, happiness, devastation, etc. And of course all of the other emotions that I have continued to feel thru out the year. I have such mixed emotions about leaving the year 2007. This was Carli's year!! And I know moving into the year 2008, Carli's year will be behind us, and we will be moving into Mackenzie's year. Such happy times are to come! I dont know if any of this makes sense to anyone. I have had a bad day! Things not even pertaining to either one of my little babies. But just wanted to get out some of the thoughts that have been in my head.

Got a few belly pics for you!! 19w6d!!

2007-11-10T10:45:00.001-06:00

Did I ever share pics of my tattoos??

2007-11-09T07:39:00.001-06:00

Someone was asking for pics of our tattoos on one of my baby boards. I thought I would come and share them here too!!

This is the first one I had done in March 2005. the four leaf clover is for my wish of having another baby (which turned out to be Carli) and for luck, and the 3 hearts were for Mikaela, Carter, and Keaton. It is on my right hip.

I went up to have the last one done, and they had to draw it up, so while we had been waiting I found this one!! I fell in love with it. It is pink angel wings and a blue halo (as close as they could get to Carli's birthstone) with her name and date of birth. This tattoo was actually pretty helpful in helping me heal after losing her. It is on my right ankle.

And this tattoo has all of my children in it. The blue butterfly is Carli up in Heaven, with the red butterfly for Mikaela, the purple dragonfly is for Carter, and the white dragonfly is for Keaton. The colors of the butterflies and dragonflies are the color of the kids birthstones. When I get the chance there will be another butterfly underneath the boys' dragonflies in the same color butterfly, but the shape of Mikaela's butterfly, as Carli's. It is on my left hip.

As you can tell, they are in places that can be covered up at work. My boss is really conservative, and I didnt think he was going to like the one on my ankle. But being as that he loves me so much, he didnt give me nearly the amount of grief I figured he would. I just told him that while I will remember Carli and think of her everyday...others wont. This is a way to have a visual reminder to others that I did have a baby between Keaton and Mackenzie...plus I just really love the way it looks!!

Also, as you can tell, I think I have it figured out on how to put the pic where I want it. Maybe I will even get some pics of the kids from Halloween on here. Maybe.

Told you I would be back!

2007-11-08T18:20:00.000-06:00

Ok! I wanted to let you know that I will be going to see my maternal-fetal dr at least one time. I am actually excited about this, and if I didnt have to pay to see him each time, i would continue to see him thru the rest of the pregnancy. He is a great man who looks a little like an Ewok!!! It is all set for us to go see him on Monday, November 19th. I am really hoping that he will do an ultrasound to make sure that he thinks all looks good too!! Well, I guess another reason I want him to do it is to make sure that Mackenzie is still a little girl!! I really dont think we have anything to worry about in that aspect, seeing as we got a pretty good labia shot! Or so Dr. S says!!! I am glad I will get to see Dr. E before Thanksgiving thou!! I think it will bring some more relief!!

On another note, i had a really rough time last nite. I was just sitting there watching "Kitchen Nightmares" and saw Carli's picture with her eyes open. For some reason, it really got to me. I think it is knowing that I will be getting a little girl (or so I am really, really hoping!!) to come home with me in March, and knowing it isnt my Carli. It is just so strange how one day you can be so extremely affected, and then the next it not be so bad. I guess it just isnt as overwhelming I should say. I am affected by Carli every single day...wether I realize it or not!!

On a lighter note, want to hear something funny?? I am sure Mikaela would kill me if she knew I was sharing this...but it is funny....now. When we were at the store the other nite, she asked me if we could buy some Ramen noodles. I told her sure, I kinda like having them around. Well, Monday nite we had a wonderful dinner of left over lasagna...but not alot of it. Later she decided that she was still hungry. So she decided to make some Ramen noodles. That is all fine and dandy until she hollers for me to come upstairs...as I am walking upstairs...I smell the horrible aroma of something burning...really bad!!! I holler and ask what's on fire??? She told me nothing but come upstairs. She is making the noodles in the microwave. Smoke is rolling out of my microwave...really nasty smelling smoke, that I can STILL smell today!! It was her noodles burning!! I get them out of the microwave and take the bowl outside. Casey comes up a this point and ask what the heck is going on....we tell him. He then ask Mikaela if she forgot to put water in the bowl!! To which she slaps a hand over her mouth and replys...."OH!!!" Yes, she completely FORGOT to ADD the water!!!! So, if anyone has any great ideas on how to get the stench out of my microwave, I would greatly appreciate it!!!

Here I am again!

2007-11-08T07:59:00.000-06:00

While I havent done a good job at getting a belly pic up, I did however take a picture of the outfit that I think Mackenzie will be coming home in!! Guess I should first start off with saying that I think more than likely this baby's name is going to be Mackenzie. I think I might have gone over this before, but like I previously mentioned...I cant remember all that I have said, and not, without going back and re-reading all of the posts!! *LOL* At this moment, I believe this baby girl's name will be Mackenzie Grace H. I personally LOVE it!! Just hope Casey agrees!! Ok, anyway, back to the coming home outfit. This outfit was originally going to be Carli's coming home outfit, but as you know there were some complications in that!! I really feel that this outfit will be all the more special seeing Mackenzie come home in it, and I feel in my heart of hearts that Carli would really like for her baby sister to wear it home!!

Ok, ok....your asking where the pic is huh?? Well, here it is!!!

I just bought the socks and the headbands last weekend, maybe the weekend before. I am so excited for March to get here!!

I was going to post more, but I need to finish getting ready for work, and make sure Keaton is ready to go too!!

Well....

2007-11-06T07:08:00.000-06:00

I sometimes hate that I cant take any anxiety meds when pregnant. I seem to be doing alot of worrying here lately. Not even pregnancy related. I am stressing about money! Which I almost always worry about. i really need to do better about budgeting. Also, we still have a ton of crap in the house we were renting before we got here. Yeah, I know...we have been here for a while...but I just havent wanted to go out there. Plus it doesnt help that the landlord guy is a biker dude who can be kinda scary if he wants to. We need to do some repairs out there, and get the carpet cleaned. My kids are hard on carpet! I would just get all the stuff and bring it here, but where we used to live was basically a little town built on a field...so mice love it out there! And I dont want to bring mice here!! So, I really need to get my rear in gear and just get it done!! But I am such a procrastinator!! And that is another thing that drives me nuts!! I know it needs done, but I am not getting it done!! One of the ladies that I used to work with at the pharmacy, is now city clerk for where we used live, (it is five miles from here), and I think she must have said something to my landlord, cuz he called last month, and said he really needs to get someone in there. this lady and I dont get along!! So, I am sure she did in vengeance. I just need to get it done!! But when I come home from work, I am so tired...I am hoping to get a major chunk of it done this weekend!!

I also have been thinking alot of Carli! Not that I dont think of her all the time anyhow, but this would have been her first Halloween! One of the ladies I work with now asked if I minded if she put Carli on the list for All Saint's Day at her church. I told her I didnt mind. My fave OB nurse, Kristin saw me Sunday at the store and asked if I had gone to church that day. Well, I didnt...I am really bad about not going to church. But she told me that she saw Carli's picture on the slide show that they did, and she lost it! The lady from work told me that she thinks alot of people lost it seeing a baby, when all the other people on there were older adults. I am so glad to know that there are so many people out there that have been affected by my sweet little girl!

We went out to the cemetery yesterday and threw away the little pumpkin that we took Carli for Halloween. For some reason I was really emotional going out and getting that. I sometimes feel guilty for how excited I am for this baby. i really do think Carli would want me to be happy....and I am sorry if I keep repeating that. I cant really remember what I have in each post! I have decided that I think this baby will wear home the outfit that we had gotten for Carli to wear home. Carli didnt get to wear it, but in my heart, I dont feel that she would mind this. I bought a cute little pack of socks that I think would match the dress perfectly, and also got a little 3 pack of headbands. Maybe when I get around to doing the belly pics, I will take a pic of that too!!

OK, OK....I know I have been slacking!!

2007-11-04T14:46:00.000-06:00

But here I am!! I have wanted to come post results of the big ultrasound...I have really. But it seems like every time I think about coming to do it, I either get side-tracked or just dont know what I want to say! but thanks to a few ladies....here I am!!

My ultrasound went wonderful!! The tech showed us where the heart was, where the stomach was, and most importantly, where the diaphragm was. Everything was where it is suppose to be. I literally let out a HUGE sigh of relief. The tech showed us the four chamber heart...and we got to see a really nice skeleton view of the face! *LOL* Our tech, Gretchen, did keep telling me thought that she was having a hard time getting a good shot of the "Goods". Casey and Keaton had gone with me. Right around this point, Keaton stated that he had to poop!! That's my Keater!! Always lightening the mood!! *LOL* So, I told Casey to go ahead and take Keaton to the bathroom...at which point I asked Gretchen if an earthquake might help our situation. You know what I mean, right?? Where you do the tummy jiggle to get the baby to switch postions! She said it couldnt hurt anything...so that is exactly what I did!! And it worked!!! Not only did it work, but this child gave a really nice shot of it!! Gretchen wouldnt even guess before this point. She later told me that at first she thought girl, then she thought boy. But I believe Gretchen wouldnt have told me if she wasnt pretty sure!! So, I am sure at this point you are wondering why am I not telling you huh?? I know, I am just being mean!

Well, I am very pleased to announce that we are more than likely going to have another baby GIRL!!!! I am beyond thrilled! But, I do want to mention how I have had a few bouts of guilt. I am so excited to be having another baby girl...sometimes I feel that I am cheating Carli with all of my excitement. I really do think thou that Carli would want me to be happy, and excited..and all those other emotions! As crazy as this sounds, I really do feel that Carli had a hand in making sure that I got another little girl.

As for names, I reminded Casey that he told me we could discuss them once we knew what it was. Casey told me that maybe the kids could help with this one. I have talked with all of the kids on this one. Mikaela's choice is Mackenzie Lynne and Carter likes Maeryn. As for my little Keaton, well, he always finds a way to melt my heart. We were talking about it on the way to the babysitter one day. I was telling Keaton all of the names that I liked. He informed me that "Carli needs a baby sister named Kenzi!" Those are the boy's words!!! Casey thinks I have the kids brainwashed into choosing that name. Which really isnt true, since here lately I have fallen in love with the name Kolette. But Mackenzie was one of my top choices. Now I am trying to decide how I want to spell it. I am thinking of dropping the "E" maybe. Mackenzi....hmmm...I dont know yet! Guess I need to work on that. But I have decided that I really like the middle name of Grace. Mackenzie Grace....I think it flows really well. Casey did say NO on that one, but I really, really love it.

