Just Taking It Day by Day

And now the big letdown feeling begins. Real positive huh? Sorry!! I think I am always a little bummed after Christmas is over. You know, the big build up...then the big letdown. We had a good Christmas despite the fact that I couldnt find the Target bag that had some of the stocking stuffers in it!! The kids had a blast like they always do!! Keaton cracked me up. Christmas Eve Casey and I had ran out of town and got a big tote to put one of Keaton's presents in. We told him it was for him, and he was so excited about an empty tote!!

I have decided to go ahead and post this, even though it wasnt really finished....just to have it there!! (01-14-08)

Here I am at 25 weeks! I have been really cranky this week. My poor family!! I think part of it has to do with the fact that we have had crappy weather all week!! The beginning of the week we had the wonderful ice...yuck!! And then we have had snow here the past few days. Needless to say, the sun hasnt been out much, and I am definately a person that needs sunlight daily!!

I just feel aggravated all the way around. I think I always get stressed this time of year. I always worry that my kids wont feel like they got all they should (which they have everything!!), and money always seems to be a big concern. I know, I know...that is a big concern for everyone!! It just seems that it is more of a concern at different times...with right now being one of those!!

Ahhhhhhh!! I just want to scream!! Am I whiny enough?

On a different note, I did something yesterday that I didnt do with Carli. I have taken all the blankets and onesies out of thier packages. I also decided that I wanted to wash the clothes we have. That is something I never did with Carli. All the clothes still had the tags on them. But they dont now!! I washed all of the onesies, and blankets, and the clothes yesterday. Well, all the 0-3 month ones. I really want to get going on her bedroom!! I want to set up the crib, and I want to get a bedding set. The one I want is $189, I dont know if Casey will let me get it, but it is beautiful!! When we get our tax return back I will be buying a new pack n play, which I am really looking forward to! I feel horrible wishing away my pregnancy!! But I am so ready for March!! I think I am more ready for my baby than I have ever been before, which kinda scares me!!

I really shouldnt be on here right now. My house needs picked up, and we have a ton of stuff to do. I just have no energy to do the stuff that I NEED to do. And I hate that!! I think that is part of my problem too this week. I feel guilty because I know I should be doing something productive, but instead I am sitting watching t.v. because it occupies my mind!!

Casey and I each have our gifts for Christmas. We have both played with them already. We got him one of those fancy remotes that does pretty much everything!! Not just any universal remote, one of the fancy ones!! It is great!! And I got one of those picture printers. Kinda amazing since Casey always thought they were crazy. But we got an HP one, and it is pretty good. The only size it does though is 4x6, which is ok. I figure with Mackenzie coming, I should be getting back into taking a ton of pics, and maybe even attempting to scrapbook them. I have really been bad about taking pictures ever since we found out about Carli's condition. I have slacked off so much. I need to get back into the groove!!

Yes, I can hardly believe it, but I am 24 weeks today!! Hopefully 14 weeks from tomorrow, we will be welcoming Mackenzie into our family!! I am feeling pretty good. I have been having some issues, sometimes when I eat or drink, I feel like it gets stuck down between my breast bone. I just thought it was a fluke, but then one night I had fallen asleep on the couch, and woke up to a coughing fit, and ended up throwing up black stuff. I called the dr the next Monday, and he told me he thinks it has something to do with my heartburn. I told him I didnt know if that was it or not, because I havent really been having as much trouble with it here lately. I havent had any more of the throwing up issues. But, the damn heartburn has been increasing...damn!! I was hoping this pregnancy I might miss out on the extreme version that I have had with all 4 of the others!!

I think I am going to go take the wonderful glucose test tomorrow morning. I guess it really isnt all that bad, I just hate waiting the hour....hope I pass this one, because I really dont want to do the 3 hour one!! Wish me luck!!

Sometimes the weirdest things will get to me. We were heading to the babysitter, and Keaton made an innocent enough comment. He informed me that there are alot of bones at the cemetary. Now, logically, I know this. But it just amazes me how I never really think of it that way. When we go out to see Carli, I dont even think about the fact that, if she isnt already, she will be bones. I always think of her in the way we saw her last. Same thing with my grandma and grandpa. Just one of those odd things, huh??

I went to Andrew's funeral today. I was extremely emotional. But, how could I not be? This is the first funeral I think I have been to since Carli died. It was definately a different kind of funeral. But, I suppose if you know Andrew's mom, Brenda, that shouldnt surprise you. The song they had the casket leave on was International Harvest. I dont think I have ever heard it before today, but it made you have a smile on your face, which is what his family was hoping for. I took some baked spaghetti and garlic bread out to the family yesterday. I am thinking they liked it, because when I told Ryan to holler if he needed anything, he told me I could bring more of that pasta stuff! They seem to be doing ok. Which I am very glad for. I still worry for them thou! This part is hard, but I hate knowing how it could possibly hit them here soon!!

I went and stopped to see Carli after going to there house yesterday. I didnt stay long since it was below freezing, but I wanted to see the tree and wreath that my mother in law put out there. They are pretty cute!! The little tree has a little santa hat on it that says "Tiny Elf" and the wreath I think has blueberries and some kind of red berry on it, and a really pretty bow that she made for it!! Maybe I can make it out there and try to get some pics of it in the daylight!! I really like that the ice/snow that we got yesterday didnt cover Carli's name or picture. The top of the bench protects it pretty well!

Seems like there was something else I wanted to blog about, but of course, I cant think of it!! Guess that can be the next post huh??

It is amazing how one thing can upset the whole day isnt it? We got to work and one of the girls said she thought she heard on the radio that one of our teenagers was killed the night before. None of us had heard anything like that, so we were hoping that maybe she misheard the name of the city. Turns out she did hear the right thing. One of our Senior class boys was killed Tuesday nite. I guess they were on their was back from a basketball game, and stopped at an off ramp to use the bathroom. Some how, the boy, named Andrew, didnt make it back in the car, and a car I guess came up behind and ran him over.

The whole town (since I live in a small town) is just upside down. The house that we bought, we bought from his grandpa, but we did the negoitations with his mom and dad. I absolutely love his mom!! Her name is Brenda, and she is just the sweetest thing. I remember when Mikaela was in the Sweet Six contest, she was up there adding money to Mikaela's box in hopes of helping her win...and she was wonderful with the news of Carli. And then when we found out we were expecting Mackenzie, she was supportive again.

My heart just breaks for her and her family. I think this is the first person that I know in my real life that has lost a child since I lost Carli. And it just makes you hurt all over again. Well, I guess the hurt was always there, but it brings it right back to the front burner.

So, if you could say an extra prayer for Brenda and her family, it would be appreciated. Andrew has an older brother, and a twin brother. His twin, Ryan, got hurt jumping out of the car to get to Andrew, and is in the hospital with a tear in his lung. So, it just keeps going. I know Brenda is being the rock right now, but I worry about her when she needs the rock!!!

Oh such good news!! My dear wonderful friend Kate has had Myles!! Here is a link to her blog, since I am illiterate and cant do it the cool way,(http://www.everythingisundercontrol.blogspot.com/). I am sure this is a day that seemed like it would never make it here for her! I am so, so happy for Kate. Words cannot describe how much love is being sent her way!!

