Oh such good news!! My dear wonderful friend Kate has had Myles!! Here is a link to her blog, since I am illiterate and cant do it the cool way,(http://www.everythingisundercontrol.blogspot.com/). I am sure this is a day that seemed like it would never make it here for her! I am so, so happy for Kate. Words cannot describe how much love is being sent her way!!
Thanksgiving is behind us. We hosted it at our house for some of my family. It seemed to go pretty good. There is a story to go with it thou. We were sitting in the kitchen, and Casey had taken the turkey that was marinating in the brine out of the fridge. Mikaela came in the kitchen and reminded me that Tuesday would have been Carli's 8 month birthday. To which I replied that I had completely missed that. Casey decided to be sassy at that point and asked me if I had already forgotten about Carli. I know he was giving me a hard time, but that is NOT something to even tease about!! It really bothered me and I was just about ready to bust into tears....then Casey tried moving the turkey breasts to drain into the sink....and the damn bag burst all over ME!! Talk about shock!! It shocked the tears away!!
Which brings me to a whole other issue!! I think part of the reason that I missed Carli's 8 month birthday is the fact that we had an appt with the maternal-fetal specialist on Monday, that and the fact that we were getting ready for Thanksgiving. Our appt went wonderful!! We got a ton of pics of Mackenzie!! Everything is looking terrific! She is measuring right on for where she is at...we saw the heart, the diaphragm, the stomach, her face. All looked wonderful! He asked if we wanted to come back, at which point I told him that was up to him. We are going to go back and see him on January 14th I think it is, just to have him check her lungs and all that good jazz. I see my regular dr tomorrow, and will take him a copy of the report too.
I am so ready for March to be here. I think Casey is getting tired of hearing me say that. I am sure everyone is tired of hearing me say it. But it is true!! I really am not wanting to wish away time, but I think I realized when Kate made the announcement that Myles was here, that I just want to hold my baby girl!
I went up to where will eventually be Mackenzie's room today. I actually took the onesies out of the packages, and the blankets too. That is something I didnt do with Carli. I think I took one blanket out...I am even tempted to wash all the clothes that I do have. But part of me is nervous to do that. I really want to go buy a few of the big things for Mackenzie. I saw a really cute pink pack n play that I want to get. I have a dark blue one that I have used with the other kids....but I really want a pink one for her. I can always have one upstairs and one downstairs. I also have never really had a real decorated nursery for any of my kids. Now that we live in our own house, I would love to actually do one. I have even found some really cute bedding that I like.
When I was up in Mackenzie's room, I went out to the car and got Carli's diaper bag from the back of the car. How bad does that sound?? I havent even brought in the diaper bag. I have a bunch of other stuff here, but I hadnt brought that in. I found some interesting info in there about grieving and about neonatal death. Maybe I wasnt ready for that at the time. But it all made sense to me today when I read it.
I am trying to decide if I want to use Carli's diaper bag for Mackenzie or not. I mean, it only makes sense that I should...but....
The really funny thing is...I have a thing about butterflies...they remind me of Carli. We bought Carli's diaper bag the night before we had her...literally! Guess what is on it....BUTTERFLIES and flowers. How weird is that! I never even made that connection before TODAY!! I have had my eye on a diaper bag at Wal*Mart that is brown with pretty pink/orange stripes. I might still get it, just in case. But I have been thinking about getting some of the stuff ready for the bag. Like the coming home outfit, and a few other outfits. Casey's aunt Jo got Carli a really cute little white preemie dress that Carli never got to wear. I think I might have Mackenzie wear that for the pictures that the hospital takes. I will make sure it is ok with her of course, but I dont see it being a problem at all.
I am glad that I am seeing my dr tomorrow. I have been having this funky thing happen when I try to eat or drink. It is almost like it gets stuck in my chest, and I have to breathe thru it to get the food/drink down the rest of the way. Hope he doesnt think I am a fruit cake!!
I am at the halfway point!! I am so excited!! Wait, it seems like I am always excited huh? I cant believe we are back to 20 weeks again. About the same time last year I was here too!! I still cant wait for March to get here! Seems like it is so far away yet! I know I should be enjoying this as much as possible, but I just havent. All I can think of is the end result. This will more than likely be my last pregnancy. I feel kinda guilty that I am wishing away my pregnancy. I think I have always wanted to hurry up each of my pregnancies. I do enjoy being pregnant for the most part. I guess the main thing I love about being pregnant is feeling the baby move. But there are certain things that I could do without. The main thing being the god awful heartburn that I have gotten with all of the pregnancies. And I think with Keaton, Carli, and now this one, I seem to get where I have horrible coughing fits. I dont really remember it much with Keaton, but with Carli it was HORRIBLE!! I have had two different fits of it with Mackenzie so far. And I still have 18 weeks to go! Sounds bad huh?? Me whining huh??