Keaton has been calling the baby Kenzi, so I am guessing that will more than likely be her name. Also, I have just recently been feeling some movement. Another huge relief! It was rather cute the other day. I was laying on the couch watching t.v., and Wickett was laying at the bottom of my tummy and I felt Kenzi kick. Well, Wickett must have felt it too!! He jerked his little head up and looked around like "What the heck was that?"

I am doing really well at this point. The heartburn, oh the nasty heartburn, hasnt kicked in yet. I am hoping that maybe I wont get it as bad this time. Yeah, I know....very wishful thinking huh? I do have to admit, that at my last appointment, I gained 8, yes, 8 pounds. I about fell off the scale!! My doctor wasnt worried about it. I only gained a little more than that my WHOLE pregnancy with Carli!! He told me as long as I dont gain that every month, and as long as my glucose test didnt come back at 400, then I was fine. I am glad he is ok with it...but WOW!! He told me not to go and start being anorexic...I laughed and told him not to worry...that wasnt going to happen. I love food too much for that!! *LOL*

Guess that really is all there is to update about. Sorry I didnt get it done sooner!!!

Sometimes I cant believe some of my thoughts!!

2007-10-18T07:53:00.000-05:00

Last nite Casey and I had to make some choices for next years insurance. I would have never thought that Carli's death would have ever made me think of insurance different, but it did! We were trying to decide all the fun things like deductibles and maximum out of pocket expenses. I mean, I have always wished we could have the lowest possible out of pocket, but thinking about our hospital bills from this year, I have really, really wished we had lower. Casey told me that we arent going to have anything like this last year next year. I told him I sure hoped we didnt. They want any changes made by October 26th. I really just want to call my dr and ask him if we can get the ultrasound sometime next week, rather than waiting until October!! That way, as morbid as this sounds, we can change our out of pocket if we need to! How horrible is that thought!!! I hate it!!

I had a really crappy day at work yesterday! Some people think that their lack of planning should constitute as an emergency on our part!! I work in a pharmacy...I deal with this everyday!! But come on people!! You are not suppose to wait until they day you are out of meds to get it refilled!!! And YOU are suppose to make sure that their are refills on YOUR meds!! I had one lady call yesterday that is considered an acquaintance! Her youngest daughter was released from the NICU that Carli was in on the day Carli was born. Needless to say, this child, along with her sister have some major problems since they were both born premature. They take a med to help raise thier blood sugar. So you would think, as important as a drug as that is, that she would not wait until she is COMPLETELY out of meds!! She calls me yesterday and needs a refill for DD #1, but she is out of refills! DD #2's script wont be able to be filled until Friday. But she is completely out of both!! I tried to explain to her our situation on it...I really did feel bad that she would have to pay out of pocket for one of them, but it is beyond my control. It all worked out in the end, she got a dr from our local ER to call in a refill of the meds for her so it went thru insurance and she didnt have to pay a cash price, but I still felt crappy. So crappy, that I cried for quite a while!! I really do try to do what I can...but sometimes I am limited as to what I can do!! Plus it didnt help that they weather was really, really crappy yesterday too!! It rained all day long, and we were even in a tornado watch!!

Crazy times!!

2007-10-14T12:18:00.001-05:00

Well, just wanted to let you know that I guess I wont be getting my much wanted gender check!! I called the place last week, only to find out that they are no longer in business. There is a place in Wichita that does them, but you have to have a dr's note stating it is ok for you to have it done. Which my dr said he would do, but I feel kinda bad asking for one, when I should just hold off a few more weeks, and have it done here at the hospital.

Thank you girls for your comments on the names!! I guess it is a good thing that Colton isnt really high on my list, since it could be a mouthful yelling Keaton and Colton! Very good point!!

Other than that, life is going pretty good. I did have my first major test this week. Casey's uncle passed away on Friday, October 5th. We went down to Oklahoma for his funeral. It was really hard. I would have never imagined how hard it would have been. I found myself thinking of Carli alot more. On the way to the visitation, I thought of our visitation with Carli. Same thing with the ride to the cemetary. I just kept having flashbacks. And it really sucked! I cried so much that I had a horrid headache. I just kept thinking of how Aunt Meme was feeling, and it made me sick to my stomach.

I went up and gave Meme a hug when we made it to the visitation, and she told me "this has just been a shitty year hasnt it!!" I told her that I had to agree. She then tried brightening it back up by telling me that we have something good coming this spring thou!! That we do!! I keep trying to keep my eye on the prize, without stressing too much!!

I am such a bum!!

2007-10-05T07:40:00.000-05:00

I cant believe I havent posted in almost a month!! I have thought about different stuff I wanted to blog about, but just couldnt seem to get the energy to post it!! But, thanks to Nanny's comment...here I am!!

She asked me what the names were that I had....are you really ready for the names?? I guess it really isnt too bad of a list...so here we go!! Boys names first, then the girls!! *= my personal first choices

BOYS
*Cade Ryan
*Cole Andrew
Cael, Kael
Kane
Camden
Colton
Conner
Corbett

GIRLS
*Mackenzie Lynne (or possibly Mackenzie Gracelyn)
*Kaia Marie (Caia)
Cambree
Cambria
Camryn
Karrigan
Kelby
Kendall
Kiely, Keeli
Kylar
Maeryn

I was asking Keaton the other night which of the names he liked. That is when Casey mentioned something about letting the kids name this baby. I told him that was an interesting thought, that as long as him and I narrow it down, that would be fine! I think!!

My last dr appt went pretty good. All looks great! I am at 142lbs, blood pressure looked good at 110/70. It took him a bit to get the heartbeat! I guess the little bean sprout was moving around ALOT!! He did finally get it thou and said it was in the 140's. He told me that we would probably have my u/s at 26 weeks, at which point I reminded him that he said between 18 & 20 he would do it...my next appt I will be at 17 weeks, so he said we will do it at the appt after that at 21 weeks...I didnt fight him on that. He said he wanted to wait until 21 weeks since all looked good at the last u/s. I reminded him that all looked good with Carli at 10 weeks too!! He told me that he has his fingers and toes crossed that all is going to be good this time, and that he is even hoping I wont have to have a blood transfusion this time...I laughed and told him that was wishful thinking!! I had 2 with Carter, and one with Keaton and Carli, so I will more than likely have one this time too!! He told me he will have my blood down here ready to go, since it has to be typed and crossed since I have some weird duffy antibody. Next appt is set for Oct 29th!!

One of the girls from one of the message boards I go to mentioned asking the dr about seeing if I could donate my own blood. I thought that was an interesting concept. I will ask him at my next appt.

I will also tell you how impatient I am. I think I am going to call Baby Images in the mall to see if I can get an early gender check at 16 weeks. That is where I went with Carli, and the first time I went, they told me they were pretty sure she was a girl, but had me come back at 18 weeks and did another check, where they told me they were SURE she was a girl!! I am sure I will post here as soon as I find out what this bean sprout is!!

I really want another little girl. I know I must have said it 3 million times. I feel guilty sometimes since I want a little girl so bad!! Dont get me wrong, I will love having another little boy if that is what is meant to be, but I cant even tell you how I felt when I found out Carli was my little girl!!

I have found that I do pretty good when people ask me some of the crazy questions that they do!! One of my customers came in to the pharmacy about a week ago and asked me what baby #4 was...I told her a little girl named Carli Mae. She said, "Oh, how great!! You evened it out at home..." At that point I sighed and said well, kinda. Then I told her about Carli and what happened. You could just see the look!! After telling her that, she told me that if she had known, she wouldnt have said anything. That is when I told her that I LOVE talking about Carli!! I told her next time she came in that maybe I would have my little book of pictures of her!

I will have to see if I can post a few of the pictures from our trip to the pumpkin patch this year!! But for now...I am off of here to finish getting Keaton ready for the sitter!!

I am a proud aunt again!!

2007-09-12T08:14:00.000-05:00

Monday night at 9:51pm, my first nephew, Colby Lee was born. He was 6lbs 5oz and 20 inches long. He is a cute little guy!! I have to admit, even though I dont want to, I had a rough time going up to see his mommy while she was in labor. It had nothing to do with her, it was just hard to think of being up there at that time.

Colby is doing good. He has been a little sleepy, but I am sure it has to do with all the pain meds his mommy has had. I did finally get to see his eyes last nite. While Chelsea was in the bathroom, I decided to go ahead and check his diaper. I took off the sleeper and he was stirring. The nurse came in and I asked when he was suppose to eat again. She said any time now would be good. So I got him good and awake!! He was even fussy as I changed his diaper. I had only heard him cry when the nurse had given him his Vitamin K shot.

Keaton is so stinking cute!! He is playing with my tummy right now and kissing the baby. He just told me my tummy is getting big. I think that is part of the reason that I wish March was here already. The kids are ready to bring a baby home too!! I just wish we would know what kind of baby we are going to have. Casey wont look at the list of names until we know what the baby is. Very frustrating!!

So far, so good!

2007-09-04T08:35:00.000-05:00

Doing pretty good right now! Even though I had to make up a few days since they changed my due date to March 30th! That is ok thou, since that is right from O! Been feeling pretty good for the most part!! I now am thru 1/4 of my pregnancy!

My mom and I took the kids to Oceans of Fun this past weekend. It was really fun. The kids were all really good. We took one of Mikaela's friends, Jordan, with us. They took off and had all sorts of fun by themselves. My mom and I took care of watching the boys! Carter is not afraid of much when it comes to water. He was doing an awesome job at swimming too!! That place is really awesome! They have a wave pool, a lazy river, which both boys loved, a place called Paradise Falls. Quite a bit of stuff!! I didnt get any pictures thou. I took the camera, just didnt want to mess with the possiblity of it getting wet!