Thanksgiving is behind us. We hosted it at our house for some of my family. It seemed to go pretty good. There is a story to go with it thou. We were sitting in the kitchen, and Casey had taken the turkey that was marinating in the brine out of the fridge. Mikaela came in the kitchen and reminded me that Tuesday would have been Carli's 8 month birthday. To which I replied that I had completely missed that. Casey decided to be sassy at that point and asked me if I had already forgotten about Carli. I know he was giving me a hard time, but that is NOT something to even tease about!! It really bothered me and I was just about ready to bust into tears....then Casey tried moving the turkey breasts to drain into the sink....and the damn bag burst all over ME!! Talk about shock!! It shocked the tears away!!

Which brings me to a whole other issue!! I think part of the reason that I missed Carli's 8 month birthday is the fact that we had an appt with the maternal-fetal specialist on Monday, that and the fact that we were getting ready for Thanksgiving. Our appt went wonderful!! We got a ton of pics of Mackenzie!! Everything is looking terrific! She is measuring right on for where she is at...we saw the heart, the diaphragm, the stomach, her face. All looked wonderful! He asked if we wanted to come back, at which point I told him that was up to him. We are going to go back and see him on January 14th I think it is, just to have him check her lungs and all that good jazz. I see my regular dr tomorrow, and will take him a copy of the report too.

I am so ready for March to be here. I think Casey is getting tired of hearing me say that. I am sure everyone is tired of hearing me say it. But it is true!! I really am not wanting to wish away time, but I think I realized when Kate made the announcement that Myles was here, that I just want to hold my baby girl!

I went up to where will eventually be Mackenzie's room today. I actually took the onesies out of the packages, and the blankets too. That is something I didnt do with Carli. I think I took one blanket out...I am even tempted to wash all the clothes that I do have. But part of me is nervous to do that. I really want to go buy a few of the big things for Mackenzie. I saw a really cute pink pack n play that I want to get. I have a dark blue one that I have used with the other kids....but I really want a pink one for her. I can always have one upstairs and one downstairs. I also have never really had a real decorated nursery for any of my kids. Now that we live in our own house, I would love to actually do one. I have even found some really cute bedding that I like.

When I was up in Mackenzie's room, I went out to the car and got Carli's diaper bag from the back of the car. How bad does that sound?? I havent even brought in the diaper bag. I have a bunch of other stuff here, but I hadnt brought that in. I found some interesting info in there about grieving and about neonatal death. Maybe I wasnt ready for that at the time. But it all made sense to me today when I read it.

I am trying to decide if I want to use Carli's diaper bag for Mackenzie or not. I mean, it only makes sense that I should...but....

The really funny thing is...I have a thing about butterflies...they remind me of Carli. We bought Carli's diaper bag the night before we had her...literally! Guess what is on it....BUTTERFLIES and flowers. How weird is that! I never even made that connection before TODAY!! I have had my eye on a diaper bag at Wal*Mart that is brown with pretty pink/orange stripes. I might still get it, just in case. But I have been thinking about getting some of the stuff ready for the bag. Like the coming home outfit, and a few other outfits. Casey's aunt Jo got Carli a really cute little white preemie dress that Carli never got to wear. I think I might have Mackenzie wear that for the pictures that the hospital takes. I will make sure it is ok with her of course, but I dont see it being a problem at all.

I am glad that I am seeing my dr tomorrow. I have been having this funky thing happen when I try to eat or drink. It is almost like it gets stuck in my chest, and I have to breathe thru it to get the food/drink down the rest of the way. Hope he doesnt think I am a fruit cake!!

A long, long time ago. Why am I complaining about this?? Because if I dont blog about it, I might very well hurt my very own 5th grader. I asked Mikaela earlier tonite if she had any homework...her response....No. Guess what I hear at 9 p.m. Mom, I need a 5 minute speech for tomorrow.

Wait a second...I think I asked if there was any homework!! Why am I hearing this NOW?? I happened to luck out of having to take speech class in high school. Much to my daughter's dismay I am sure now. Mikaela tells me that her group has nominated her to run for her 5th grade class president...against one of the doctors kids! And that she needs a 5 minute speech!! I dont do speeches!! I am just not good with that kind of stuff. Especially when I am hit with it on a Monday nite! Mondays are always the worst!!

So, I help her out...but what I get her is only about a minute long! I told her that was the best I had for her...she was gonna have to try to find 4 more minutes!!

Then I just tried to give Keaton some of my cough medicine because he is hacking away....that was a disaster waiting to happen. I think it is a horrible, no good day!!!

I am at the halfway point!! I am so excited!! Wait, it seems like I am always excited huh? I cant believe we are back to 20 weeks again. About the same time last year I was here too!! I still cant wait for March to get here! Seems like it is so far away yet! I know I should be enjoying this as much as possible, but I just havent. All I can think of is the end result. This will more than likely be my last pregnancy. I feel kinda guilty that I am wishing away my pregnancy. I think I have always wanted to hurry up each of my pregnancies. I do enjoy being pregnant for the most part. I guess the main thing I love about being pregnant is feeling the baby move. But there are certain things that I could do without. The main thing being the god awful heartburn that I have gotten with all of the pregnancies. And I think with Keaton, Carli, and now this one, I seem to get where I have horrible coughing fits. I dont really remember it much with Keaton, but with Carli it was HORRIBLE!! I have had two different fits of it with Mackenzie so far. And I still have 18 weeks to go! Sounds bad huh?? Me whining huh??

Watching "The Next Iron Chef" tonight, they had a commercial for the year 2008. I always get a little sad each year when the time comes to realize another year is going to be gone. I was thinking how 2007 has been. Of course, I had the birth of Carli to celebrate!! I think back to this time last year in 2006 and think of how happy I was, how excited. I had no idea that anything was wrong with Carli at this point. Well, I kinda knew, but didnt actually KNOW what it was just yet at this point. All seemed to be normal in my pregnancy. Then I think of Carli's birthday...how many different emotions I felt that day. Excitement, nervousness, anxiety, happiness, devastation, etc. And of course all of the other emotions that I have continued to feel thru out the year. I have such mixed emotions about leaving the year 2007. This was Carli's year!! And I know moving into the year 2008, Carli's year will be behind us, and we will be moving into Mackenzie's year. Such happy times are to come! I dont know if any of this makes sense to anyone. I have had a bad day! Things not even pertaining to either one of my little babies. But just wanted to get out some of the thoughts that have been in my head.

Someone was asking for pics of our tattoos on one of my baby boards. I thought I would come and share them here too!!

This is the first one I had done in March 2005. the four leaf clover is for my wish of having another baby (which turned out to be Carli) and for luck, and the 3 hearts were for Mikaela, Carter, and Keaton. It is on my right hip.

I went up to have the last one done, and they had to draw it up, so while we had been waiting I found this one!! I fell in love with it. It is pink angel wings and a blue halo (as close as they could get to Carli's birthstone) with her name and date of birth. This tattoo was actually pretty helpful in helping me heal after losing her. It is on my right ankle.

And this tattoo has all of my children in it. The blue butterfly is Carli up in Heaven, with the red butterfly for Mikaela, the purple dragonfly is for Carter, and the white dragonfly is for Keaton. The colors of the butterflies and dragonflies are the color of the kids birthstones. When I get the chance there will be another butterfly underneath the boys' dragonflies in the same color butterfly, but the shape of Mikaela's butterfly, as Carli's. It is on my left hip.