Watching "The Next Iron Chef" tonight, they had a commercial for the year 2008. I always get a little sad each year when the time comes to realize another year is going to be gone. I was thinking how 2007 has been. Of course, I had the birth of Carli to celebrate!! I think back to this time last year in 2006 and think of how happy I was, how excited. I had no idea that anything was wrong with Carli at this point. Well, I kinda knew, but didnt actually KNOW what it was just yet at this point. All seemed to be normal in my pregnancy. Then I think of Carli's birthday...how many different emotions I felt that day. Excitement, nervousness, anxiety, happiness, devastation, etc. And of course all of the other emotions that I have continued to feel thru out the year. I have such mixed emotions about leaving the year 2007. This was Carli's year!! And I know moving into the year 2008, Carli's year will be behind us, and we will be moving into Mackenzie's year. Such happy times are to come! I dont know if any of this makes sense to anyone. I have had a bad day! Things not even pertaining to either one of my little babies. But just wanted to get out some of the thoughts that have been in my head.
Ok! I wanted to let you know that I will be going to see my maternal-fetal dr at least one time. I am actually excited about this, and if I didnt have to pay to see him each time, i would continue to see him thru the rest of the pregnancy. He is a great man who looks a little like an Ewok!!! It is all set for us to go see him on Monday, November 19th. I am really hoping that he will do an ultrasound to make sure that he thinks all looks good too!! Well, I guess another reason I want him to do it is to make sure that Mackenzie is still a little girl!! I really dont think we have anything to worry about in that aspect, seeing as we got a pretty good labia shot! Or so Dr. S says!!! I am glad I will get to see Dr. E before Thanksgiving thou!! I think it will bring some more relief!!
On another note, i had a really rough time last nite. I was just sitting there watching "Kitchen Nightmares" and saw Carli's picture with her eyes open. For some reason, it really got to me. I think it is knowing that I will be getting a little girl (or so I am really, really hoping!!) to come home with me in March, and knowing it isnt my Carli. It is just so strange how one day you can be so extremely affected, and then the next it not be so bad. I guess it just isnt as overwhelming I should say. I am affected by Carli every single day...wether I realize it or not!!
On a lighter note, want to hear something funny?? I am sure Mikaela would kill me if she knew I was sharing this...but it is funny....now. When we were at the store the other nite, she asked me if we could buy some Ramen noodles. I told her sure, I kinda like having them around. Well, Monday nite we had a wonderful dinner of left over lasagna...but not alot of it. Later she decided that she was still hungry. So she decided to make some Ramen noodles. That is all fine and dandy until she hollers for me to come upstairs...as I am walking upstairs...I smell the horrible aroma of something burning...really bad!!! I holler and ask what's on fire??? She told me nothing but come upstairs. She is making the noodles in the microwave. Smoke is rolling out of my microwave...really nasty smelling smoke, that I can STILL smell today!! It was her noodles burning!! I get them out of the microwave and take the bowl outside. Casey comes up a this point and ask what the heck is going on....we tell him. He then ask Mikaela if she forgot to put water in the bowl!! To which she slaps a hand over her mouth and replys...."OH!!!" Yes, she completely FORGOT to ADD the water!!!! So, if anyone has any great ideas on how to get the stench out of my microwave, I would greatly appreciate it!!!
I sometimes hate that I cant take any anxiety meds when pregnant. I seem to be doing alot of worrying here lately. Not even pregnancy related. I am stressing about money! Which I almost always worry about. i really need to do better about budgeting. Also, we still have a ton of crap in the house we were renting before we got here. Yeah, I know...we have been here for a while...but I just havent wanted to go out there. Plus it doesnt help that the landlord guy is a biker dude who can be kinda scary if he wants to. We need to do some repairs out there, and get the carpet cleaned. My kids are hard on carpet! I would just get all the stuff and bring it here, but where we used to live was basically a little town built on a field...so mice love it out there! And I dont want to bring mice here!! So, I really need to get my rear in gear and just get it done!! But I am such a procrastinator!! And that is another thing that drives me nuts!! I know it needs done, but I am not getting it done!! One of the ladies that I used to work with at the pharmacy, is now city clerk for where we used live, (it is five miles from here), and I think she must have said something to my landlord, cuz he called last month, and said he really needs to get someone in there. this lady and I dont get along!! So, I am sure she did in vengeance. I just need to get it done!! But when I come home from work, I am so tired...I am hoping to get a major chunk of it done this weekend!!