This weekend, mom and I are gonna get off work early on Friday, and we are all going down to Branson for the weekend!! That should be a ton of fun!! We are going to be staying at a place that has a water park at the hotel!! That in itself will save a ton of $$$ on entertainment costs! They have a place called The Butterfly Place, that I am really looking forward to going to! They also have a Ripley's museum that we are going to hit up too!! Mikaela and Carter are excited since they will be getting out of school early!!

First prenate down!!

2007-08-29T21:46:00.000-05:00

I had a really good appt! I had the sono first, and it showed just one baby. Which is good!! I didnt have to worry about Casey passing out! We saw the little heart beating away at 170 bpm. All looked well, and they changed my due date from March 27th like I had figured, but they moved it to March 30th, which is actually right on for when I ovulated!! All looked good!!
Dr said he will probably keep an eye on my hemoglobin. I have had to have a blood transfusion after the last 3 c-sections, so he wants to keep an eye on it, and he said they will probably make sure to have some blood on hand for another transfusion after this c-section as well. I have some funky antibody called a Duffy antibody, so they have to really check out the blood!
He said they will probably do an sono between 18 & 20 weeks to see if we can rule out any problems!! I am very excited for that one!! He normally doesnt do one until 24-28 weeks!! Evil, pure evil I tell ya!! Then I will have another one probably around 28-32 weeks!!
And just for good measure, here is a picture of our little lucky charm!!

Oh yeah! A few more things!!

2007-08-29T07:52:00.000-05:00

I forgot that I wanted to say that my little baby in my widget actually looks like a little baby now, rather than a little alien!!

And, we are gonna be getting a new puppy!! Probably around September 16th!! A little boy!! We decided to name him Wickett, since he will kinda look like an Ewok!! He is a Morkie, which is 1/2 Maltese and 1/2 Yorkie!! I am so excited!! His momma is only 4.5lbs and his daddy is 3.5lbs! So needless to say, he will be a little guy!! We have already bought a little food/water bowl, and a super cute little, and I stress the word little, collar that says, "Bad to the bone!"

I cant wait to share pictures of him!!

And, Sunday, we went out the the cemetary to visit Carli, and Keaton never ceases to amaze me!! He always talks to Carli!! I think Casey and I were kinda down when we were out there, but Keaton made us smile!! He went over and showed Carli (leaned over where she is) and said, "Hey Carli, want to see my new tattoo? It is a dinosaur!!" He is just so sweet and innocent!!

First prenate appt today for this pregnancy!

2007-08-29T07:44:00.000-05:00

I have my first prenate appointment today!! I will go for an ultrasound at 1:30 p.m. and then right after that I go see Dr. S! I am so excited, but so scared/nervous all at once. I had an u/s about this same time last time with Carli. Actually, they say that by the end of this week is when the risk for congenital problems drop. With Carli, they say her diaphragm didnt close up around this time. But the baby is too small to know that right now. As silly as it sounds, I did talk to my belly one day last week and told the diaphragm to do what it was suppose to do!!

Monday seemed to be kinda of a rough day again. Last Monday was the same way! I was very anxious and felt like I was gonna burst into tears at any moment! I think it was a combo of trying not to stress out about this appt, and that I had Chelsea's baby shower on Sunday. It went really well. I got pretty upset though, cause some of my family decided it would be nice to be fashionably late! I put on the invites that it was gonna start at 2 p.m. They decided to show up around 2:30-2:45! I was NOT happy!! I had to wait for them to show up so we could do all the games! After that though, it went smooth!

Oh man!! Where to start!!

2007-08-14T21:25:00.000-05:00

Here is the front!
And the back!!

I really dont know for sure where to start, so here it goes....

I guess I will start with the really wonderful news that Miss Carli's bench finally showed up!! Yes!! It is here!! And I am so incredibly excited about it! And sad all at the same time!! It is really beautiful thou! The guy called me and left me a message telling me that he got it set up....so I of course was not going to be able to wait until after work to see it...so I headed out to the cemetery to see it!! It is wonderful! And I am so excited that Carli finally has her bench for us to come sit and visit with her on. But, we havent really been making it out there too much to see her, since it has been 100 + degrees. I am sure she understands!!

On the pregnancy side...I have felt like crap!!! I went to the ER on Friday at 7pm. While at the pool with the kids earlier, my left hand, left side of my lips, my tongue, and even my teeth, yes my teeth, felt numb. I stopped by work and checked my blood pressure...141/92, super high for me. Go in thinking my dr was the one on call...guess what, hes not!! A paperboard like dr is on instead...I didnt really feel like they did much. They checked my blood pressure again, which was good...checked my temp, guess it was good, and he checked to make sure I wasnt having a stroke. That is pretty much it! Oh yeah, he also asked me if the baby was moving like normal. To which I gave him a funny look, and said, well, I dont know since I CANT FEEL it move yet, since I am only 7 weeks!! Talk about wanting to smack him upside the head!!

Anyhow, needless to say, I went home, had a massive migraine that started and hasnt completely gone away since then. I went to bed that nite at 7:30pm, woke up at 2:45am, took 2 T3's, stayed awake until 5am watching mindless tv, then slept until 10 or 11am. I did end up going to Topeka for awhile on Saturday, but I really wasnt up for it. I only went to get a few things for my SIL's baby shower coming up soon. I did pretty much take the dr's advice though, and stayed in the house where it was cool. But it didnt help the migraine at all. I even stayed home yesterday from work, with the exception of going to see my dr for myself and for Carter's Kindergarten physical. Tell me something, why the hell do Kindergartners need a physical??? But Carter passed his with flying colors!!

As for me seeing my dr, he really couldnt do much he said. As we all know, since I mention it 23 thousand times...I will be seeing him in 2 weeks and 1 day for my first prenatal appt and sonogram. Which I am still very excited for!! He told me that if the headaches continue, he might move the appt up sooner...I did ask him if it was possible for there to be two babies in there since I am having such doozies of headaches. He said he didnt know, he hadnt ever heard of headaches being a sign of twins. Not the headaches silly....the SEVERITY of the headaches!! Guess we will find out in 2w1d!!

Speaking of that...want to see a picture of my tummy?? How about TWO?? Here is me at 6w3d:

And me at 7w3d!!

Me thinks the belly is growing!! Dr. S wonders if my migraines arent stress related, considering all I went thru with Carli. I told him that so far, I havent really stressed yet. That I have been doing well with this pregnancy. Some how, I dont think he believes me! I really do have an amazing group of support, coming from all directions! My family and friends here, a great group of dr's to work with, and of course I have some amazing friends in my computer!! I wish they could all know how much they mean to me, but I dont think they will ever competely know!!

Well, at least I got on here and did some updating!! Oh crud, I just remembered, I need to make sure to get a really super cute picture of Carter for one of my message boards!! Must work on that!! But for now, this chicka is really ready for bed!!!

6 weeks and 3 days

2007-08-05T21:11:00.000-05:00

That is how far along I am as of today. Wow!! It just seems like I just found out I was pregnant!! But man does it seem like forever away!! I dont have my first appointment until August 29th...and I am so ready for it!! I seem to be growing pretty quick this time. I cant believe it!

I cant remember if I have said this before or not, but when I ask Keaton how many babies there are in my tummy, he says 2! No lie!! Maybe Granny's dream will come true! Casey will die if that is the case! All the more reason I cant wait to go to my first prenatal appointment! I have my sonogram first before I even have my appt. That kinda makes me nervous too!

I have been trying to have good thoughts. I havent really had very many bad thoughts. I even bought a little something the other day at the dollar store. Just some cute little pink pacis. I sure hope it is a girl!! I keep saying that, but in all reality, I know I will love a little boy just as much!!

There has been a number of people who tell me they cant believe I am doing as well as I am. The way I look at it, I have 2 choices. I can make the best of it, whatever that might be, and go on living my life, or I can be upset and down and miserable. I personally choose to try to make the best of it. We all know that if I could have Carli here with me, then I would. But nothing I do or say is going to change that fact! Yes, I miss her terribly, and would give anything in the world (well, within limits) to have her back in my arms. I look at this pregnancy, and think of all the hope I have for it! I am going to do my best and try to enjoy every aspect of it that I can. I have even been taking weekly pictures of my growing belly. And so far, I have done good! I just wish I would have done that with Carli too!

On a completely different front, my sister in law, Melissa, had a garage sale this weekend and was selling all her scrapbook stuff. I got to buy all of it, or I guess I should say my mom bought it all for me! I am so excited too!! I got a Cricut!! I even played with it today. I got a start on my pregnancy album. I started a page entitled, A Blessing. It has the picture of my positive digital pregnancy test! I just need to get my journaling on it. I have the new printer hooked up, so now I dont have any excuse not to get it done!! My SIL had a ton of stuff!! Tons of paper, tons of magazines/idea books!! It is crazy!! I need a whole room just to set up my scrapbooking stuff!!

Happy 10th Birthday Mikaela!!

2007-07-31T23:01:00.000-05:00

Today is my oldest baby's birthday!! 10 years ago today, I became a mommy for the first time!! We went and stayed at a hotel last nite, since I had today off. We went and saw Shrek the 3rd today too!! All in all, I think it was a good day!! I cant believe I have a 10 year old though!!

Happy birthday my sweet little girl!!! I love you more than you can know!!!

Wanted to share something else!

2007-07-28T11:48:00.000-05:00

After I had Carli, one of my doctors, the maternal-fetal dr, told me something very helpful. He told us that for the rest of our lives, it is going to be like walking on a beach. For the most part, we will have little waves lapping at our feet, but there will be some big waves that come and knock us off our feet. You know, that has been true. When I see him again, I plan on telling him how true it is!!

This is excellent!!

2007-07-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

I was reading this over on Calypso's page. I dont know if her mom, Melissa, wrote it, or if she found it somewhere, but this hits the nail on the head!! I printed a copy of it to have with me. I just wanted to share it, in case anyone wants to see it!!

What everyone should know

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm 'over it' or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no 'normal' way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be 'over and done with' in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be 'over' this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ''normal' you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say 'next time things will be okay'. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

We have told most of the family we are expecting a baby!

2007-07-24T08:14:00.000-05:00

And so far, it seems like they have all taken it really good! I had a few that were really excited for me! Which that helps alot! I even took some belly pics already!! I have decided that I am going to do that this time. I didnt do it with Carli, and I really regret it now. Assuming everything goes right, this will be our last baby. Kinda sad.

