Just Taking It Day by Day

Well, here it goes! I figure that I read some of my friends blogs...maybe I should start one for myself! I am not as great with words as some people, but I guess this is just a way for me to get my thoughts out there daily...if I want to. I have been having alot of emotions going on here within the past few months. I lost a beautiful daughter, Carli, due to CDH. I guess more than anything this is my way of taking it day by day in trying to get to that place where they say it wont hurt as much. I know I have a long way to go! I have 3 other gorgeous kids to keep me busy! I am sure that I will fill this blog with tons of stuff on them, and of course my occassional ramblings about what is going on in my head in regards to missing Carli, and the concept of trying to have another little one!

I had my first really strange dream about Carli last nite. Not really too much to say about it. All I can really explain to others is that I was in some auditorium, and there were all of these other couples that were being called up to come get their precious little babies. And I knew that I wasn't going to be getting my Carli. And it hurt so damn much! The past couple of days have been really rough for me. I got my bill from the hospital that we delivered at, and it made me sad! A damn bill made me sad! I guess it isnt really the bill, but the fact of what the bill stood for. The bill that I have to pay for having a baby that doesn't get to come home with me! I guess it makes me angry too! I hate feeling angry!

I keep wondering why it happened to us. I mean, look at all those women out there who don't want the child they were pregnant with! We wanted ours!! We wanted to bring Carli home with us!! I really do think that there is some reason for Carli to be here for such a short time frame. I don't know what it is..and probably never will! I keep wondering if we should try our chances and really try for another one. My dr who delivered Carli told me that I can't let it end this way. That I need a happy ending. I really believe that is what I need too! I just sometimes feel like I am some how taking away from Carli by wanting to have another baby so soon after losing her. I miss her so damn much!

I think I might like this blogging thing. It might end up being me just complaining over and over about the unfairness of losing Carli, but at least I can get it out without bringing other people down here in my real life!!