I also have been thinking alot of Carli! Not that I dont think of her all the time anyhow, but this would have been her first Halloween! One of the ladies I work with now asked if I minded if she put Carli on the list for All Saint's Day at her church. I told her I didnt mind. My fave OB nurse, Kristin saw me Sunday at the store and asked if I had gone to church that day. Well, I didnt...I am really bad about not going to church. But she told me that she saw Carli's picture on the slide show that they did, and she lost it! The lady from work told me that she thinks alot of people lost it seeing a baby, when all the other people on there were older adults. I am so glad to know that there are so many people out there that have been affected by my sweet little girl!
We went out to the cemetery yesterday and threw away the little pumpkin that we took Carli for Halloween. For some reason I was really emotional going out and getting that. I sometimes feel guilty for how excited I am for this baby. i really do think Carli would want me to be happy....and I am sorry if I keep repeating that. I cant really remember what I have in each post! I have decided that I think this baby will wear home the outfit that we had gotten for Carli to wear home. Carli didnt get to wear it, but in my heart, I dont feel that she would mind this. I bought a cute little pack of socks that I think would match the dress perfectly, and also got a little 3 pack of headbands. Maybe when I get around to doing the belly pics, I will take a pic of that too!!
Last nite Casey and I had to make some choices for next years insurance. I would have never thought that Carli's death would have ever made me think of insurance different, but it did! We were trying to decide all the fun things like deductibles and maximum out of pocket expenses. I mean, I have always wished we could have the lowest possible out of pocket, but thinking about our hospital bills from this year, I have really, really wished we had lower. Casey told me that we arent going to have anything like this last year next year. I told him I sure hoped we didnt. They want any changes made by October 26th. I really just want to call my dr and ask him if we can get the ultrasound sometime next week, rather than waiting until October!! That way, as morbid as this sounds, we can change our out of pocket if we need to! How horrible is that thought!!! I hate it!!
I had a really crappy day at work yesterday! Some people think that their lack of planning should constitute as an emergency on our part!! I work in a pharmacy...I deal with this everyday!! But come on people!! You are not suppose to wait until they day you are out of meds to get it refilled!!! And YOU are suppose to make sure that their are refills on YOUR meds!! I had one lady call yesterday that is considered an acquaintance! Her youngest daughter was released from the NICU that Carli was in on the day Carli was born. Needless to say, this child, along with her sister have some major problems since they were both born premature. They take a med to help raise thier blood sugar. So you would think, as important as a drug as that is, that she would not wait until she is COMPLETELY out of meds!! She calls me yesterday and needs a refill for DD #1, but she is out of refills! DD #2's script wont be able to be filled until Friday. But she is completely out of both!! I tried to explain to her our situation on it...I really did feel bad that she would have to pay out of pocket for one of them, but it is beyond my control. It all worked out in the end, she got a dr from our local ER to call in a refill of the meds for her so it went thru insurance and she didnt have to pay a cash price, but I still felt crappy. So crappy, that I cried for quite a while!! I really do try to do what I can...but sometimes I am limited as to what I can do!! Plus it didnt help that they weather was really, really crappy yesterday too!! It rained all day long, and we were even in a tornado watch!!
I forgot that I wanted to say that my little baby in my widget actually looks like a little baby now, rather than a little alien!!
And, we are gonna be getting a new puppy!! Probably around September 16th!! A little boy!! We decided to name him Wickett, since he will kinda look like an Ewok!! He is a Morkie, which is 1/2 Maltese and 1/2 Yorkie!! I am so excited!! His momma is only 4.5lbs and his daddy is 3.5lbs! So needless to say, he will be a little guy!! We have already bought a little food/water bowl, and a super cute little, and I stress the word little, collar that says, "Bad to the bone!"
I cant wait to share pictures of him!!
And, Sunday, we went out the the cemetary to visit Carli, and Keaton never ceases to amaze me!! He always talks to Carli!! I think Casey and I were kinda down when we were out there, but Keaton made us smile!! He went over and showed Carli (leaned over where she is) and said, "Hey Carli, want to see my new tattoo? It is a dinosaur!!" He is just so sweet and innocent!!