I have yet to tell my boss. He is going to a convention this week in Boston. I thought I would wait until next week to tell him. That way he can enjoy his time away without stressing about me being pregnant. We have another girl at work that is pregnant and is due the middle of next month. We didnt know she was pregnant when we hired her, or he probably wouldnt have hired her. She seems to be doing ok, but you know. She isnt anything like how I am when I am pregnant and working.

I have been having the same crazy itching of my legs this time that I did last time when I was pregnant with Carli. It drives me batty!! And for the last week or so, I have been having lower back pains. Yesterday was the worse it has been so far. I put a heat pack on it, one of those disposable ones, and it helps alot. Think I might have to buy some more of those to keep on hand!!

I talked to my specialist's nurse yesterday. He is actually the dr that delivered Carli. Liz was super excited for us. She said they normally see you around 20 weeks, since the baby should be nice and big for an u/s. Unless of course my dr here wants me to see him sooner. I am really looking forward to that appt. She checked her calendar and told me that that will be right before Thanksgiving! I think it would be so cool to know what we are having by then!! I am keeping my fingers crossed for that!!

Got some news on the bench!

2007-07-21T22:41:00.000-05:00

I called the monument place about Carli's bench. He was very nice. Told me that it has been sitting in a dock in Georgia for the past 2-3 weeks. That he has really been bugging them to get it shipped. But i guess since fuel prices are so high, they have been stalling. He PROMISED to call me as soon as it was in. He said not to quote him, but that he thought it might ship out on Friday. I sure hope so! I am getting antsy waiting to see it!! I hope it is as beautiful in real life as it is in my imagination!!

Can I just say again how excited I am that we are expecting another little one in March!!! I have to admit though, that there are some fears there as well. I kinda cornered Casey the other night. Asked him what he thought of it all. I know he is happy about it, but I know there is the agony of the thought of having to go thru something like we did with Carli again.

I am really looking forward to my first prenate appointment on August 29th. God that seems like forever away!! I am scheduled for a sono thou. So, that should hopefully bring me some relief. Even though I had a sono at the same time with Carli. That was right after the diaphragm hadnt fully closed last time. Of course, it is too soon to be able to tell anything like that. You know...since they are so small and all!! Guess I will just have to keep plugging along until then huh!! Did I mention that that is FOREVER away!! *LOL*

Well, I have only know for 4 days, and have been itching to buy something baby. Today, i got to fill that urge. My mom and I are going to throw a baby shower for my brothers girlfriend, Chelsea. I pretty much refer to her as my sister in law.

Anyhow...I got to go buy baby stuff!! HA! HA! Casey!! *LOL* He cant understand my urge to want to buy something baby, no matter how small it might be!! I am so looking forward to this baby shower!! I got to buy diapers, wipes, pacis, bottles, washcloths, towels, burp clothes, baby soap...all the good stuff you know!! And of course all of the game stuff too!! We are going to do a baby word scramble, guess the baby food, fill in the blank nursery rhyme game, who has the dirty diaper?, memorize it, and The Baby came (a baby in an ice cube). Chelsea is really excited too!! I got the stuff to make my favors. Little pacis made from jelly beans and life savers, the chocolate bars that I have ordered the wrappers for, the little prizes for the winners of the games. For that, we got a really nice little candle that was 1/2 off (a whopping 50 cents) with a really nice bottle of body spray and a tube of same scent body lotion. Then we are also going to have a diaper raffle, where the winner gets a calgon bath pack. And of course, we have to make it easy for Chelsea to do her thank you notes, so we are going to have people address the envelopes for her, and she will draw one out for that person to win a little pedicure set. I think I am going to call our favorite scrap store and see if they will make me a nice little advice journal and have everyone put something in it for Chelsea while she is opening the presents!

I seem to have it pretty much planned!! Did it mostly today!!

Well, I must go lay down in my bed with my hubby. I guess he has missed me today!!

Such a range of emotions!!

2007-07-20T08:09:00.000-05:00

Wow!! I am so excited but nervous all at the same time!! I told my dr about my positive test. He is super excited for me too!! He said he has all his fingers and toes crossed for me. And that he feels this time it will go better. So far, I dont have any off feelings. So that is a good sign. He told me he would have his nurse Patty set up my first appointment and my first sono. They are officially set for Wednesday, August 29th!! I am so excited!

I really do feel that Carli had a hand in this. I had decided that I wasnt going to avoid trying this month. My SIL, Chelsea said she too thinks that Carli had a hand in this. She thinks that Carli thought it would be good to have some happiness around my sad time. I totally agree. My mom has told me that I am going to have to prepare myself for that. I have already thought of that. That has been on my mind since we started TTC. I know this journey is going to be hard, but i am excited to be on it. I am already anxious to find out what we are having. I had told Carli that we would really like another baby sister down here. I especially want a girl now!! I have all of those super cute outfits that I bought for Carli. And with the due date being only a week after Carli's birthday...it makes me want it all the more. So far, no feelings on what it is...I know it is too soon.

I do have to add that in one of my last few posts, I posted about my kids due dates. See, it is there!! Mikaela=August 4th, Carter=June 27th, Keaton=May 4th, Carli=April 4th, and this one is March 27th!

I talked to my favorite OB nurse, Kristin, yesterday. I told her all about it. She asked when the due date was...i told her March 27th, so she asked if I was wanting March 13th...I told her no, that what I really wanted was March 17th. She said she will call the dr and tell him that they have me set for a c-section on March 17th!!! *LOL* Only a few days in, and we got the date set!! I really hope my dr will let me do it! That is the 10-14 days before!!

I have only told a few people. I havent told my boss yet. He is leaving for Boston for a week next week. He usually freaks out, so I think I will wait until he gets back. He should be expecting it to come any time now thou. He has been warned that we were going to try again, and he said he knew I would!

Looks like we are gonna have another Spring Break baby!! That is when we had Carli last year!! Now I just need to come up with a cute little nickname for the baby. Any ideas??

We have a positive!!!!

2007-07-19T08:13:00.000-05:00

Today's Results!! 07/19/07

Yesterdays results, above!!! 07/18/07

I will try to come and explain feelings tonite when I have more time!! But for now, I am excited, and nervous all at the same time!!

The waiting game is still going!

2007-07-17T08:17:00.000-05:00

Well, I tested this morning. Still a negative. Got symptoms...just dont know if it is for AF or pregnancy. Guess time will tell! More waiting!

Waiting sucks!!

2007-07-16T22:03:00.000-05:00

I hate waiting!! I will admit that I can be pretty impatient!! That is the case right now. I am trying not to read too far into anything at this point. The past couple of days when I have tested to see if we are gonna have a baby....they have been negative! It was negative again this morning. FF gave me a test date of tomorrow. I have been having bouts of nausea...and it sucks. I have also been having some faint cramping. Nothing too bad, but still..... I am nervous for tomorrow. I know how down I will end up being all day if AF decides to come visit tomorrow. Have I mentioned I hate waiting!!

But that is all there is time for.......WAITING!

Getting a little anxious!

2007-07-15T10:42:00.000-05:00

I am really getting anxious. My chart for TTC is looking really good. But I am nervous that it will all come crashing down here in a day or two (possibly even today!) Each month that I have AF come, just tears me up. I remember with Carli it took us 3 months of actual trying. That is the point we are at now. It drove me nuts then too, but this time around it all seems so different. Maybe it is because I now know that there is always the real possibility of not bringing home a baby. I dont know....I just am ready for it to happen!!! I have little signs that I never realized that happen each month. I always seem to get really irritable right before I start...and all though this seems to be TMI, I always seem to be a little gassy too. I went back and looked at my last months chart....and I show that I was irritable the same day of my cycle last month that I was this month....7 DPO. Damn!!! With the gassy part though, I am a little farther behind on it...but now that I know it happens, I hate it!!! And I know that Fertility Friend tells you to wait until the test date...but I got a + HPT with Carli at 9 DPO. Therefore...I usually start testing that day. Just once a day, with first morning urine. So far, yesterday and todays test have both been negative....such a bummer. Oh well....just gotta keep going with my saying...."What happens.....happens!!"

I thought of another little quirky thing. I was thinking of my kids due dates....Mikaela was due Aug 4th, Carter was due June 27th, Keaton was due May 4th, and Carli was due April 4th. Projected due date if this is the cycle is March 27th. I just thought that was interesting...crazy huh?

On a good note...I get to go scrapping again today!! Chelsea, one of my brother's, Dustin, girlfriend and I went for about an hour and a half on Friday. Just enough to make us crave more. So we are heading back to our favorite little scrapbooking store, Scrappers, today. The last time we actually scrapped was March 2006. We went on a little weekend excursion. Little did we know that it was a really religious scrapbook event. I usually need music to help keep me motivated. Well, the played music alright...but it was churchy music. Really, I dont have a problem with that...but I really wasnt expecting that. Needless to say...it sucked the motivation out of both of us! I did get a few pages done...but not nearly enough to justify a 3 day weekend away scrappin. Chelsea and I got our first tattoos down in Wichita thou!! Those did make for a really cool 2 page layout!! We have been talking for a while about going scrapping again. Here 16 months later...we are finally doing it!! I am really hoping to get motivated again!! I have a ton of Carli's pictures to scrap, but seem to be at a loss as what to do with all of them....Maybe I will just make some cards to get me going!!

Went to the cemetary today

2007-07-14T11:17:00.001-05:00

Just went to the cemetery again to check and see if Carli's bench had made it yet. No real big surprise I guess that it still wasnt there. But I was rather excited to see a butterfly visiting her bush!! It was a really pretty black butterfly with orange circles on it. I loved watching it!! I am hoping the next time I go out there, that there will be another butterfly. I am going to see if I can take a picture of it!!

I learned also that it really does pay to not be a bitch when calling the phone company to complain. I ended up being on my cell phone for 45 minutes with the lady at the phone company. We got a letter telling us that our bank returned our payment to them. I called my bank on Thursday to ask if they showed where it had been run thru and sent back. They saw no such record. They told me there was more than enough in the account the day the payment was made. So, Thursday morning I called the phone company. The lady told me she was going to have to do some checking and call me back. No problem.