Ok! I wanted to let you know that I will be going to see my maternal-fetal dr at least one time. I am actually excited about this, and if I didnt have to pay to see him each time, i would continue to see him thru the rest of the pregnancy. He is a great man who looks a little like an Ewok!!! It is all set for us to go see him on Monday, November 19th. I am really hoping that he will do an ultrasound to make sure that he thinks all looks good too!! Well, I guess another reason I want him to do it is to make sure that Mackenzie is still a little girl!! I really dont think we have anything to worry about in that aspect, seeing as we got a pretty good labia shot! Or so Dr. S says!!! I am glad I will get to see Dr. E before Thanksgiving thou!! I think it will bring some more relief!!

On another note, i had a really rough time last nite. I was just sitting there watching "Kitchen Nightmares" and saw Carli's picture with her eyes open. For some reason, it really got to me. I think it is knowing that I will be getting a little girl (or so I am really, really hoping!!) to come home with me in March, and knowing it isnt my Carli. It is just so strange how one day you can be so extremely affected, and then the next it not be so bad. I guess it just isnt as overwhelming I should say. I am affected by Carli every single day...wether I realize it or not!!

On a lighter note, want to hear something funny?? I am sure Mikaela would kill me if she knew I was sharing this...but it is funny....now. When we were at the store the other nite, she asked me if we could buy some Ramen noodles. I told her sure, I kinda like having them around. Well, Monday nite we had a wonderful dinner of left over lasagna...but not alot of it. Later she decided that she was still hungry. So she decided to make some Ramen noodles. That is all fine and dandy until she hollers for me to come upstairs...as I am walking upstairs...I smell the horrible aroma of something burning...really bad!!! I holler and ask what's on fire??? She told me nothing but come upstairs. She is making the noodles in the microwave. Smoke is rolling out of my microwave...really nasty smelling smoke, that I can STILL smell today!! It was her noodles burning!! I get them out of the microwave and take the bowl outside. Casey comes up a this point and ask what the heck is going on....we tell him. He then ask Mikaela if she forgot to put water in the bowl!! To which she slaps a hand over her mouth and replys...."OH!!!" Yes, she completely FORGOT to ADD the water!!!! So, if anyone has any great ideas on how to get the stench out of my microwave, I would greatly appreciate it!!!

I sometimes hate that I cant take any anxiety meds when pregnant. I seem to be doing alot of worrying here lately. Not even pregnancy related. I am stressing about money! Which I almost always worry about. i really need to do better about budgeting. Also, we still have a ton of crap in the house we were renting before we got here. Yeah, I know...we have been here for a while...but I just havent wanted to go out there. Plus it doesnt help that the landlord guy is a biker dude who can be kinda scary if he wants to. We need to do some repairs out there, and get the carpet cleaned. My kids are hard on carpet! I would just get all the stuff and bring it here, but where we used to live was basically a little town built on a field...so mice love it out there! And I dont want to bring mice here!! So, I really need to get my rear in gear and just get it done!! But I am such a procrastinator!! And that is another thing that drives me nuts!! I know it needs done, but I am not getting it done!! One of the ladies that I used to work with at the pharmacy, is now city clerk for where we used live, (it is five miles from here), and I think she must have said something to my landlord, cuz he called last month, and said he really needs to get someone in there. this lady and I dont get along!! So, I am sure she did in vengeance. I just need to get it done!! But when I come home from work, I am so tired...I am hoping to get a major chunk of it done this weekend!!

I also have been thinking alot of Carli! Not that I dont think of her all the time anyhow, but this would have been her first Halloween! One of the ladies I work with now asked if I minded if she put Carli on the list for All Saint's Day at her church. I told her I didnt mind. My fave OB nurse, Kristin saw me Sunday at the store and asked if I had gone to church that day. Well, I didnt...I am really bad about not going to church. But she told me that she saw Carli's picture on the slide show that they did, and she lost it! The lady from work told me that she thinks alot of people lost it seeing a baby, when all the other people on there were older adults. I am so glad to know that there are so many people out there that have been affected by my sweet little girl!

We went out to the cemetery yesterday and threw away the little pumpkin that we took Carli for Halloween. For some reason I was really emotional going out and getting that. I sometimes feel guilty for how excited I am for this baby. i really do think Carli would want me to be happy....and I am sorry if I keep repeating that. I cant really remember what I have in each post! I have decided that I think this baby will wear home the outfit that we had gotten for Carli to wear home. Carli didnt get to wear it, but in my heart, I dont feel that she would mind this. I bought a cute little pack of socks that I think would match the dress perfectly, and also got a little 3 pack of headbands. Maybe when I get around to doing the belly pics, I will take a pic of that too!!

But here I am!! I have wanted to come post results of the big ultrasound...I have really. But it seems like every time I think about coming to do it, I either get side-tracked or just dont know what I want to say! but thanks to a few ladies....here I am!!

My ultrasound went wonderful!! The tech showed us where the heart was, where the stomach was, and most importantly, where the diaphragm was. Everything was where it is suppose to be. I literally let out a HUGE sigh of relief. The tech showed us the four chamber heart...and we got to see a really nice skeleton view of the face! *LOL* Our tech, Gretchen, did keep telling me thought that she was having a hard time getting a good shot of the "Goods". Casey and Keaton had gone with me. Right around this point, Keaton stated that he had to poop!! That's my Keater!! Always lightening the mood!! *LOL* So, I told Casey to go ahead and take Keaton to the bathroom...at which point I asked Gretchen if an earthquake might help our situation. You know what I mean, right?? Where you do the tummy jiggle to get the baby to switch postions! She said it couldnt hurt anything...so that is exactly what I did!! And it worked!!! Not only did it work, but this child gave a really nice shot of it!! Gretchen wouldnt even guess before this point. She later told me that at first she thought girl, then she thought boy. But I believe Gretchen wouldnt have told me if she wasnt pretty sure!! So, I am sure at this point you are wondering why am I not telling you huh?? I know, I am just being mean!

Well, I am very pleased to announce that we are more than likely going to have another baby GIRL!!!! I am beyond thrilled! But, I do want to mention how I have had a few bouts of guilt. I am so excited to be having another baby girl...sometimes I feel that I am cheating Carli with all of my excitement. I really do think thou that Carli would want me to be happy, and excited..and all those other emotions! As crazy as this sounds, I really do feel that Carli had a hand in making sure that I got another little girl.

As for names, I reminded Casey that he told me we could discuss them once we knew what it was. Casey told me that maybe the kids could help with this one. I have talked with all of the kids on this one. Mikaela's choice is Mackenzie Lynne and Carter likes Maeryn. As for my little Keaton, well, he always finds a way to melt my heart. We were talking about it on the way to the babysitter one day. I was telling Keaton all of the names that I liked. He informed me that "Carli needs a baby sister named Kenzi!" Those are the boy's words!!! Casey thinks I have the kids brainwashed into choosing that name. Which really isnt true, since here lately I have fallen in love with the name Kolette. But Mackenzie was one of my top choices. Now I am trying to decide how I want to spell it. I am thinking of dropping the "E" maybe. Mackenzi....hmmm...I dont know yet! Guess I need to work on that. But I have decided that I really like the middle name of Grace. Mackenzie Grace....I think it flows really well. Casey did say NO on that one, but I really, really love it.