I have my first prenate appointment today!! I will go for an ultrasound at 1:30 p.m. and then right after that I go see Dr. S! I am so excited, but so scared/nervous all at once. I had an u/s about this same time last time with Carli. Actually, they say that by the end of this week is when the risk for congenital problems drop. With Carli, they say her diaphragm didnt close up around this time. But the baby is too small to know that right now. As silly as it sounds, I did talk to my belly one day last week and told the diaphragm to do what it was suppose to do!!
Monday seemed to be kinda of a rough day again. Last Monday was the same way! I was very anxious and felt like I was gonna burst into tears at any moment! I think it was a combo of trying not to stress out about this appt, and that I had Chelsea's baby shower on Sunday. It went really well. I got pretty upset though, cause some of my family decided it would be nice to be fashionably late! I put on the invites that it was gonna start at 2 p.m. They decided to show up around 2:30-2:45! I was NOT happy!! I had to wait for them to show up so we could do all the games! After that though, it went smooth!
Here is the front!
And the back!!
I called the monument place about Carli's bench. He was very nice. Told me that it has been sitting in a dock in Georgia for the past 2-3 weeks. That he has really been bugging them to get it shipped. But i guess since fuel prices are so high, they have been stalling. He PROMISED to call me as soon as it was in. He said not to quote him, but that he thought it might ship out on Friday. I sure hope so! I am getting antsy waiting to see it!! I hope it is as beautiful in real life as it is in my imagination!!
Can I just say again how excited I am that we are expecting another little one in March!!! I have to admit though, that there are some fears there as well. I kinda cornered Casey the other night. Asked him what he thought of it all. I know he is happy about it, but I know there is the agony of the thought of having to go thru something like we did with Carli again.
I am really looking forward to my first prenate appointment on August 29th. God that seems like forever away!! I am scheduled for a sono thou. So, that should hopefully bring me some relief. Even though I had a sono at the same time with Carli. That was right after the diaphragm hadnt fully closed last time. Of course, it is too soon to be able to tell anything like that. You know...since they are so small and all!! Guess I will just have to keep plugging along until then huh!! Did I mention that that is FOREVER away!! *LOL*
Well, I have only know for 4 days, and have been itching to buy something baby. Today, i got to fill that urge. My mom and I are going to throw a baby shower for my brothers girlfriend, Chelsea. I pretty much refer to her as my sister in law.
Anyhow...I got to go buy baby stuff!! HA! HA! Casey!! *LOL* He cant understand my urge to want to buy something baby, no matter how small it might be!! I am so looking forward to this baby shower!! I got to buy diapers, wipes, pacis, bottles, washcloths, towels, burp clothes, baby soap...all the good stuff you know!! And of course all of the game stuff too!! We are going to do a baby word scramble, guess the baby food, fill in the blank nursery rhyme game, who has the dirty diaper?, memorize it, and The Baby came (a baby in an ice cube). Chelsea is really excited too!! I got the stuff to make my favors. Little pacis made from jelly beans and life savers, the chocolate bars that I have ordered the wrappers for, the little prizes for the winners of the games. For that, we got a really nice little candle that was 1/2 off (a whopping 50 cents) with a really nice bottle of body spray and a tube of same scent body lotion. Then we are also going to have a diaper raffle, where the winner gets a calgon bath pack. And of course, we have to make it easy for Chelsea to do her thank you notes, so we are going to have people address the envelopes for her, and she will draw one out for that person to win a little pedicure set. I think I am going to call our favorite scrap store and see if they will make me a nice little advice journal and have everyone put something in it for Chelsea while she is opening the presents!
I seem to have it pretty much planned!! Did it mostly today!!
Well, I must go lay down in my bed with my hubby. I guess he has missed me today!!
Wow!! I am so excited but nervous all at the same time!! I told my dr about my positive test. He is super excited for me too!! He said he has all his fingers and toes crossed for me. And that he feels this time it will go better. So far, I dont have any off feelings. So that is a good sign. He told me he would have his nurse Patty set up my first appointment and my first sono. They are officially set for Wednesday, August 29th!! I am so excited!
I really do feel that Carli had a hand in this. I had decided that I wasnt going to avoid trying this month. My SIL, Chelsea said she too thinks that Carli had a hand in this. She thinks that Carli thought it would be good to have some happiness around my sad time. I totally agree. My mom has told me that I am going to have to prepare myself for that. I have already thought of that. That has been on my mind since we started TTC. I know this journey is going to be hard, but i am excited to be on it. I am already anxious to find out what we are having. I had told Carli that we would really like another baby sister down here. I especially want a girl now!! I have all of those super cute outfits that I bought for Carli. And with the due date being only a week after Carli's birthday...it makes me want it all the more. So far, no feelings on what it is...I know it is too soon.