Fast forward to yesterday morning. My MIL called my cell phone and asked me what was wrong with the home phone. I asked her why? She said it was disconnected. I was not very happy at all. So, I take my mom up to her dentist appt, and decided I might as well call and see what was going on. I told the lady that my phone had been disconnected and that I was calling to check on it. I told her all about my previous phone call the day before. I told her we really didnt want to have to pay the $25 return check charge, since it hadnt even been sent to our bank. She said well, I could have a bank officer fax them a letter telling them that, and that I might be able to get it reversed. I said ok that I would do that, but you could tell I wasnt very happy. Then I asked her if we were going to have to pay the $25 for the reconnect fee. She said yes that we would have to. I explained to her that I hadnt paid it the day before cuz I was waiting for the lady to call me back with what she found out. She said there was no noting in the file that the other lady was going to call me back. I politely asked if there was anyone that I could talk to about getting that charge reversed. She said no, that we would have to pay it. So, I tell her ok....well, either way I need to pay my bill to get my phone back on. She informs me I cant pay by check, but would have to pay by debit card or credit card. I laughed...said fine, I would pay by debit card, but that it came from the SAME account that the online check came from. She laughed and said that I knew that and she knew that...she gets the payment processing and then ask me what kind of program we have on our computer. I told her, well, when I made the payment I had Windows XP, but now I have Vista. She was asking me how I liked it...yada yada. Then we start talking about internet service. She has DSL thru Embarq (the phone company) and I told her that we were thinking about getting that and getting rid of our cable Internet.

She asked me for the number to my bank, and asked me if I minded if she called my bank officer to inquire about whether the charge had gone thru my bank. I gave her the number and she got back on the line and told me that she was going to get the $25 charge for return check credited to my account. We kept talking, and she heard Mikaela in the background. She asked me how old my little ones were. I told her how old all of them were, including Carli. I ended up telling her all about Carli's story. She cried. She told me that she had lost a baby at 6 months gestation, about 41 years ago. It was a really amazing conversation!!

We ended up going ahead and getting us signed up for the DSL. She told me that she was going to make sure that our account was credited the $25 reconnect fee too!! And that there is a $15 connect fee for the service, and a $14.95 shipping and handling charge for the modem that they would send us. But, she gave us a $30 credit for that!

I was so excited!! Here at the beginning of the call I was thinking, Maybe I should really push to get my thoughts across....and instead, I remained my nice, calm self. And it paid off!! In the end, it ended up saving me $80.00!! So, I guess the moral of this story is being nice does pay off!!

Felt a little off last nite!

2007-07-14T08:56:00.000-05:00

I dont know if it was because it was just the boys and I here last nite or what. I was just watching tv, and all of the sudden felt really down. There are a number of things it could be. One is it could just be me feeling sad about Carli again, but I dont feel like that is it. I could just have been bummed since this is technically my first nite staying without Casey in this house. Or it could be a little hormonal deal. When I was pregnant with Mikaela, before I knew I was pregnant with her...I would lay in bed after Casey had fallen asleep, and just cry. I didnt know why...but I did. I later found out it was the hormones that i didnt know were flowing thru me. I am really hoping that is the case for me.

If that is what it is....I feel a little bitter sweet about it. Our due date would be March 27, 2008. Our little Carli was born and became an angel on March 20, 2007. I have mixed emotions. I decided that I wasnt going to avoid this month...cuz I do still believe what happens....happens.

On a weird side note...I have always kinda laughed at this...but so far it has held true, with the exception of Casey! Mikaela and I were born in 1997 and 1977, both odd years. Carter and Keaton were born in 2002 and 2004, both even years. Then we had Carli in 2007, odd year. So, if we do conceive, I think the next one will be a boy, since the year of birth will be 2008. I have to be honest though...I really want my theory to be off....cuz i would really love to have another baby girl! Casey throws it all off thou.....he was born in 1975. Oh well, I really cant wait to test the theory. I do have to admit though, this child may not even be conceived yet, but I already have a strong feeling it will be a boy!!

Casey and Mikaela took Jordan, our nephew, to the airport today. Since his flight was so early, the went up last nite with my MIL and stayed at a hotel. I know Mikaela is going to be super sad today. Jordan used to live here, but has since moved with Casey's sister to AZ. Jordan is only 6 months older than Mikaela...and they are usually pretty close. I am bummed for her today.

Well, I have to go get Carter ready for a birthday party he is going to today. A fun filled day at the pool and then a sleepover. I hope he stays. I will update that later!!

Just a small change in the look...

2007-07-13T08:35:00.000-05:00

Not too much of a change, but I felt I needed something different. I really need to see if I can learn how to change it up a bit more. I figured maybe if I change it up, then it would motivate me to post something.

Not too much has been going on! We had Carter's birthday party...which turned out really good. I will have to get motivated to get some pics of it up!! Mikaela's team got 3rd in the tournament. We got beat out by Yates Center, 10 to 2 I think it was. I really think the girls already had it in their head that they were gonna lose!! Which is really sad...cuz they are a good bunch of girls!!

Last Saturday after I got off work at 2pm, we went to Worlds of Fun/Oceans of Fun! My aunt had tickets thru her work. The kids only got to go to OOF for about 30-45 mins...but I think we might have to make another trip up there soon!! The boys had so much fun!! This time I got to ride 2 rides!! Spinning Dragons, and the Patriot!! I rode them both with Mikaela...and really enjoyed it!!

Casey sent me a text message about taking the month layoff that they offer at work. I think I am going to let him do it. He gets 80% of his pay. I wish I could do something like that with my work. I just get so burned out sometimes. I love my job, but I am having a hard time there right now.

My poor lilac bush that our banker gave us after Carli passed, has passed too!! I dont know if it was too much rain that we got that killed it or what! I am not a good gardner!! It looks really bad all dead and brown in the corner of my yard!! Oh well...what can I do?

But on the other hand, the butterfly bushes and plants that are out at Carli's site look great!!! The plant I think it is, has really beautiful purple blooms on it!! Now if only we could see Carli's bench out there with it all!! I am really upset that it isnt there yet!! I would have rather him have told me that it would take longer rather than shorter. He told me 2 months...and it has been more than 2 months. I go out there almost every day to see if it is there. I guess it wont really make much difference when it comes thou. It wont bring my Carli back, but I guess I am really looking forward to people seeing her bench. Crazy huh?

I really should go clean my house. But it is my day off, and that just doesnt sound like any fun! I am going to try to talk Casey into letting me go scrapping tonite at my favorite scrap store. I havent gone scrapping since March 2006. Pretty sad huh? I really need to do some pages on Carli. But I seem to kinda be at a lose of what to do with her pages. I am hoping the inspiration comes to me when I get to the store, if I get to go!!

I guess I close this out with telling you that I wrote a message to Carli in the sand at the beach the other day. It said, We miss you Carli! We heart you!!

And that is so true Carli, we miss you and love you and not a day goes by that I dont think of you!!

Well....the tourney is over!

2007-07-04T10:47:00.000-05:00

And we lost!! Yates Center beat us 10-1. I think the girls had it in there head that they were gonna lose! We had the bats swinging!! But all the hits were going right back to the pitcher!! And the pitcher and first baseman were a good combo!! I dont think the first baseman dropped one ball!! Whereas, our first baseman did! Poor girl...she was beating herself up!! And we had one mom that was being pissy. I guess some of the girls went swimming yesterday, and they dont recommend any swimming the day of a game....but I dont think that was the reason we lost!! It was a bummer, and I really wish Kaela's team could have beat Yates Center.

We did go up the hill and watched one of our other home teams beat Yates Center!!! That was really exciting. That was the next best thing...if we couldnt be #1, then we didnt want YC to be #1!

Mikaela's team rocked last nite!!

2007-07-03T08:01:00.000-05:00

As did Mikaela!! We played our make-up game last nite!! It was great!! We were tied 0 all thru 3 innings. Then the stinky Lebo team scored one run....score 1-0, them. Lebo beat the snot out of us in our regular season game, 11-2. It was not pretty!! But, I do think the crappy rain we had that day didnt help either. It was quite chilly and you could see some of our girls shivering!! Any way...back to the game from last nite! Mikalea's first at bat, she whopped the ball hard, nice hit, but it went right to the 2nd baseman who was in the right place!! Damn!! Great hit thou!! She had some awesome plays...including a backhand stop. A great throw to first that was a little high, and our first baseman didnt catch. Another play where she stopped the ball, but it got a little away from her. But she went after it, slipped in some mud and landed on her butt...but still managed to toss a good toss to the 3rd baseman...but the runner was just a little quicker!! We go to bat at the top of the 5th, with Mikaela being first batter! I honestly cant remember where exactly she hit the ball...but it was a good hit and she got a single!! That was the start to a great inning! We scored 6 runs!! All starting with Kaela's hit!! She even ended up back up to bat...but we had scored our 6 run limit for the inning!! Lebo comes up to bat in the bottom of the 5th. Time has expired at this time....so if they dont score more than 6 runs, we win! Payton pitched really good!! She was on fire! If only you could see this girl. She is a petite girl...but an awesome ball player!! We had one of the Lebo girls that hit the ball straight at Kaela's but it went thru her legs, into the outfield. That girl ended up with a homerun...but it was illegal!! Her own team pointed out that she hadnt touched 2nd base. But we only had one official behind the plate. So it didnt get called!! But that didnt matter!! We WON!!! 6-2!! It was great!! The girls were so pumped!! I hope it continues to tonites game. I think we play Yates Center, who is an awesome team!! They stomped us 13-0 when we played them regular season. I am hoping we can avenge that game too!! I believe if we win that game, we go on to play another game tonite for championship!! That will mean for some tired girls!!

We have headed out to the cemetary quite a few times to see if Carli's bench has made it in. It isnt out there yet! I am really hoping it will make it today. We shall see!! I am so excited to see it! I hope it turns out as good as it is in my head!! As soon as it is out there, I will try to get a picture!!

Keep your fingers crossed!! It looks like the sky is clouding up!! Damn!! Stay away rain!!!!

