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Just another day!

Well, today seemed kinda crappy. I woke up with another dream/nightmare that seemed to carry with me all day! Nothing to do with Carli this time..but a co-worker. We had a relief pharmacist working with me today. Sometimes I have more stress when I work with a reliefer..today was one of those days. I just have been kinda off anyhow. Dont know if it is because I am waiting to get to a more fertile day or what.

I really hope that it doesnt take very long to get pregnant this time. It took Casey and I 3 months of trying with Carli. We have only officially been trying for one month. I am really hoping that Carli will listen to me and not Grandma when it comes to helping me with her angel powers about sending another baby our way. My mom told Carli to wait a couple of months...where as I am ready now. I am way past ready! And it has only been 2 months since having Carli.

Dustin's girlfriend Chelsea told me that her Grandma had a dream about me around the time of Carli's funeral. She said her dreams usually come true and that she dreamed that I did get pregnant again and that I was pregnant with twin girls!! I laughed and told Casey that I have them named already!! I love the names Kaia Marie and Mackenzie Lyn or Layne...havent really decided which middle name I like better. I suppose if it turns out to be just one baby girl, I think I like Mackenzie better than Kaia...but it is pretty close. And of course, if it is a baby boy...he will have the name that we were going to use for Carli....Cade Ryan.

Carter had his first real t-ball game tonite! And he did awesome! He was at the pitchers mound the first inning. That boy did great!! He stopped the ball and made really good throws to first for the most part.! There were only about 3 of the kids that actually moved when the other team hit the ball. The next inning Carter played second base! He would take off after the ball though!! And the last inning he got to play catcher! He was so cute sitting back there in the catchers position. And man can that boy hit the ball!! He was so intent on the whole game. He did great though! I am very proud of him!! I am hoping to figure out how to post pics here...not that anyone reads this...but just in case someone ever does!!

Mikaela has a ball game tomorrow nite and then on Saturday we are going to Worlds of Fun!! I am looking forward to it! Even if I will end up stuck in Camp Snoopy!! I will try to make sure to post about Mikaela's game if it isnt too late when we get home!! It is amazing how therapeutic just typing your thoughts into the computer can be!! I feel alot better than I did earlier!!

Oh, and my dear friend Kate, you are more than welcome to add my link!! If I can ever figure it out, I would like to add yours to mine!! I think I might ask Jana if I can add her too! Do you think she would mind??

Well, here it goes! I figure that I read some of my friends blogs...maybe I should start one for myself! I am not as great with words as some people, but I guess this is just a way for me to get my thoughts out there daily...if I want to. I have been having alot of emotions going on here within the past few months. I lost a beautiful daughter, Carli, due to CDH. I guess more than anything this is my way of taking it day by day in trying to get to that place where they say it wont hurt as much. I know I have a long way to go! I have 3 other gorgeous kids to keep me busy! I am sure that I will fill this blog with tons of stuff on them, and of course my occassional ramblings about what is going on in my head in regards to missing Carli, and the concept of trying to have another little one!

I had my first really strange dream about Carli last nite. Not really too much to say about it. All I can really explain to others is that I was in some auditorium, and there were all of these other couples that were being called up to come get their precious little babies. And I knew that I wasn't going to be getting my Carli. And it hurt so damn much! The past couple of days have been really rough for me. I got my bill from the hospital that we delivered at, and it made me sad! A damn bill made me sad! I guess it isnt really the bill, but the fact of what the bill stood for. The bill that I have to pay for having a baby that doesn't get to come home with me! I guess it makes me angry too! I hate feeling angry!

I keep wondering why it happened to us. I mean, look at all those women out there who don't want the child they were pregnant with! We wanted ours!! We wanted to bring Carli home with us!! I really do think that there is some reason for Carli to be here for such a short time frame. I don't know what it is..and probably never will! I keep wondering if we should try our chances and really try for another one. My dr who delivered Carli told me that I can't let it end this way. That I need a happy ending. I really believe that is what I need too! I just sometimes feel like I am some how taking away from Carli by wanting to have another baby so soon after losing her. I miss her so damn much!

I think I might like this blogging thing. It might end up being me just complaining over and over about the unfairness of losing Carli, but at least I can get it out without bringing other people down here in my real life!!

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