I do have to add that in one of my last few posts, I posted about my kids due dates. See, it is there!! Mikaela=August 4th, Carter=June 27th, Keaton=May 4th, Carli=April 4th, and this one is March 27th!
I talked to my favorite OB nurse, Kristin, yesterday. I told her all about it. She asked when the due date was...i told her March 27th, so she asked if I was wanting March 13th...I told her no, that what I really wanted was March 17th. She said she will call the dr and tell him that they have me set for a c-section on March 17th!!! *LOL* Only a few days in, and we got the date set!! I really hope my dr will let me do it! That is the 10-14 days before!!
I have only told a few people. I havent told my boss yet. He is leaving for Boston for a week next week. He usually freaks out, so I think I will wait until he gets back. He should be expecting it to come any time now thou. He has been warned that we were going to try again, and he said he knew I would!
Looks like we are gonna have another Spring Break baby!! That is when we had Carli last year!! Now I just need to come up with a cute little nickname for the baby. Any ideas??
Just went to the cemetery again to check and see if Carli's bench had made it yet. No real big surprise I guess that it still wasnt there. But I was rather excited to see a butterfly visiting her bush!! It was a really pretty black butterfly with orange circles on it. I loved watching it!! I am hoping the next time I go out there, that there will be another butterfly. I am going to see if I can take a picture of it!!
I learned also that it really does pay to not be a bitch when calling the phone company to complain. I ended up being on my cell phone for 45 minutes with the lady at the phone company. We got a letter telling us that our bank returned our payment to them. I called my bank on Thursday to ask if they showed where it had been run thru and sent back. They saw no such record. They told me there was more than enough in the account the day the payment was made. So, Thursday morning I called the phone company. The lady told me she was going to have to do some checking and call me back. No problem.
Fast forward to yesterday morning. My MIL called my cell phone and asked me what was wrong with the home phone. I asked her why? She said it was disconnected. I was not very happy at all. So, I take my mom up to her dentist appt, and decided I might as well call and see what was going on. I told the lady that my phone had been disconnected and that I was calling to check on it. I told her all about my previous phone call the day before. I told her we really didnt want to have to pay the $25 return check charge, since it hadnt even been sent to our bank. She said well, I could have a bank officer fax them a letter telling them that, and that I might be able to get it reversed. I said ok that I would do that, but you could tell I wasnt very happy. Then I asked her if we were going to have to pay the $25 for the reconnect fee. She said yes that we would have to. I explained to her that I hadnt paid it the day before cuz I was waiting for the lady to call me back with what she found out. She said there was no noting in the file that the other lady was going to call me back. I politely asked if there was anyone that I could talk to about getting that charge reversed. She said no, that we would have to pay it. So, I tell her ok....well, either way I need to pay my bill to get my phone back on. She informs me I cant pay by check, but would have to pay by debit card or credit card. I laughed...said fine, I would pay by debit card, but that it came from the SAME account that the online check came from. She laughed and said that I knew that and she knew that...she gets the payment processing and then ask me what kind of program we have on our computer. I told her, well, when I made the payment I had Windows XP, but now I have Vista. She was asking me how I liked it...yada yada. Then we start talking about internet service. She has DSL thru Embarq (the phone company) and I told her that we were thinking about getting that and getting rid of our cable Internet.
She asked me for the number to my bank, and asked me if I minded if she called my bank officer to inquire about whether the charge had gone thru my bank. I gave her the number and she got back on the line and told me that she was going to get the $25 charge for return check credited to my account. We kept talking, and she heard Mikaela in the background. She asked me how old my little ones were. I told her how old all of them were, including Carli. I ended up telling her all about Carli's story. She cried. She told me that she had lost a baby at 6 months gestation, about 41 years ago. It was a really amazing conversation!!
We ended up going ahead and getting us signed up for the DSL. She told me that she was going to make sure that our account was credited the $25 reconnect fee too!! And that there is a $15 connect fee for the service, and a $14.95 shipping and handling charge for the modem that they would send us. But, she gave us a $30 credit for that!
I was so excited!! Here at the beginning of the call I was thinking, Maybe I should really push to get my thoughts across....and instead, I remained my nice, calm self. And it paid off!! In the end, it ended up saving me $80.00!! So, I guess the moral of this story is being nice does pay off!!