July 1st

2007-07-01T09:29:00.000-05:00

Well, the good news is that it isnt raining at the moment. But it is still dreary and overcast. I guess the one good thing about all the rain is that at least we wont have to worry about the grass catching on fire from the fireworks!!

Speaking of fireworks...I am really bummed about a few things. #1 is that I should be worrying about how Carli would react to them. But I dont have that to worry about. The other thing is that the 4th is on a Wednesday this year. That really sucks!! Casey is usually in bed by 8 or 8:30pm since he has to get up at 3:15am. I guess we might have to do our fireworks tonite so he can enjoy them too.

We had a middle school girl come and watch the boys for a little over an hour last nite. It was suppose to be 1 & 1/2 hours. She is Mikaela's best friends sister. All in all I think it went really well. She said she would come and watch them again sometime.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do today. I of course dont want to stay home. Imagine that!! I know the kids are going to want to do fireworks. Keaton has already mentioned it to me!! *LOL*

Last nite, Casey and I were laying down in our room, and Keaton came down looking so sweet dragging Carli's little purple blanket. He wanted to sleep with us because of the big bad wolves. He told us that they couldnt get him in our room, and then proceeded to lock our bedroom door to keep them out!! It was pretty darn cute!! Then he is climbing on the bed, and Casey told him there was one right there....poor guy freaked out and started crying. Bad bad daddy!! But it sure was funny!! Keaton has been cracking us up with some of the things he says!!

Rain, and Rain, and even more Rain!!

2007-06-30T06:16:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned that it is still raining here? I wish it would quit already! Doesnt look like it is going to let up either!! It is all dark and gloomy! I hate it!! My rain gutters are overflowing, which is making loud noises outside my bedroom! My backyard is going to look like a swimming pool before long. The big ditch in my neighbors yard already looks like it!! Maybe I can take a picture of it too!! If I ever get my camera charged!! *LOL*

Not to mention, I slept like crap last nite!! I had my first very unsettling night of dreaming about dead babies. I cant say that was very nice at all!! Well, I guess it wasnt all nite, because I was up the other part! I even went ahead and took my temp at 6am rather than my usual 6:35am. Keaton was up at the crack of dawn too. Casey said he woke up at 4am and Keaton was up watching cartoons. At least he can do that. But then he started coming downstairs and talking to me. That is when I decided I would go ahead and get up!

What a sweet group of women!!

2007-06-29T21:18:00.001-05:00

I belong to a message board that I joined when I had Carter. I received a wonderful package from them today!! There was something in there for everyone!! The boys each received a coloring book and crayons, Mikaela received a beautiful necklace, I got a bracelet that has all 4 of my babies initials, with pink and blue butterflies. Well, here is a picture of it all!! There is a beautiful pink blanket with Carli's name and date of birth on it, a butterfly figurine with Carli's birthstone on it, a book entitled "We were gonna have an baby, but got an angel instead", a book called Empty Cradle, Broken heart, another book, An Empty Cradle, A full Heart. A personalized scrapbook with Carli's name on it, a personalized wind chime, and a little purple scrapbook with words of encouragement from them all!! Oh, and I cant forget the money order for $220! Words cannot explain how thankful I am to them all!!

Thank you my dear friend Kate!!

2007-06-29T21:15:00.000-05:00

You are quite possibly the sweetest woman alive!! Thank you so much for my beautiful necklace!!

Here is the 2nd update we had about Carli

2007-06-28T20:55:00.000-05:00

Carli Update #2 (February 26, 2007)
"We have had a rough week and a half or so. We went up to Kansas City to see the specialist up at KU Med on the 15th of February. We went in and he basically told us that there was a chromosome defect and that he recommended an amnio to verify it. I was fine with the amnio, decided that we needed to know exactly what was going on. At his U/S he said that he thought there was a hole in her heart, but that it was in an odd place, that her liver was rotated and that there was a cyst on it, that her kidneys were hooked together in a horseshoe shape, and that she has something called rocker bottom feet. He pretty much gave us absolutely NO hope!! I went in on Friday to see my regular dr after telling work that there was no way that I was going to be able to be there that day!
I went in and my dr said that basically this dr told him there was no hope either. The KU dr wanted me to be induced, which isn’t going to happen after 2 c-sections, and basically let her die. My home town dr, Dr. Sides and the specialist in Topeka, Dr. Evans, both felt that was a little crazy. They did a test called a fish test, which tested 5 of the chromosomes over night. Friday afternoon about 4pm they called and said that that test came back "surprisely normal". But we needed to wait for the full amnio results to come back before we knew anything certain. They told us that if we hadn’t heard from them by Thursday to give them a call. Well I called Thursday afternoon, got the machine, left a message. Called Friday, same thing. Called this morning, same thing!! I had a follow up appt with Dr. Evans in Topeka today.
Today was a relief!!! They told us that this dr in KC had grown at least 100 pairs of chromosomes to test. They ALL came back NORMAL!!! I guess in most cases they only test 12-40. Dr. Evans felt so bad for how this all went down, even though it isn’t his fault!! I expected this dr to be blunt, which he was, but he could have had a little tact too!! He called me last Monday to make sure that I had gotten the results to the FISH test, which I told him I had. He then asked if I had any questions. I told him I had one....did she have any lung growth at all. His response was...."Yes, but that’s not a concern anymore!!" All I wanted was a yes or no answer!!!
Dr. Evans did another u/s today and didn’t see anything that the KC dr had. He was surprised when he was told about all that the other dr had seen. We are still going to have to deal with the CDH diagnosis, but we don’t have the chromosome issues to deal with now. We are running pretty close here...down to the wire. We are 3 weeks from when my c-section was originally planned for. We have some quick decisions that have to be made about where we will deliver and such. I have more hope now than I did about a week and a half ago. I know we still have a battle ahead of us, but at least it is a little more positive. On the positive side....we got to see her practice her breathing, which is a very good sign considering the CDH diagnosis. There is not any extra amnio fluid, which is common with CDH babies. The tech told us that there is pretty good lung growth on the left side, which is where the stomach is coming up thru the diaphragm. She is weighing in right where she should be for this age...estimated to be 5lbs 11 oz at this point. And the amnio did reveal that she is for sure a Carli Mae!!
I will be having a non stress test done at least once a week, and next week we will have another u/s to make sure that everything still looks ok with growth and the amnio fluid. We are seeing about setting up an appt with the Children’s hospital in KC for the end of this week.
We would appreciate it if you all would keep us in your thoughts and prayers still!! We still have a rough road ahead, but at least I am being able to see the positive side now!"

Here is the first update that I sent everyone

2007-06-28T20:53:00.000-05:00

Here is the first update that I sent everyone when we found out more about Carli. I am too lazy to type out a big long description.

Carli Update #1 (approx Jan. 26, 2007)
"There are many of you out there that I told we would update you when we found anything out regarding Carli's condition. I figured since there are so many that I am suppose to tell, so I decided to just make one message that I can share with everyone. We went to Topeka yesterday and spoke with the specialist. He said that Carli does have CDH, and that there is some of her stomach and some of her bowel in her chest cavity. I will not be delivering in Topeka either, since it is out of their scope. Sounds like it will be Kansas City, and I will deliver at either KU Med Center or St. Luke's, and then Carli will be transported to Children's Mercy Hospital. The specialist told us that Carli will more than likely have to be on ECMO, which is where they have her lay on her left side of her head, and insert 2 tubes into her neck that will help oxygenate her blood for her, so that her left lung can hopefully grow some while it rest. To be honest that was really the one thing that I was really hoping she wouldn't have to have. I guess there really isn’t too many places that do ECMO, and that children's mercy is one of the top 4! That makes me feel about this () much better. Carli will be intubated right after birth, which i am really sad about. I am having a really hard time with all of this info. There is so much that I need to get done, and I don’t know that I will get it all done before I have to go deliver her. Before this diagnosis, i was counting down the days...couldn’t wait for my c-section date. Now, I am finding that I don’t want each day to move, because that is when Carli is really going to have to start fighting. I will be honest with you all and tell you that I am terrified. I am going to try to be as optimistic as possible, but I know that I need to prepare myself for both scenarios. So far, Carli seems to be a stubborn little girl!! At our first ultrasound (u/s), she had her face facing inside my body, rather than out, so that they couldn’t get a good picture. Then yesterday, she was really comfortable with her arm right up above her face. And she wouldn’t move it!! They estimated her weighing in at 3 lbs 11 oz yesterday. She is doing really well with everything else!! Her heart rate was great...at 124bpm. They told us that they think she has hair!! I am suppose to go see my regular dr again next week, then go back to see the specialist in 4 weeks, which is when we are suppose to let him know where we would like to try to deliver her. We also have an appt on Feb.16th to meet the group of drs that will be working with Carli at Children’s Mercy. I have so much going thru my head right now. There is so much to worry about. I worry about my other kiddos. I know that I am going to want to be in KC as much as possible, but know that I can’t neglect them either. Then of course there is financially, and work. The list goes on and on!! This so was not the way it was all suppose to go!! We had everything planned down to when the c-section was going to happen. Well, I suppose I should end this for now. Please, if you believe in prayers, please say one or two for Carli and our family. If you don’t believe in prayers, will you at least keep us in your thoughts. I know we will need them all!!"

Updating...

2007-06-28T20:34:00.000-05:00

Mikaela's coach called...he still doesnt know when we are playing. The crappy little town that she was suppose to have her game in, got more rain than us. And their field sucks!! So he asked me if we were busy Saturday..couldnt think of anything going on. Then he asked about Monday and Tuesday. Other than work we should be good to go!! So now we just sit and wait to see when the game is gonna be!!

It is still raining and crappy here. I can handle a day or two with rain, but after that...bring me some sun!!! This weather kills me mentally! I told my mom that on our way to the sitter this morning, we were listening to a song. All of the the sudden one of the waves (I will explain in a moment) hit me hard!! Just out of the blue...I remembered Casey and I's ride home from KU Med and what that horrible dr, Dr. Weiner, said. How he gave us now hope what so ever!! And told us to plan a funeral!! What was he thinking? I think I will post a copy of the two emails that I sent some family about Carli's situation, so that if I actually get anyone new that reads this, they will know what is going on!