Keaton has been calling the baby Kenzi, so I am guessing that will more than likely be her name. Also, I have just recently been feeling some movement. Another huge relief! It was rather cute the other day. I was laying on the couch watching t.v., and Wickett was laying at the bottom of my tummy and I felt Kenzi kick. Well, Wickett must have felt it too!! He jerked his little head up and looked around like "What the heck was that?"

I am doing really well at this point. The heartburn, oh the nasty heartburn, hasnt kicked in yet. I am hoping that maybe I wont get it as bad this time. Yeah, I know....very wishful thinking huh? I do have to admit, that at my last appointment, I gained 8, yes, 8 pounds. I about fell off the scale!! My doctor wasnt worried about it. I only gained a little more than that my WHOLE pregnancy with Carli!! He told me as long as I dont gain that every month, and as long as my glucose test didnt come back at 400, then I was fine. I am glad he is ok with it...but WOW!! He told me not to go and start being anorexic...I laughed and told him not to worry...that wasnt going to happen. I love food too much for that!! *LOL*

Guess that really is all there is to update about. Sorry I didnt get it done sooner!!!

Last nite Casey and I had to make some choices for next years insurance. I would have never thought that Carli's death would have ever made me think of insurance different, but it did! We were trying to decide all the fun things like deductibles and maximum out of pocket expenses. I mean, I have always wished we could have the lowest possible out of pocket, but thinking about our hospital bills from this year, I have really, really wished we had lower. Casey told me that we arent going to have anything like this last year next year. I told him I sure hoped we didnt. They want any changes made by October 26th. I really just want to call my dr and ask him if we can get the ultrasound sometime next week, rather than waiting until October!! That way, as morbid as this sounds, we can change our out of pocket if we need to! How horrible is that thought!!! I hate it!!

I had a really crappy day at work yesterday! Some people think that their lack of planning should constitute as an emergency on our part!! I work in a pharmacy...I deal with this everyday!! But come on people!! You are not suppose to wait until they day you are out of meds to get it refilled!!! And YOU are suppose to make sure that their are refills on YOUR meds!! I had one lady call yesterday that is considered an acquaintance! Her youngest daughter was released from the NICU that Carli was in on the day Carli was born. Needless to say, this child, along with her sister have some major problems since they were both born premature. They take a med to help raise thier blood sugar. So you would think, as important as a drug as that is, that she would not wait until she is COMPLETELY out of meds!! She calls me yesterday and needs a refill for DD #1, but she is out of refills! DD #2's script wont be able to be filled until Friday. But she is completely out of both!! I tried to explain to her our situation on it...I really did feel bad that she would have to pay out of pocket for one of them, but it is beyond my control. It all worked out in the end, she got a dr from our local ER to call in a refill of the meds for her so it went thru insurance and she didnt have to pay a cash price, but I still felt crappy. So crappy, that I cried for quite a while!! I really do try to do what I can...but sometimes I am limited as to what I can do!! Plus it didnt help that they weather was really, really crappy yesterday too!! It rained all day long, and we were even in a tornado watch!!

Well, just wanted to let you know that I guess I wont be getting my much wanted gender check!! I called the place last week, only to find out that they are no longer in business. There is a place in Wichita that does them, but you have to have a dr's note stating it is ok for you to have it done. Which my dr said he would do, but I feel kinda bad asking for one, when I should just hold off a few more weeks, and have it done here at the hospital.



Thank you girls for your comments on the names!! I guess it is a good thing that Colton isnt really high on my list, since it could be a mouthful yelling Keaton and Colton! Very good point!!

Other than that, life is going pretty good. I did have my first major test this week. Casey's uncle passed away on Friday, October 5th. We went down to Oklahoma for his funeral. It was really hard. I would have never imagined how hard it would have been. I found myself thinking of Carli alot more. On the way to the visitation, I thought of our visitation with Carli. Same thing with the ride to the cemetary. I just kept having flashbacks. And it really sucked! I cried so much that I had a horrid headache. I just kept thinking of how Aunt Meme was feeling, and it made me sick to my stomach.

I went up and gave Meme a hug when we made it to the visitation, and she told me "this has just been a shitty year hasnt it!!" I told her that I had to agree. She then tried brightening it back up by telling me that we have something good coming this spring thou!! That we do!! I keep trying to keep my eye on the prize, without stressing too much!!

I cant believe I havent posted in almost a month!! I have thought about different stuff I wanted to blog about, but just couldnt seem to get the energy to post it!! But, thanks to Nanny's comment...here I am!!

She asked me what the names were that I had....are you really ready for the names?? I guess it really isnt too bad of a list...so here we go!! Boys names first, then the girls!! *= my personal first choices

BOYS
*Cade Ryan
*Cole Andrew
Cael, Kael
Kane
Camden
Colton
Conner
Corbett

GIRLS
*Mackenzie Lynne (or possibly Mackenzie Gracelyn)
*Kaia Marie (Caia)
Cambree
Cambria
Camryn
Karrigan
Kelby
Kendall
Kiely, Keeli
Kylar
Maeryn

I was asking Keaton the other night which of the names he liked. That is when Casey mentioned something about letting the kids name this baby. I told him that was an interesting thought, that as long as him and I narrow it down, that would be fine! I think!!

My last dr appt went pretty good. All looks great! I am at 142lbs, blood pressure looked good at 110/70. It took him a bit to get the heartbeat! I guess the little bean sprout was moving around ALOT!! He did finally get it thou and said it was in the 140's. He told me that we would probably have my u/s at 26 weeks, at which point I reminded him that he said between 18 & 20 he would do it...my next appt I will be at 17 weeks, so he said we will do it at the appt after that at 21 weeks...I didnt fight him on that. He said he wanted to wait until 21 weeks since all looked good at the last u/s. I reminded him that all looked good with Carli at 10 weeks too!! He told me that he has his fingers and toes crossed that all is going to be good this time, and that he is even hoping I wont have to have a blood transfusion this time...I laughed and told him that was wishful thinking!! I had 2 with Carter, and one with Keaton and Carli, so I will more than likely have one this time too!! He told me he will have my blood down here ready to go, since it has to be typed and crossed since I have some weird duffy antibody. Next appt is set for Oct 29th!!

One of the girls from one of the message boards I go to mentioned asking the dr about seeing if I could donate my own blood. I thought that was an interesting concept. I will ask him at my next appt.

I will also tell you how impatient I am. I think I am going to call Baby Images in the mall to see if I can get an early gender check at 16 weeks. That is where I went with Carli, and the first time I went, they told me they were pretty sure she was a girl, but had me come back at 18 weeks and did another check, where they told me they were SURE she was a girl!! I am sure I will post here as soon as I find out what this bean sprout is!!

I really want another little girl. I know I must have said it 3 million times. I feel guilty sometimes since I want a little girl so bad!! Dont get me wrong, I will love having another little boy if that is what is meant to be, but I cant even tell you how I felt when I found out Carli was my little girl!!

I have found that I do pretty good when people ask me some of the crazy questions that they do!! One of my customers came in to the pharmacy about a week ago and asked me what baby #4 was...I told her a little girl named Carli Mae. She said, "Oh, how great!! You evened it out at home..." At that point I sighed and said well, kinda. Then I told her about Carli and what happened. You could just see the look!! After telling her that, she told me that if she had known, she wouldnt have said anything. That is when I told her that I LOVE talking about Carli!! I told her next time she came in that maybe I would have my little book of pictures of her!