As did Mikaela!! We played our make-up game last nite!! It was great!! We were tied 0 all thru 3 innings. Then the stinky Lebo team scored one run....score 1-0, them. Lebo beat the snot out of us in our regular season game, 11-2. It was not pretty!! But, I do think the crappy rain we had that day didnt help either. It was quite chilly and you could see some of our girls shivering!! Any way...back to the game from last nite! Mikalea's first at bat, she whopped the ball hard, nice hit, but it went right to the 2nd baseman who was in the right place!! Damn!! Great hit thou!! She had some awesome plays...including a backhand stop. A great throw to first that was a little high, and our first baseman didnt catch. Another play where she stopped the ball, but it got a little away from her. But she went after it, slipped in some mud and landed on her butt...but still managed to toss a good toss to the 3rd baseman...but the runner was just a little quicker!! We go to bat at the top of the 5th, with Mikaela being first batter! I honestly cant remember where exactly she hit the ball...but it was a good hit and she got a single!! That was the start to a great inning! We scored 6 runs!! All starting with Kaela's hit!! She even ended up back up to bat...but we had scored our 6 run limit for the inning!! Lebo comes up to bat in the bottom of the 5th. Time has expired at this time....so if they dont score more than 6 runs, we win! Payton pitched really good!! She was on fire! If only you could see this girl. She is a petite girl...but an awesome ball player!! We had one of the Lebo girls that hit the ball straight at Kaela's but it went thru her legs, into the outfield. That girl ended up with a homerun...but it was illegal!! Her own team pointed out that she hadnt touched 2nd base. But we only had one official behind the plate. So it didnt get called!! But that didnt matter!! We WON!!! 6-2!! It was great!! The girls were so pumped!! I hope it continues to tonites game. I think we play Yates Center, who is an awesome team!! They stomped us 13-0 when we played them regular season. I am hoping we can avenge that game too!! I believe if we win that game, we go on to play another game tonite for championship!! That will mean for some tired girls!!
We have headed out to the cemetary quite a few times to see if Carli's bench has made it in. It isnt out there yet! I am really hoping it will make it today. We shall see!! I am so excited to see it! I hope it turns out as good as it is in my head!! As soon as it is out there, I will try to get a picture!!
Keep your fingers crossed!! It looks like the sky is clouding up!! Damn!! Stay away rain!!!!
Carli Update #2 (February 26, 2007)
"We have had a rough week and a half or so. We went up to Kansas City to see the specialist up at KU Med on the 15th of February. We went in and he basically told us that there was a chromosome defect and that he recommended an amnio to verify it. I was fine with the amnio, decided that we needed to know exactly what was going on. At his U/S he said that he thought there was a hole in her heart, but that it was in an odd place, that her liver was rotated and that there was a cyst on it, that her kidneys were hooked together in a horseshoe shape, and that she has something called rocker bottom feet. He pretty much gave us absolutely NO hope!! I went in on Friday to see my regular dr after telling work that there was no way that I was going to be able to be there that day!
I went in and my dr said that basically this dr told him there was no hope either. The KU dr wanted me to be induced, which isn’t going to happen after 2 c-sections, and basically let her die. My home town dr, Dr. Sides and the specialist in Topeka, Dr. Evans, both felt that was a little crazy. They did a test called a fish test, which tested 5 of the chromosomes over night. Friday afternoon about 4pm they called and said that that test came back "surprisely normal". But we needed to wait for the full amnio results to come back before we knew anything certain. They told us that if we hadn’t heard from them by Thursday to give them a call. Well I called Thursday afternoon, got the machine, left a message. Called Friday, same thing. Called this morning, same thing!! I had a follow up appt with Dr. Evans in Topeka today.
Today was a relief!!! They told us that this dr in KC had grown at least 100 pairs of chromosomes to test. They ALL came back NORMAL!!! I guess in most cases they only test 12-40. Dr. Evans felt so bad for how this all went down, even though it isn’t his fault!! I expected this dr to be blunt, which he was, but he could have had a little tact too!! He called me last Monday to make sure that I had gotten the results to the FISH test, which I told him I had. He then asked if I had any questions. I told him I had one....did she have any lung growth at all. His response was...."Yes, but that’s not a concern anymore!!" All I wanted was a yes or no answer!!!