Ok, about the wave...my wonderful dr in Topeka came in the night that we lost Carli while I was giving her a bath. I remember him coming in...but dont remember a damn thing he said. Imagine that!! But my mom told me what he had said. He said that going thru life and dealing with this will be like walking on a beach. There will always be the small little laps of water hitting our feet and ankles...and then BOOM, all of a sudden there will be this big wave that just hits us. That is how I have felt too!! Exactly like that! It has been one of the things said that makes sense. Have I said that I love my dr, Dr. E from Topeka. He is wonderful!! We will be going back to see him in 2 or 3 months. He said he would like to see me and Casey just to see how we are doing. And I really dont think it is just for the $$ either. He is a great dr!! So is my dr here...Dr. S.!! I love him too!! I keep hoping that when we go to see Dr. E, we will be pregnant with our next little baby.

I got my ovulation predictor kit today. It says to start using it on cycle day 11. That will be Sunday. I also ordered some Lydia Pinkham. It is basically just an herbal pill. My mom said her best friend and her sister both got pregnant using it. We shall see! That seems to be all that I am talking about! Getting pregnant!

The house is looking great!! Well, mainly the basement is. We have basically redone the whole downstairs. Except for the laundry room. But it did get a new Cabrio washer and dryer. All except some of the trim is up. We also have the fence up in the backyard!! Yeah!! Now we can keep the kids locked up in the back yard!! Once again, I will have to try to take some pictures.

I have the day off tomorrow. Dont know what I am going to do thou. I think it is suppose to rain, so I cant really take the kids to the pool. Guess I could always clean my house!! But...yuck that doesnt sound like anything I should do on my day off!!

And I am going to admit here that Carter's Skittles are right here next to me at the computer. I keep eating the damn things, even though they are so damn sweet!! Where is the hand to smack mine when I keep getting into them???

Rain Rain Go Away!

2007-06-27T20:23:00.000-05:00

Ok...we probably do need the rain...but did it have to rain today? Mikaela was suppose to have a ball game tonite. The first nite of her tournament! We were all kinda bummed thou, cuz she has to play a really good team that only lost one game!! Yikes!! Oh well...guess it has been delayed for now! I was bummed too because she was suppose to go on a cool field trip today with the Rec Center to a place called Marble Madness. But I told her she needed to stay home instead since they werent due to be back until 4:30 and she was probably going to have to head out right around that time. They never schedule stuff on Wednesdays...it is suppose to be family nite with church and the such! So, we not only didnt have a ball game, but she also didnt get to go on her field trip.

On a good note about Mikaela and softball....she was so hyped! Last Thursday at her last regular season game...she got to pitch!! She has only been wanting to do it all season!! And she did really good!! I dont think she had one crazy pitch! Way to go Mikaela.

We had Carter's 5th birthday party this weekend! It went really well....we had some of his friends from his preschool class there, along with one of the kids from the sitters, and our neighbor's little girl. There were tons of kids here it seemed! He had a TMNT party! The pinata went over really well as usual. It was great!!

The only bad part about Carter's party was when I lost it and ended up going into Carter's room and cried. The kids were all so anxious to get started with the pinata, and my neighbor started recording it on the video camera. After the pinata, we came inside and had Carter open his presents! That is when it hit me...I dont think I fast forwarded it to the end. I went up to Carter's room and checked the tape. I had the most sickening feeling in my stomach!! I HADNT fast forwarded it!! And that was the tape that we had taped Carli with! I have been beating myself up for days now. I am so pissed off at myself!! What was I thinking having that tape in there!! I know there is nothing that can be done now...other than trying to get over it!

On the TTC front...I ordered some ovulation predictor kits. They should be in my order tomorrow at work. I also ordered some Lydia Pinkham herbal stuff. Dont know if it works or not, but I am gonna at least look at it. Next week on the 5th is when Fertility Friend says my ovulation is predicted for according to my cycles. Please let this be my cycle. I have mixed feelings about us concieving this cycle. If we go according to my period, my due date would be March 27, 2008. That is kinda hard to imagine that I would even attempt to try to have another baby at the same time frame. But, if it is meant to happen, then it will. I figure that is just a chance I am willing to take. My ideal time for a baby would be in May. As silly as it sounds, that way I could finish out my consecutive month of births...I have Carli in March, Keaton in April, no one in May..Carter in June, and Mikaela in July.

The Butterfly bush that we planted for Carli is doing great!! When the boys and I went out and watered it last nite, we saw the first bloom on it!! A pretty little purple flower!! I will have to take pictures to show!! We still dont have the bench out at Carli's site. Carter keeps asking me when will Carli's stone be there. I am really expecting it sometime this week...but it is suppose to rain all damn week. So, if it is raining he wont be able to come and place it! =( The Butterfly plants are looking pretty good!! There are 3 of them...one is really big and bushy, the second one is a little smaller, and the last one is still looking pretty wimpy. We have been teasing Keaton that that is his plant. It has been getting just a little more extra miracle grow than the others..well, maybe just a little more water!

Well, how is that for the mother of somewhat update? I will try to post more often. Should be a little easier since ball season is pretty much over!!

Happy 3 month Angelversary Carli!

2007-06-20T07:45:00.000-05:00

Today the sky kinda fits my mood! It is overcast...and so is my mood. Today my sweet Carli would have been 3 months old! I cant believe it has already been 3 months! I miss you Carli, and wish more than anything you were here. Life seems to be moving on...even if I dont want it to sometimes!

I got a bill in the mail for Carli's care at the hospital. Almost $21,000 for 12 hours and 20 mins. Of course it says check in date of March 20 and dismissal March 22. Maybe they think they can bill for the space that she took up. I dont know! I need to call the insurance company because they havent processed that bill! I was in shock! So I called the insurance (again) to make sure she was covered, and she is. So I need to call the hospital now! When I called insurance I also asked them about a $2750 bill I got from the Childrens Hospital. It was for the ambulance that was sent down to transport Carli back. So, I asked the lady from insurance, Josie, if that was covered. She said it should have been if she was admitted to the hospital. I told her the situation, that it came down to transport Carli, but she didnt make it, so therefore, she didnt need the ambulance. They lady said she was going to rebill for it! I sure hope they cover their part of it! I can see why they dont want to, but come on!! That is alot of money for an ambulance trip!!

Well, I just wanted to wish my sweet Angel a happy 3 month wish. And tell her that I miss her terribly!!!

It's Hump Day!

2007-06-13T08:10:00.000-05:00

Happy Hump Day!! Is it Friday yet?? Oh wait, even if it was Friday, I would still have to work Saturday!! Bluh!! And to top it off, it is gloomy!! Double Bluh!! I dont look forward to going to work today. Another day of wishing it away!! I hate feeling like this! I feel like I am in some kind of crazy limbo. Not really happy, but not really sad....just here. Maybe it is cuz we dont have anything planned for tonite...or it could be that I didnt really get to try to go to sleep until midnite, then Mikaela got home from the Royals game around 1am and woke me up. Yeah, maybe its just cuz I am a bit sleep deprived!

On the other hand, I am a little more happy today. I believe that I actually ovulated this month. I dont think it happened last month! Even though Fertility Friend hasnt shown when I O'd yet, I think it might have been Monday. So, I might possibly be in the 2 week wait!! They seem like torture sometimes....here's to hoping this is my cycle!!

This might be the solar light

2007-06-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

That we put out at Carli's site! I think this might be more appropiate...and kinda more along the lines I was thinking. We will have to see how bright it is!

Why do people say the things they do?

2007-06-12T21:52:00.000-05:00

I had one of my customers come into the pharmacy and ask me how I was. Then he asked me how my baby was. I then had to explain what had happened with Carli. I know he didnt mean it the way it came out, but he said, "Well, at least she didnt live that long." I of course kept my cool. But in my head I was screaming, "WHAT??? At least she didnt live that long????" I know what he meant, but come on! I really dont hold it against him. I sit there and look at her picture and the same question comes up. Why Carli? What did any of us do to deserve to not keep her with us? I feel like a broken record. And it kills me!! Sometimes I feel like I am just barely making it thru the day. It seems like when I get to work, I wish the day away cuz I dont want to be there. I feel like sometimes I have a front going on. I cant really let what I am feeling inside show on the outside. Then it all comes back to thinking about another baby. Which sometimes I feel guilty for wanting. I know in my heart that Carli understands my desire to have another baby so soon after her, but I still feel horrible.

I am glad that we have softball/t-ball to keep us busy this month! I dont know what I will do next month. I know something will pop up...I was reading Jana's blog and felt so sorry for her. I can only begin to imagine what it is like to have Carson with her, and be thinking of Drew. I have thought about what it will be like when we have another one. I know that I will be thinking of Carli thru all of the steps.

In our new house here, the playroom would have been Carli's bedroom. Right now it is a mess with some toys and other stuff that doesnt have a home yet in it. Mikaela had told me that Carter told her the other nite that they need to clean it up for the next baby. That made me smile..I think having another baby will help us ALL heal some. Carter even asked me if we have another sister what her name will be...cuz he doesnt want to name another baby Carli. I told him to not to worry about that!! I have thought of another middle name that I like to go with Mackenzie...that is, if Casey would even go for it!! Mackenzie Lanae....I dont know if he will go for it thou...he wasnt too fond of the name Kaia..so I can only imagine what he will say about Lanae!! *LOL*

There is a base!

2007-06-12T08:10:00.000-05:00

Casey and the boys and I had run up to get a few things out of town and Mikaela gave me a call. Her and Casey's mom had gone out to water Carli's plants and bush. She said that the concrete base that Carli's bench will be on is set up!! I am so excited!! That means it should hopefully be here soon!! I dont expect to come this week thou! Sounds like we are in for quite a bit of crappy rain!! Sunday before we headed out to watch TMNT, we went out to the cemetary and took Carli her butterfly windchime that we had gotten her, along with the little butterfly post thingie to hang it on!! I love it!! The chime is a light purple and has the softest little tinkling sound!! Very appropriate for my little girl!!