I will have to see if I can post a few of the pictures from our trip to the pumpkin patch this year!! But for now...I am off of here to finish getting Keaton ready for the sitter!!

Monday night at 9:51pm, my first nephew, Colby Lee was born. He was 6lbs 5oz and 20 inches long. He is a cute little guy!! I have to admit, even though I dont want to, I had a rough time going up to see his mommy while she was in labor. It had nothing to do with her, it was just hard to think of being up there at that time.

Colby is doing good. He has been a little sleepy, but I am sure it has to do with all the pain meds his mommy has had. I did finally get to see his eyes last nite. While Chelsea was in the bathroom, I decided to go ahead and check his diaper. I took off the sleeper and he was stirring. The nurse came in and I asked when he was suppose to eat again. She said any time now would be good. So I got him good and awake!! He was even fussy as I changed his diaper. I had only heard him cry when the nurse had given him his Vitamin K shot.

Keaton is so stinking cute!! He is playing with my tummy right now and kissing the baby. He just told me my tummy is getting big. I think that is part of the reason that I wish March was here already. The kids are ready to bring a baby home too!! I just wish we would know what kind of baby we are going to have. Casey wont look at the list of names until we know what the baby is. Very frustrating!!

Doing pretty good right now! Even though I had to make up a few days since they changed my due date to March 30th! That is ok thou, since that is right from O! Been feeling pretty good for the most part!! I now am thru 1/4 of my pregnancy!

My mom and I took the kids to Oceans of Fun this past weekend. It was really fun. The kids were all really good. We took one of Mikaela's friends, Jordan, with us. They took off and had all sorts of fun by themselves. My mom and I took care of watching the boys! Carter is not afraid of much when it comes to water. He was doing an awesome job at swimming too!! That place is really awesome! They have a wave pool, a lazy river, which both boys loved, a place called Paradise Falls. Quite a bit of stuff!! I didnt get any pictures thou. I took the camera, just didnt want to mess with the possiblity of it getting wet!

This weekend, mom and I are gonna get off work early on Friday, and we are all going down to Branson for the weekend!! That should be a ton of fun!! We are going to be staying at a place that has a water park at the hotel!! That in itself will save a ton of $$$ on entertainment costs! They have a place called The Butterfly Place, that I am really looking forward to going to! They also have a Ripley's museum that we are going to hit up too!! Mikaela and Carter are excited since they will be getting out of school early!!

I forgot that I wanted to say that my little baby in my widget actually looks like a little baby now, rather than a little alien!!

And, we are gonna be getting a new puppy!! Probably around September 16th!! A little boy!! We decided to name him Wickett, since he will kinda look like an Ewok!! He is a Morkie, which is 1/2 Maltese and 1/2 Yorkie!! I am so excited!! His momma is only 4.5lbs and his daddy is 3.5lbs! So needless to say, he will be a little guy!! We have already bought a little food/water bowl, and a super cute little, and I stress the word little, collar that says, "Bad to the bone!"

I cant wait to share pictures of him!!

And, Sunday, we went out the the cemetary to visit Carli, and Keaton never ceases to amaze me!! He always talks to Carli!! I think Casey and I were kinda down when we were out there, but Keaton made us smile!! He went over and showed Carli (leaned over where she is) and said, "Hey Carli, want to see my new tattoo? It is a dinosaur!!" He is just so sweet and innocent!!

I have my first prenate appointment today!! I will go for an ultrasound at 1:30 p.m. and then right after that I go see Dr. S! I am so excited, but so scared/nervous all at once. I had an u/s about this same time last time with Carli. Actually, they say that by the end of this week is when the risk for congenital problems drop. With Carli, they say her diaphragm didnt close up around this time. But the baby is too small to know that right now. As silly as it sounds, I did talk to my belly one day last week and told the diaphragm to do what it was suppose to do!!

Monday seemed to be kinda of a rough day again. Last Monday was the same way! I was very anxious and felt like I was gonna burst into tears at any moment! I think it was a combo of trying not to stress out about this appt, and that I had Chelsea's baby shower on Sunday. It went really well. I got pretty upset though, cause some of my family decided it would be nice to be fashionably late! I put on the invites that it was gonna start at 2 p.m. They decided to show up around 2:30-2:45! I was NOT happy!! I had to wait for them to show up so we could do all the games! After that though, it went smooth!

Here is the front!
And the back!!

That is how far along I am as of today. Wow!! It just seems like I just found out I was pregnant!! But man does it seem like forever away!! I dont have my first appointment until August 29th...and I am so ready for it!! I seem to be growing pretty quick this time. I cant believe it!

I cant remember if I have said this before or not, but when I ask Keaton how many babies there are in my tummy, he says 2! No lie!! Maybe Granny's dream will come true! Casey will die if that is the case! All the more reason I cant wait to go to my first prenatal appointment! I have my sonogram first before I even have my appt. That kinda makes me nervous too!

I have been trying to have good thoughts. I havent really had very many bad thoughts. I even bought a little something the other day at the dollar store. Just some cute little pink pacis. I sure hope it is a girl!! I keep saying that, but in all reality, I know I will love a little boy just as much!!

There has been a number of people who tell me they cant believe I am doing as well as I am. The way I look at it, I have 2 choices. I can make the best of it, whatever that might be, and go on living my life, or I can be upset and down and miserable. I personally choose to try to make the best of it. We all know that if I could have Carli here with me, then I would. But nothing I do or say is going to change that fact! Yes, I miss her terribly, and would give anything in the world (well, within limits) to have her back in my arms. I look at this pregnancy, and think of all the hope I have for it! I am going to do my best and try to enjoy every aspect of it that I can. I have even been taking weekly pictures of my growing belly. And so far, I have done good! I just wish I would have done that with Carli too!

On a completely different front, my sister in law, Melissa, had a garage sale this weekend and was selling all her scrapbook stuff. I got to buy all of it, or I guess I should say my mom bought it all for me! I am so excited too!! I got a Cricut!! I even played with it today. I got a start on my pregnancy album. I started a page entitled, A Blessing. It has the picture of my positive digital pregnancy test! I just need to get my journaling on it. I have the new printer hooked up, so now I dont have any excuse not to get it done!! My SIL had a ton of stuff!! Tons of paper, tons of magazines/idea books!! It is crazy!! I need a whole room just to set up my scrapbooking stuff!!

Today is my oldest baby's birthday!! 10 years ago today, I became a mommy for the first time!! We went and stayed at a hotel last nite, since I had today off. We went and saw Shrek the 3rd today too!! All in all, I think it was a good day!! I cant believe I have a 10 year old though!!

Happy birthday my sweet little girl!!! I love you more than you can know!!!

After I had Carli, one of my doctors, the maternal-fetal dr, told me something very helpful. He told us that for the rest of our lives, it is going to be like walking on a beach. For the most part, we will have little waves lapping at our feet, but there will be some big waves that come and knock us off our feet. You know, that has been true. When I see him again, I plan on telling him how true it is!!

I was reading this over on Calypso's page. I dont know if her mom, Melissa, wrote it, or if she found it somewhere, but this hits the nail on the head!! I printed a copy of it to have with me. I just wanted to share it, in case anyone wants to see it!!