Dr. Evans did another u/s today and didn’t see anything that the KC dr had. He was surprised when he was told about all that the other dr had seen. We are still going to have to deal with the CDH diagnosis, but we don’t have the chromosome issues to deal with now. We are running pretty close here...down to the wire. We are 3 weeks from when my c-section was originally planned for. We have some quick decisions that have to be made about where we will deliver and such. I have more hope now than I did about a week and a half ago. I know we still have a battle ahead of us, but at least it is a little more positive. On the positive side....we got to see her practice her breathing, which is a very good sign considering the CDH diagnosis. There is not any extra amnio fluid, which is common with CDH babies. The tech told us that there is pretty good lung growth on the left side, which is where the stomach is coming up thru the diaphragm. She is weighing in right where she should be for this age...estimated to be 5lbs 11 oz at this point. And the amnio did reveal that she is for sure a Carli Mae!!
I will be having a non stress test done at least once a week, and next week we will have another u/s to make sure that everything still looks ok with growth and the amnio fluid. We are seeing about setting up an appt with the Children’s hospital in KC for the end of this week.
We would appreciate it if you all would keep us in your thoughts and prayers still!! We still have a rough road ahead, but at least I am being able to see the positive side now!"
Here is the first update that I sent everyone when we found out more about Carli. I am too lazy to type out a big long description.
Carli Update #1 (approx Jan. 26, 2007)
"There are many of you out there that I told we would update you when we found anything out regarding Carli's condition. I figured since there are so many that I am suppose to tell, so I decided to just make one message that I can share with everyone. We went to Topeka yesterday and spoke with the specialist. He said that Carli does have CDH, and that there is some of her stomach and some of her bowel in her chest cavity. I will not be delivering in Topeka either, since it is out of their scope. Sounds like it will be Kansas City, and I will deliver at either KU Med Center or St. Luke's, and then Carli will be transported to Children's Mercy Hospital. The specialist told us that Carli will more than likely have to be on ECMO, which is where they have her lay on her left side of her head, and insert 2 tubes into her neck that will help oxygenate her blood for her, so that her left lung can hopefully grow some while it rest. To be honest that was really the one thing that I was really hoping she wouldn't have to have. I guess there really isn’t too many places that do ECMO, and that children's mercy is one of the top 4! That makes me feel about this () much better. Carli will be intubated right after birth, which i am really sad about. I am having a really hard time with all of this info. There is so much that I need to get done, and I don’t know that I will get it all done before I have to go deliver her. Before this diagnosis, i was counting down the days...couldn’t wait for my c-section date. Now, I am finding that I don’t want each day to move, because that is when Carli is really going to have to start fighting. I will be honest with you all and tell you that I am terrified. I am going to try to be as optimistic as possible, but I know that I need to prepare myself for both scenarios. So far, Carli seems to be a stubborn little girl!! At our first ultrasound (u/s), she had her face facing inside my body, rather than out, so that they couldn’t get a good picture. Then yesterday, she was really comfortable with her arm right up above her face. And she wouldn’t move it!! They estimated her weighing in at 3 lbs 11 oz yesterday. She is doing really well with everything else!! Her heart rate was great...at 124bpm. They told us that they think she has hair!! I am suppose to go see my regular dr again next week, then go back to see the specialist in 4 weeks, which is when we are suppose to let him know where we would like to try to deliver her. We also have an appt on Feb.16th to meet the group of drs that will be working with Carli at Children’s Mercy. I have so much going thru my head right now. There is so much to worry about. I worry about my other kiddos. I know that I am going to want to be in KC as much as possible, but know that I can’t neglect them either. Then of course there is financially, and work. The list goes on and on!! This so was not the way it was all suppose to go!! We had everything planned down to when the c-section was going to happen. Well, I suppose I should end this for now. Please, if you believe in prayers, please say one or two for Carli and our family. If you don’t believe in prayers, will you at least keep us in your thoughts. I know we will need them all!!"
Ok...we probably do need the rain...but did it have to rain today? Mikaela was suppose to have a ball game tonite. The first nite of her tournament! We were all kinda bummed thou, cuz she has to play a really good team that only lost one game!! Yikes!! Oh well...guess it has been delayed for now! I was bummed too because she was suppose to go on a cool field trip today with the Rec Center to a place called Marble Madness. But I told her she needed to stay home instead since they werent due to be back until 4:30 and she was probably going to have to head out right around that time. They never schedule stuff on Wednesdays...it is suppose to be family nite with church and the such! So, we not only didnt have a ball game, but she also didnt get to go on her field trip.
