I had one of my customers come into the pharmacy and ask me how I was. Then he asked me how my baby was. I then had to explain what had happened with Carli. I know he didnt mean it the way it came out, but he said, "Well, at least she didnt live that long." I of course kept my cool. But in my head I was screaming, "WHAT??? At least she didnt live that long????" I know what he meant, but come on! I really dont hold it against him. I sit there and look at her picture and the same question comes up. Why Carli? What did any of us do to deserve to not keep her with us? I feel like a broken record. And it kills me!! Sometimes I feel like I am just barely making it thru the day. It seems like when I get to work, I wish the day away cuz I dont want to be there. I feel like sometimes I have a front going on. I cant really let what I am feeling inside show on the outside. Then it all comes back to thinking about another baby. Which sometimes I feel guilty for wanting. I know in my heart that Carli understands my desire to have another baby so soon after her, but I still feel horrible.
I am glad that we have softball/t-ball to keep us busy this month! I dont know what I will do next month. I know something will pop up...I was reading Jana's blog and felt so sorry for her. I can only begin to imagine what it is like to have Carson with her, and be thinking of Drew. I have thought about what it will be like when we have another one. I know that I will be thinking of Carli thru all of the steps.
In our new house here, the playroom would have been Carli's bedroom. Right now it is a mess with some toys and other stuff that doesnt have a home yet in it. Mikaela had told me that Carter told her the other nite that they need to clean it up for the next baby. That made me smile..I think having another baby will help us ALL heal some. Carter even asked me if we have another sister what her name will be...cuz he doesnt want to name another baby Carli. I told him to not to worry about that!! I have thought of another middle name that I like to go with Mackenzie...that is, if Casey would even go for it!! Mackenzie Lanae....I dont know if he will go for it thou...he wasnt too fond of the name Kaia..so I can only imagine what he will say about Lanae!! *LOL*
That is right!! We have a victory!! Mikaela's softball team won on Thursday nite!! Can I hear a Woohoo?? *LOL* They played really well....it kinda made you wonder when the first at bat ended with 3 strike outs!! But these girls came ready to play ball!! Mikaela had one strikeout and a single! She did really well, but kinda got an attitude when her coach put her in centerfield!! Oh, and you could tell that she was NOT happy!! She had been playing 2nd base, and doing a really good job at it. Then, when her coach put her out in center, her whole demenor changed. Mikaela wouldnt get in the ready position until I hollered at her...such a site. Nothing like throwing a hissy fit during your game!! I still love her nonetheless!! Silly girl! She has practice today. It should be more uplifting than what we all originally thought. Coach told the girls that if they didnt start getting serious, he was going to have long practices that werent going to be any fun!! Maybe it wont be so bad now!! I have another thought I want to blog about, but I will have to do that later, after some much needed how cleaning!!!
This is will be short, since I have to get to work. Mikaela's softball team has lost the last 3 games they played. Mind you, they have all been within the last 24 hours. Their very first game ended in a tie, since we all had work/school the next day. Monday nite, Mikaela had a double header, game at 6:30 and again at 8. They lost the first one 5-3, and the second one 10-0! The 2nd team they played Monday was good...so was the team last nite!! They lost last nite 13-0!! I am so upset!! Mikaela had really good plays and got hits...so I cant be upset with her! We have a really young team, so I know that doesnt help...but some of the mistakes they made last nite were stupid ones!! Oh well!! Hopefully we will fair better Thursday nite!!!
The past few days have been really really hard. I feel like I had been doing ok for awhile. Then these past few days, just thinking of Carli brings almost uncontrolable tears that threaten to break the dam. I just think back to the very beginning of my pregnancy with her, back to before I even knew I was pregnant. Casey and I had gone on a motorcycle ride to a lake that is about 20 minutes or so away from here. As we were riding along, I saw this beautiful double rainbow. It hadnt rained recently, so I was extremely shocked to see such a sight. I just seemed to stare at it in amazement!! It was at that moment that I knew after 3 months of trying to conceive, that this was THE cycle. Sure enough....right before I was expecting to start, I tested. And I got my positive!! It just seemed that everything was going along so well!! I was going to have my last baby by the time I was 30, which happened February 7th. I was having the baby girl that I wanted. It just all seemed to be perfect!! There are so many things that made me feel like that...too many to list.
I was at Mikaela's softball game the other nite, waiting to find out if it was going to be cancelled or not..and it hit me! I should have a 2 month old to be loving and playing with, one to keep us entertained! It bothered me yesterday too at Worlds of Fun...I saw all these cute little babies...and it made me upset that I wasnt having to lug around that big stroller while chasing Carter and Keaton. I really think that weighed me down yesterday. I really enjoyed watching the boys have fun...but I had to hold back my tears a few times yesterday. It sucks so much!! I am hoping that this cycle will be the one for this next baby! Come on Angel Carli!! Help Mommy with that magic!!