What everyone should know

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm 'over it' or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no 'normal' way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be 'over and done with' in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be 'over' this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ''normal' you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say 'next time things will be okay'. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

And so far, it seems like they have all taken it really good! I had a few that were really excited for me! Which that helps alot! I even took some belly pics already!! I have decided that I am going to do that this time. I didnt do it with Carli, and I really regret it now. Assuming everything goes right, this will be our last baby. Kinda sad.

I have yet to tell my boss. He is going to a convention this week in Boston. I thought I would wait until next week to tell him. That way he can enjoy his time away without stressing about me being pregnant. We have another girl at work that is pregnant and is due the middle of next month. We didnt know she was pregnant when we hired her, or he probably wouldnt have hired her. She seems to be doing ok, but you know. She isnt anything like how I am when I am pregnant and working.

I have been having the same crazy itching of my legs this time that I did last time when I was pregnant with Carli. It drives me batty!! And for the last week or so, I have been having lower back pains. Yesterday was the worse it has been so far. I put a heat pack on it, one of those disposable ones, and it helps alot. Think I might have to buy some more of those to keep on hand!!

I talked to my specialist's nurse yesterday. He is actually the dr that delivered Carli. Liz was super excited for us. She said they normally see you around 20 weeks, since the baby should be nice and big for an u/s. Unless of course my dr here wants me to see him sooner. I am really looking forward to that appt. She checked her calendar and told me that that will be right before Thanksgiving! I think it would be so cool to know what we are having by then!! I am keeping my fingers crossed for that!!

I called the monument place about Carli's bench. He was very nice. Told me that it has been sitting in a dock in Georgia for the past 2-3 weeks. That he has really been bugging them to get it shipped. But i guess since fuel prices are so high, they have been stalling. He PROMISED to call me as soon as it was in. He said not to quote him, but that he thought it might ship out on Friday. I sure hope so! I am getting antsy waiting to see it!! I hope it is as beautiful in real life as it is in my imagination!!

Can I just say again how excited I am that we are expecting another little one in March!!! I have to admit though, that there are some fears there as well. I kinda cornered Casey the other night. Asked him what he thought of it all. I know he is happy about it, but I know there is the agony of the thought of having to go thru something like we did with Carli again.

I am really looking forward to my first prenate appointment on August 29th. God that seems like forever away!! I am scheduled for a sono thou. So, that should hopefully bring me some relief. Even though I had a sono at the same time with Carli. That was right after the diaphragm hadnt fully closed last time. Of course, it is too soon to be able to tell anything like that. You know...since they are so small and all!! Guess I will just have to keep plugging along until then huh!! Did I mention that that is FOREVER away!! *LOL*

Well, I have only know for 4 days, and have been itching to buy something baby. Today, i got to fill that urge. My mom and I are going to throw a baby shower for my brothers girlfriend, Chelsea. I pretty much refer to her as my sister in law.

Anyhow...I got to go buy baby stuff!! HA! HA! Casey!! *LOL* He cant understand my urge to want to buy something baby, no matter how small it might be!! I am so looking forward to this baby shower!! I got to buy diapers, wipes, pacis, bottles, washcloths, towels, burp clothes, baby soap...all the good stuff you know!! And of course all of the game stuff too!! We are going to do a baby word scramble, guess the baby food, fill in the blank nursery rhyme game, who has the dirty diaper?, memorize it, and The Baby came (a baby in an ice cube). Chelsea is really excited too!! I got the stuff to make my favors. Little pacis made from jelly beans and life savers, the chocolate bars that I have ordered the wrappers for, the little prizes for the winners of the games. For that, we got a really nice little candle that was 1/2 off (a whopping 50 cents) with a really nice bottle of body spray and a tube of same scent body lotion. Then we are also going to have a diaper raffle, where the winner gets a calgon bath pack. And of course, we have to make it easy for Chelsea to do her thank you notes, so we are going to have people address the envelopes for her, and she will draw one out for that person to win a little pedicure set. I think I am going to call our favorite scrap store and see if they will make me a nice little advice journal and have everyone put something in it for Chelsea while she is opening the presents!

I seem to have it pretty much planned!! Did it mostly today!!

Well, I must go lay down in my bed with my hubby. I guess he has missed me today!!

Wow!! I am so excited but nervous all at the same time!! I told my dr about my positive test. He is super excited for me too!! He said he has all his fingers and toes crossed for me. And that he feels this time it will go better. So far, I dont have any off feelings. So that is a good sign. He told me he would have his nurse Patty set up my first appointment and my first sono. They are officially set for Wednesday, August 29th!! I am so excited!

I really do feel that Carli had a hand in this. I had decided that I wasnt going to avoid trying this month. My SIL, Chelsea said she too thinks that Carli had a hand in this. She thinks that Carli thought it would be good to have some happiness around my sad time. I totally agree. My mom has told me that I am going to have to prepare myself for that. I have already thought of that. That has been on my mind since we started TTC. I know this journey is going to be hard, but i am excited to be on it. I am already anxious to find out what we are having. I had told Carli that we would really like another baby sister down here. I especially want a girl now!! I have all of those super cute outfits that I bought for Carli. And with the due date being only a week after Carli's birthday...it makes me want it all the more. So far, no feelings on what it is...I know it is too soon.

I do have to add that in one of my last few posts, I posted about my kids due dates. See, it is there!! Mikaela=August 4th, Carter=June 27th, Keaton=May 4th, Carli=April 4th, and this one is March 27th!

I talked to my favorite OB nurse, Kristin, yesterday. I told her all about it. She asked when the due date was...i told her March 27th, so she asked if I was wanting March 13th...I told her no, that what I really wanted was March 17th. She said she will call the dr and tell him that they have me set for a c-section on March 17th!!! *LOL* Only a few days in, and we got the date set!! I really hope my dr will let me do it! That is the 10-14 days before!!

I have only told a few people. I havent told my boss yet. He is leaving for Boston for a week next week. He usually freaks out, so I think I will wait until he gets back. He should be expecting it to come any time now thou. He has been warned that we were going to try again, and he said he knew I would!

Looks like we are gonna have another Spring Break baby!! That is when we had Carli last year!! Now I just need to come up with a cute little nickname for the baby. Any ideas??

Today's Results!! 07/19/07

Yesterdays results, above!!! 07/18/07

I will try to come and explain feelings tonite when I have more time!! But for now, I am excited, and nervous all at the same time!!

Well, I tested this morning. Still a negative. Got symptoms...just dont know if it is for AF or pregnancy. Guess time will tell! More waiting!

I hate waiting!! I will admit that I can be pretty impatient!! That is the case right now. I am trying not to read too far into anything at this point. The past couple of days when I have tested to see if we are gonna have a baby....they have been negative! It was negative again this morning. FF gave me a test date of tomorrow. I have been having bouts of nausea...and it sucks. I have also been having some faint cramping. Nothing too bad, but still..... I am nervous for tomorrow. I know how down I will end up being all day if AF decides to come visit tomorrow. Have I mentioned I hate waiting!!

But that is all there is time for.......WAITING!