On a good note about Mikaela and softball....she was so hyped! Last Thursday at her last regular season game...she got to pitch!! She has only been wanting to do it all season!! And she did really good!! I dont think she had one crazy pitch! Way to go Mikaela.
We had Carter's 5th birthday party this weekend! It went really well....we had some of his friends from his preschool class there, along with one of the kids from the sitters, and our neighbor's little girl. There were tons of kids here it seemed! He had a TMNT party! The pinata went over really well as usual. It was great!!
The only bad part about Carter's party was when I lost it and ended up going into Carter's room and cried. The kids were all so anxious to get started with the pinata, and my neighbor started recording it on the video camera. After the pinata, we came inside and had Carter open his presents! That is when it hit me...I dont think I fast forwarded it to the end. I went up to Carter's room and checked the tape. I had the most sickening feeling in my stomach!! I HADNT fast forwarded it!! And that was the tape that we had taped Carli with! I have been beating myself up for days now. I am so pissed off at myself!! What was I thinking having that tape in there!! I know there is nothing that can be done now...other than trying to get over it!
On the TTC front...I ordered some ovulation predictor kits. They should be in my order tomorrow at work. I also ordered some Lydia Pinkham herbal stuff. Dont know if it works or not, but I am gonna at least look at it. Next week on the 5th is when Fertility Friend says my ovulation is predicted for according to my cycles. Please let this be my cycle. I have mixed feelings about us concieving this cycle. If we go according to my period, my due date would be March 27, 2008. That is kinda hard to imagine that I would even attempt to try to have another baby at the same time frame. But, if it is meant to happen, then it will. I figure that is just a chance I am willing to take. My ideal time for a baby would be in May. As silly as it sounds, that way I could finish out my consecutive month of births...I have Carli in March, Keaton in April, no one in May..Carter in June, and Mikaela in July.
The Butterfly bush that we planted for Carli is doing great!! When the boys and I went out and watered it last nite, we saw the first bloom on it!! A pretty little purple flower!! I will have to take pictures to show!! We still dont have the bench out at Carli's site. Carter keeps asking me when will Carli's stone be there. I am really expecting it sometime this week...but it is suppose to rain all damn week. So, if it is raining he wont be able to come and place it! =( The Butterfly plants are looking pretty good!! There are 3 of them...one is really big and bushy, the second one is a little smaller, and the last one is still looking pretty wimpy. We have been teasing Keaton that that is his plant. It has been getting just a little more extra miracle grow than the others..well, maybe just a little more water!
Well, how is that for the mother of somewhat update? I will try to post more often. Should be a little easier since ball season is pretty much over!!
I had one of my customers come into the pharmacy and ask me how I was. Then he asked me how my baby was. I then had to explain what had happened with Carli. I know he didnt mean it the way it came out, but he said, "Well, at least she didnt live that long." I of course kept my cool. But in my head I was screaming, "WHAT??? At least she didnt live that long????" I know what he meant, but come on! I really dont hold it against him. I sit there and look at her picture and the same question comes up. Why Carli? What did any of us do to deserve to not keep her with us? I feel like a broken record. And it kills me!! Sometimes I feel like I am just barely making it thru the day. It seems like when I get to work, I wish the day away cuz I dont want to be there. I feel like sometimes I have a front going on. I cant really let what I am feeling inside show on the outside. Then it all comes back to thinking about another baby. Which sometimes I feel guilty for wanting. I know in my heart that Carli understands my desire to have another baby so soon after her, but I still feel horrible.
I am glad that we have softball/t-ball to keep us busy this month! I dont know what I will do next month. I know something will pop up...I was reading Jana's blog and felt so sorry for her. I can only begin to imagine what it is like to have Carson with her, and be thinking of Drew. I have thought about what it will be like when we have another one. I know that I will be thinking of Carli thru all of the steps.
In our new house here, the playroom would have been Carli's bedroom. Right now it is a mess with some toys and other stuff that doesnt have a home yet in it. Mikaela had told me that Carter told her the other nite that they need to clean it up for the next baby. That made me smile..I think having another baby will help us ALL heal some. Carter even asked me if we have another sister what her name will be...cuz he doesnt want to name another baby Carli. I told him to not to worry about that!! I have thought of another middle name that I like to go with Mackenzie...that is, if Casey would even go for it!! Mackenzie Lanae....I dont know if he will go for it thou...he wasnt too fond of the name Kaia..so I can only imagine what he will say about Lanae!! *LOL*