I had another talk with Carli about us having another baby. I told her how cool it would be if this was the month we conceived!! If that is the case, our due date would be February 29th!! Of course, the next baby wouldnt be born near that, but how cool would it be to at least be expected that day!! I am thinking that if it we do get to have another one that it will be a boy. Even though, I really would love to have another little girl!! My mom had me, then 2 boys, a miscarriage, that she thinks was a girl, then went on to have 2 more boys! So far, I have had Mikalea, my daughter, then Carter and Keaton, my 2 boys, then my angel Carli. So, if fate has its way, the next one will be a boy!! *LOL* Also, with my mom, me and her were born in odd years, so have Mikaela and Carli, and my brothers were all born in even years....like Carter and Keaton...so if we have a baby in 2008, it should be a boy to carry on tradition!! *LOL* Sometimes I think I think things thru too damn much!!

We have a win!!

2007-06-09T09:36:00.000-05:00

That is right!! We have a victory!! Mikaela's softball team won on Thursday nite!! Can I hear a Woohoo?? *LOL* They played really well....it kinda made you wonder when the first at bat ended with 3 strike outs!! But these girls came ready to play ball!! Mikaela had one strikeout and a single! She did really well, but kinda got an attitude when her coach put her in centerfield!! Oh, and you could tell that she was NOT happy!! She had been playing 2nd base, and doing a really good job at it. Then, when her coach put her out in center, her whole demenor changed. Mikaela wouldnt get in the ready position until I hollered at her...such a site. Nothing like throwing a hissy fit during your game!! I still love her nonetheless!! Silly girl! She has practice today. It should be more uplifting than what we all originally thought. Coach told the girls that if they didnt start getting serious, he was going to have long practices that werent going to be any fun!! Maybe it wont be so bad now!! I have another thought I want to blog about, but I will have to do that later, after some much needed how cleaning!!!

2007-06-07T08:02:00.000-05:00

We went out to the cemetary last nite to take down some of the memorial flowers. I cant wait for Carli's bench to get out there. That way I can arrange the stuff we want out there around it. As crazy as it sounds, I am excited to see what her bench looks like. I know it is going to be a beautiful marker for such a beautiful little girl. Susie (my MIL) went out 2 weeks ago and planted some butterfly plants, and a bush. The bush she planted between my grandma and Carli. I am hoping it will look ok there. The bush has really started growing..I am pretty excited for that too!! Now if we could just get the ones planted here at the house!

We were at Mikaela's softball game on Tuesday nite, and Keaton was playing with a couple of little toddlers. As he was playing with one of them, he told their Aunt, "I have a baby sister. I play with her like this." The lady just kinda looked around and didnt see a baby with me or my mom. Mom heard Keaton say that, and went over and explained to her where Keaton's baby sister was. It is weird how their little minds think. On Sunday nite Keaton made a comment about his baby sister needing shots...I was thinking..where did that come from?? Then is dawned on me that Emma, our dog, had just gotten some shots! I am so glad that he remembers Carli, and I hope that he never forgets. I dont think it will be possible for him to forget, since we have our curio cabinet that has a big 8x10 picture of Carli in it along with all the statues/trinkets that we have recieved for her.

I was wandering around last nite looking at some memorial sites on the good old internet and came across a place called Portraits by Dana...I think that is where Kate had some pictures done of her boys. I absolutely love how Alex and Travis' pictures look. I think I have one of Carli that I would like to have her do. I just wish that in the picture of I have of her that I want done, that she didnt have her little hat on. It is quite pricey, but I think it would be worth it to have a big one, and then one of the smaller ones that I can have at work along with my picture of her with her eyes open. I just need to see what Casey thinks of it.

When we were out at the cemetary driving thru on Tuesday nite, I saw a nite lite, or I guess the appropiate word is solar lamp, that I really like! One of my other friends here in town, that was due about the same time as me, had her little boy at 20 weeks, stillborn. This really pretty solar lamp in the shape of an Angel was out at his site, and it was SO bright. I love it!! I sent her a message asking her if she cared if I got one for Carli's site too. See above pic! I am sure hoping she wont mind. I found one on ebay that is about $10 cheaper than anywhere else I have seen!!

3 losses in a row!!

2007-06-06T08:18:00.000-05:00

This is will be short, since I have to get to work. Mikaela's softball team has lost the last 3 games they played. Mind you, they have all been within the last 24 hours. Their very first game ended in a tie, since we all had work/school the next day. Monday nite, Mikaela had a double header, game at 6:30 and again at 8. They lost the first one 5-3, and the second one 10-0! The 2nd team they played Monday was good...so was the team last nite!! They lost last nite 13-0!! I am so upset!! Mikaela had really good plays and got hits...so I cant be upset with her! We have a really young team, so I know that doesnt help...but some of the mistakes they made last nite were stupid ones!! Oh well!! Hopefully we will fair better Thursday nite!!!

Some days it is so hard

2007-06-03T23:10:00.000-05:00

The past few days have been really really hard. I feel like I had been doing ok for awhile. Then these past few days, just thinking of Carli brings almost uncontrolable tears that threaten to break the dam. I just think back to the very beginning of my pregnancy with her, back to before I even knew I was pregnant. Casey and I had gone on a motorcycle ride to a lake that is about 20 minutes or so away from here. As we were riding along, I saw this beautiful double rainbow. It hadnt rained recently, so I was extremely shocked to see such a sight. I just seemed to stare at it in amazement!! It was at that moment that I knew after 3 months of trying to conceive, that this was THE cycle. Sure enough....right before I was expecting to start, I tested. And I got my positive!! It just seemed that everything was going along so well!! I was going to have my last baby by the time I was 30, which happened February 7th. I was having the baby girl that I wanted. It just all seemed to be perfect!! There are so many things that made me feel like that...too many to list.

I was at Mikaela's softball game the other nite, waiting to find out if it was going to be cancelled or not..and it hit me! I should have a 2 month old to be loving and playing with, one to keep us entertained! It bothered me yesterday too at Worlds of Fun...I saw all these cute little babies...and it made me upset that I wasnt having to lug around that big stroller while chasing Carter and Keaton. I really think that weighed me down yesterday. I really enjoyed watching the boys have fun...but I had to hold back my tears a few times yesterday. It sucks so much!! I am hoping that this cycle will be the one for this next baby! Come on Angel Carli!! Help Mommy with that magic!!

Just another day!

2007-05-31T20:27:00.000-05:00

Well, today seemed kinda crappy. I woke up with another dream/nightmare that seemed to carry with me all day! Nothing to do with Carli this time..but a co-worker. We had a relief pharmacist working with me today. Sometimes I have more stress when I work with a reliefer..today was one of those days. I just have been kinda off anyhow. Dont know if it is because I am waiting to get to a more fertile day or what.

I really hope that it doesnt take very long to get pregnant this time. It took Casey and I 3 months of trying with Carli. We have only officially been trying for one month. I am really hoping that Carli will listen to me and not Grandma when it comes to helping me with her angel powers about sending another baby our way. My mom told Carli to wait a couple of months...where as I am ready now. I am way past ready! And it has only been 2 months since having Carli.

Dustin's girlfriend Chelsea told me that her Grandma had a dream about me around the time of Carli's funeral. She said her dreams usually come true and that she dreamed that I did get pregnant again and that I was pregnant with twin girls!! I laughed and told Casey that I have them named already!! I love the names Kaia Marie and Mackenzie Lyn or Layne...havent really decided which middle name I like better. I suppose if it turns out to be just one baby girl, I think I like Mackenzie better than Kaia...but it is pretty close. And of course, if it is a baby boy...he will have the name that we were going to use for Carli....Cade Ryan.

Carter had his first real t-ball game tonite! And he did awesome! He was at the pitchers mound the first inning. That boy did great!! He stopped the ball and made really good throws to first for the most part.! There were only about 3 of the kids that actually moved when the other team hit the ball. The next inning Carter played second base! He would take off after the ball though!! And the last inning he got to play catcher! He was so cute sitting back there in the catchers position. And man can that boy hit the ball!! He was so intent on the whole game. He did great though! I am very proud of him!! I am hoping to figure out how to post pics here...not that anyone reads this...but just in case someone ever does!!

Mikaela has a ball game tomorrow nite and then on Saturday we are going to Worlds of Fun!! I am looking forward to it! Even if I will end up stuck in Camp Snoopy!! I will try to make sure to post about Mikaela's game if it isnt too late when we get home!! It is amazing how therapeutic just typing your thoughts into the computer can be!! I feel alot better than I did earlier!!

Oh, and my dear friend Kate, you are more than welcome to add my link!! If I can ever figure it out, I would like to add yours to mine!! I think I might ask Jana if I can add her too! Do you think she would mind??

The start of blogging...

2007-05-30T21:47:00.000-05:00

Well, here it goes! I figure that I read some of my friends blogs...maybe I should start one for myself! I am not as great with words as some people, but I guess this is just a way for me to get my thoughts out there daily...if I want to. I have been having alot of emotions going on here within the past few months. I lost a beautiful daughter, Carli, due to CDH. I guess more than anything this is my way of taking it day by day in trying to get to that place where they say it wont hurt as much. I know I have a long way to go! I have 3 other gorgeous kids to keep me busy! I am sure that I will fill this blog with tons of stuff on them, and of course my occassional ramblings about what is going on in my head in regards to missing Carli, and the concept of trying to have another little one!

I had my first really strange dream about Carli last nite. Not really too much to say about it. All I can really explain to others is that I was in some auditorium, and there were all of these other couples that were being called up to come get their precious little babies. And I knew that I wasn't going to be getting my Carli. And it hurt so damn much! The past couple of days have been really rough for me. I got my bill from the hospital that we delivered at, and it made me sad! A damn bill made me sad! I guess it isnt really the bill, but the fact of what the bill stood for. The bill that I have to pay for having a baby that doesn't get to come home with me! I guess it makes me angry too! I hate feeling angry!

I keep wondering why it happened to us. I mean, look at all those women out there who don't want the child they were pregnant with! We wanted ours!! We wanted to bring Carli home with us!! I really do think that there is some reason for Carli to be here for such a short time frame. I don't know what it is..and probably never will! I keep wondering if we should try our chances and really try for another one. My dr who delivered Carli told me that I can't let it end this way. That I need a happy ending. I really believe that is what I need too! I just sometimes feel like I am some how taking away from Carli by wanting to have another baby so soon after losing her. I miss her so damn much!

I think I might like this blogging thing. It might end up being me just complaining over and over about the unfairness of losing Carli, but at least I can get it out without bringing other people down here in my real life!!