I am really getting anxious. My chart for TTC is looking really good. But I am nervous that it will all come crashing down here in a day or two (possibly even today!) Each month that I have AF come, just tears me up. I remember with Carli it took us 3 months of actual trying. That is the point we are at now. It drove me nuts then too, but this time around it all seems so different. Maybe it is because I now know that there is always the real possibility of not bringing home a baby. I dont know....I just am ready for it to happen!!! I have little signs that I never realized that happen each month. I always seem to get really irritable right before I start...and all though this seems to be TMI, I always seem to be a little gassy too. I went back and looked at my last months chart....and I show that I was irritable the same day of my cycle last month that I was this month....7 DPO. Damn!!! With the gassy part though, I am a little farther behind on it...but now that I know it happens, I hate it!!! And I know that Fertility Friend tells you to wait until the test date...but I got a + HPT with Carli at 9 DPO. Therefore...I usually start testing that day. Just once a day, with first morning urine. So far, yesterday and todays test have both been negative....such a bummer. Oh well....just gotta keep going with my saying...."What happens.....happens!!"

I thought of another little quirky thing. I was thinking of my kids due dates....Mikaela was due Aug 4th, Carter was due June 27th, Keaton was due May 4th, and Carli was due April 4th. Projected due date if this is the cycle is March 27th. I just thought that was interesting...crazy huh?

On a good note...I get to go scrapping again today!! Chelsea, one of my brother's, Dustin, girlfriend and I went for about an hour and a half on Friday. Just enough to make us crave more. So we are heading back to our favorite little scrapbooking store, Scrappers, today. The last time we actually scrapped was March 2006. We went on a little weekend excursion. Little did we know that it was a really religious scrapbook event. I usually need music to help keep me motivated. Well, the played music alright...but it was churchy music. Really, I dont have a problem with that...but I really wasnt expecting that. Needless to say...it sucked the motivation out of both of us! I did get a few pages done...but not nearly enough to justify a 3 day weekend away scrappin. Chelsea and I got our first tattoos down in Wichita thou!! Those did make for a really cool 2 page layout!! We have been talking for a while about going scrapping again. Here 16 months later...we are finally doing it!! I am really hoping to get motivated again!! I have a ton of Carli's pictures to scrap, but seem to be at a loss as what to do with all of them....Maybe I will just make some cards to get me going!!

Just went to the cemetery again to check and see if Carli's bench had made it yet. No real big surprise I guess that it still wasnt there. But I was rather excited to see a butterfly visiting her bush!! It was a really pretty black butterfly with orange circles on it. I loved watching it!! I am hoping the next time I go out there, that there will be another butterfly. I am going to see if I can take a picture of it!!

I learned also that it really does pay to not be a bitch when calling the phone company to complain. I ended up being on my cell phone for 45 minutes with the lady at the phone company. We got a letter telling us that our bank returned our payment to them. I called my bank on Thursday to ask if they showed where it had been run thru and sent back. They saw no such record. They told me there was more than enough in the account the day the payment was made. So, Thursday morning I called the phone company. The lady told me she was going to have to do some checking and call me back. No problem.

Fast forward to yesterday morning. My MIL called my cell phone and asked me what was wrong with the home phone. I asked her why? She said it was disconnected. I was not very happy at all. So, I take my mom up to her dentist appt, and decided I might as well call and see what was going on. I told the lady that my phone had been disconnected and that I was calling to check on it. I told her all about my previous phone call the day before. I told her we really didnt want to have to pay the $25 return check charge, since it hadnt even been sent to our bank. She said well, I could have a bank officer fax them a letter telling them that, and that I might be able to get it reversed. I said ok that I would do that, but you could tell I wasnt very happy. Then I asked her if we were going to have to pay the $25 for the reconnect fee. She said yes that we would have to. I explained to her that I hadnt paid it the day before cuz I was waiting for the lady to call me back with what she found out. She said there was no noting in the file that the other lady was going to call me back. I politely asked if there was anyone that I could talk to about getting that charge reversed. She said no, that we would have to pay it. So, I tell her ok....well, either way I need to pay my bill to get my phone back on. She informs me I cant pay by check, but would have to pay by debit card or credit card. I laughed...said fine, I would pay by debit card, but that it came from the SAME account that the online check came from. She laughed and said that I knew that and she knew that...she gets the payment processing and then ask me what kind of program we have on our computer. I told her, well, when I made the payment I had Windows XP, but now I have Vista. She was asking me how I liked it...yada yada. Then we start talking about internet service. She has DSL thru Embarq (the phone company) and I told her that we were thinking about getting that and getting rid of our cable Internet.

She asked me for the number to my bank, and asked me if I minded if she called my bank officer to inquire about whether the charge had gone thru my bank. I gave her the number and she got back on the line and told me that she was going to get the $25 charge for return check credited to my account. We kept talking, and she heard Mikaela in the background. She asked me how old my little ones were. I told her how old all of them were, including Carli. I ended up telling her all about Carli's story. She cried. She told me that she had lost a baby at 6 months gestation, about 41 years ago. It was a really amazing conversation!!

We ended up going ahead and getting us signed up for the DSL. She told me that she was going to make sure that our account was credited the $25 reconnect fee too!! And that there is a $15 connect fee for the service, and a $14.95 shipping and handling charge for the modem that they would send us. But, she gave us a $30 credit for that!

I was so excited!! Here at the beginning of the call I was thinking, Maybe I should really push to get my thoughts across....and instead, I remained my nice, calm self. And it paid off!! In the end, it ended up saving me $80.00!! So, I guess the moral of this story is being nice does pay off!!

I dont know if it was because it was just the boys and I here last nite or what. I was just watching tv, and all of the sudden felt really down. There are a number of things it could be. One is it could just be me feeling sad about Carli again, but I dont feel like that is it. I could just have been bummed since this is technically my first nite staying without Casey in this house. Or it could be a little hormonal deal. When I was pregnant with Mikaela, before I knew I was pregnant with her...I would lay in bed after Casey had fallen asleep, and just cry. I didnt know why...but I did. I later found out it was the hormones that i didnt know were flowing thru me. I am really hoping that is the case for me.

If that is what it is....I feel a little bitter sweet about it. Our due date would be March 27, 2008. Our little Carli was born and became an angel on March 20, 2007. I have mixed emotions. I decided that I wasnt going to avoid this month...cuz I do still believe what happens....happens.

On a weird side note...I have always kinda laughed at this...but so far it has held true, with the exception of Casey! Mikaela and I were born in 1997 and 1977, both odd years. Carter and Keaton were born in 2002 and 2004, both even years. Then we had Carli in 2007, odd year. So, if we do conceive, I think the next one will be a boy, since the year of birth will be 2008. I have to be honest though...I really want my theory to be off....cuz i would really love to have another baby girl! Casey throws it all off thou.....he was born in 1975. Oh well, I really cant wait to test the theory. I do have to admit though, this child may not even be conceived yet, but I already have a strong feeling it will be a boy!!

Casey and Mikaela took Jordan, our nephew, to the airport today. Since his flight was so early, the went up last nite with my MIL and stayed at a hotel. I know Mikaela is going to be super sad today. Jordan used to live here, but has since moved with Casey's sister to AZ. Jordan is only 6 months older than Mikaela...and they are usually pretty close. I am bummed for her today.

Well, I have to go get Carter ready for a birthday party he is going to today. A fun filled day at the pool and then a sleepover. I hope he stays. I will update that later!!

Not too much of a change, but I felt I needed something different. I really need to see if I can learn how to change it up a bit more. I figured maybe if I change it up, then it would motivate me to post something.

Not too much has been going on! We had Carter's birthday party...which turned out really good. I will have to get motivated to get some pics of it up!! Mikaela's team got 3rd in the tournament. We got beat out by Yates Center, 10 to 2 I think it was. I really think the girls already had it in their head that they were gonna lose!! Which is really sad...cuz they are a good bunch of girls!!

Last Saturday after I got off work at 2pm, we went to Worlds of Fun/Oceans of Fun! My aunt had tickets thru her work. The kids only got to go to OOF for about 30-45 mins...but I think we might have to make another trip up there soon!! The boys had so much fun!! This time I got to ride 2 rides!! Spinning Dragons, and the Patriot!! I rode them both with Mikaela...and really enjoyed it!!

Casey sent me a text message about taking the month layoff that they offer at work. I think I am going to let him do it. He gets 80% of his pay. I wish I could do something like that with my work. I just get so burned out sometimes. I love my job, but I am having a hard time there right now.

My poor lilac bush that our banker gave us after Carli passed, has passed too!! I dont know if it was too much rain that we got that killed it or what! I am not a good gardner!! It looks really bad all dead and brown in the corner of my yard!! Oh well...what can I do?

But on the other hand, the butterfly bushes and plants that are out at Carli's site look great!!! The plant I think it is, has really beautiful purple blooms on it!! Now if only we could see Carli's bench out there with it all!! I am really upset that it isnt there yet!! I would have rather him have told me that it would take longer rather than shorter. He told me 2 months...and it has been more than 2 months. I go out there almost every day to see if it is there. I guess it wont really make much difference when it comes thou. It wont bring my Carli back, but I guess I am really looking forward to people seeing her bench. Crazy huh?

I really should go clean my house. But it is my day off, and that just doesnt sound like any fun! I am going to try to talk Casey into letting me go scrapping tonite at my favorite scrap store. I havent gone scrapping since March 2006. Pretty sad huh? I really need to do some pages on Carli. But I seem to kinda be at a lose of what to do with her pages. I am hoping the inspiration comes to me when I get to the store, if I get to go!!

I guess I close this out with telling you that I wrote a message to Carli in the sand at the beach the other day. It said, We miss you Carli! We heart you!!

And that is so true Carli, we miss you and love you and not a day goes by that I dont think of you!!

And we lost!! Yates Center beat us 10-1. I think the girls had it in there head that they were gonna lose! We had the bats swinging!! But all the hits were going right back to the pitcher!! And the pitcher and first baseman were a good combo!! I dont think the first baseman dropped one ball!! Whereas, our first baseman did! Poor girl...she was beating herself up!! And we had one mom that was being pissy. I guess some of the girls went swimming yesterday, and they dont recommend any swimming the day of a game....but I dont think that was the reason we lost!! It was a bummer, and I really wish Kaela's team could have beat Yates Center.

We did go up the hill and watched one of our other home teams beat Yates Center!!! That was really exciting. That was the next best thing...if we couldnt be #1, then we didnt want YC to be #1!

As did Mikaela!! We played our make-up game last nite!! It was great!! We were tied 0 all thru 3 innings. Then the stinky Lebo team scored one run....score 1-0, them. Lebo beat the snot out of us in our regular season game, 11-2. It was not pretty!! But, I do think the crappy rain we had that day didnt help either. It was quite chilly and you could see some of our girls shivering!! Any way...back to the game from last nite! Mikalea's first at bat, she whopped the ball hard, nice hit, but it went right to the 2nd baseman who was in the right place!! Damn!! Great hit thou!! She had some awesome plays...including a backhand stop. A great throw to first that was a little high, and our first baseman didnt catch. Another play where she stopped the ball, but it got a little away from her. But she went after it, slipped in some mud and landed on her butt...but still managed to toss a good toss to the 3rd baseman...but the runner was just a little quicker!! We go to bat at the top of the 5th, with Mikaela being first batter! I honestly cant remember where exactly she hit the ball...but it was a good hit and she got a single!! That was the start to a great inning! We scored 6 runs!! All starting with Kaela's hit!! She even ended up back up to bat...but we had scored our 6 run limit for the inning!! Lebo comes up to bat in the bottom of the 5th. Time has expired at this time....so if they dont score more than 6 runs, we win! Payton pitched really good!! She was on fire! If only you could see this girl. She is a petite girl...but an awesome ball player!! We had one of the Lebo girls that hit the ball straight at Kaela's but it went thru her legs, into the outfield. That girl ended up with a homerun...but it was illegal!! Her own team pointed out that she hadnt touched 2nd base. But we only had one official behind the plate. So it didnt get called!! But that didnt matter!! We WON!!! 6-2!! It was great!! The girls were so pumped!! I hope it continues to tonites game. I think we play Yates Center, who is an awesome team!! They stomped us 13-0 when we played them regular season. I am hoping we can avenge that game too!! I believe if we win that game, we go on to play another game tonite for championship!! That will mean for some tired girls!!

We have headed out to the cemetary quite a few times to see if Carli's bench has made it in. It isnt out there yet! I am really hoping it will make it today. We shall see!! I am so excited to see it! I hope it turns out as good as it is in my head!! As soon as it is out there, I will try to get a picture!!

Keep your fingers crossed!! It looks like the sky is clouding up!! Damn!! Stay away rain!!!!

Well, the good news is that it isnt raining at the moment. But it is still dreary and overcast. I guess the one good thing about all the rain is that at least we wont have to worry about the grass catching on fire from the fireworks!!

Speaking of fireworks...I am really bummed about a few things. #1 is that I should be worrying about how Carli would react to them. But I dont have that to worry about. The other thing is that the 4th is on a Wednesday this year. That really sucks!! Casey is usually in bed by 8 or 8:30pm since he has to get up at 3:15am. I guess we might have to do our fireworks tonite so he can enjoy them too.

We had a middle school girl come and watch the boys for a little over an hour last nite. It was suppose to be 1 & 1/2 hours. She is Mikaela's best friends sister. All in all I think it went really well. She said she would come and watch them again sometime.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do today. I of course dont want to stay home. Imagine that!! I know the kids are going to want to do fireworks. Keaton has already mentioned it to me!! *LOL*

Last nite, Casey and I were laying down in our room, and Keaton came down looking so sweet dragging Carli's little purple blanket. He wanted to sleep with us because of the big bad wolves. He told us that they couldnt get him in our room, and then proceeded to lock our bedroom door to keep them out!! It was pretty darn cute!! Then he is climbing on the bed, and Casey told him there was one right there....poor guy freaked out and started crying. Bad bad daddy!! But it sure was funny!! Keaton has been cracking us up with some of the things he says!!

Have I mentioned that it is still raining here? I wish it would quit already! Doesnt look like it is going to let up either!! It is all dark and gloomy! I hate it!! My rain gutters are overflowing, which is making loud noises outside my bedroom! My backyard is going to look like a swimming pool before long. The big ditch in my neighbors yard already looks like it!! Maybe I can take a picture of it too!! If I ever get my camera charged!! *LOL*

Not to mention, I slept like crap last nite!! I had my first very unsettling night of dreaming about dead babies. I cant say that was very nice at all!! Well, I guess it wasnt all nite, because I was up the other part! I even went ahead and took my temp at 6am rather than my usual 6:35am. Keaton was up at the crack of dawn too. Casey said he woke up at 4am and Keaton was up watching cartoons. At least he can do that. But then he started coming downstairs and talking to me. That is when I decided I would go ahead and get up!