Today is my oldest baby's birthday!! 10 years ago today, I became a mommy for the first time!! We went and stayed at a hotel last nite, since I had today off. We went and saw Shrek the 3rd today too!! All in all, I think it was a good day!! I cant believe I have a 10 year old though!!
Happy birthday my sweet little girl!!! I love you more than you can know!!!
After I had Carli, one of my doctors, the maternal-fetal dr, told me something very helpful. He told us that for the rest of our lives, it is going to be like walking on a beach. For the most part, we will have little waves lapping at our feet, but there will be some big waves that come and knock us off our feet. You know, that has been true. When I see him again, I plan on telling him how true it is!!
I was reading this over on Calypso's page. I dont know if her mom, Melissa, wrote it, or if she found it somewhere, but this hits the nail on the head!! I printed a copy of it to have with me. I just wanted to share it, in case anyone wants to see it!!
What everyone should know
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm 'over it' or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no 'normal' way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be 'over and done with' in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be 'over' this.
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ''normal' you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say 'next time things will be okay'. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
And so far, it seems like they have all taken it really good! I had a few that were really excited for me! Which that helps alot! I even took some belly pics already!! I have decided that I am going to do that this time. I didnt do it with Carli, and I really regret it now. Assuming everything goes right, this will be our last baby. Kinda sad.
I have yet to tell my boss. He is going to a convention this week in Boston. I thought I would wait until next week to tell him. That way he can enjoy his time away without stressing about me being pregnant. We have another girl at work that is pregnant and is due the middle of next month. We didnt know she was pregnant when we hired her, or he probably wouldnt have hired her. She seems to be doing ok, but you know. She isnt anything like how I am when I am pregnant and working.
I have been having the same crazy itching of my legs this time that I did last time when I was pregnant with Carli. It drives me batty!! And for the last week or so, I have been having lower back pains. Yesterday was the worse it has been so far. I put a heat pack on it, one of those disposable ones, and it helps alot. Think I might have to buy some more of those to keep on hand!!
I talked to my specialist's nurse yesterday. He is actually the dr that delivered Carli. Liz was super excited for us. She said they normally see you around 20 weeks, since the baby should be nice and big for an u/s. Unless of course my dr here wants me to see him sooner. I am really looking forward to that appt. She checked her calendar and told me that that will be right before Thanksgiving! I think it would be so cool to know what we are having by then!! I am keeping my fingers crossed for that!!
I called the monument place about Carli's bench. He was very nice. Told me that it has been sitting in a dock in Georgia for the past 2-3 weeks. That he has really been bugging them to get it shipped. But i guess since fuel prices are so high, they have been stalling. He PROMISED to call me as soon as it was in. He said not to quote him, but that he thought it might ship out on Friday. I sure hope so! I am getting antsy waiting to see it!! I hope it is as beautiful in real life as it is in my imagination!!
Can I just say again how excited I am that we are expecting another little one in March!!! I have to admit though, that there are some fears there as well. I kinda cornered Casey the other night. Asked him what he thought of it all. I know he is happy about it, but I know there is the agony of the thought of having to go thru something like we did with Carli again.
I am really looking forward to my first prenate appointment on August 29th. God that seems like forever away!! I am scheduled for a sono thou. So, that should hopefully bring me some relief. Even though I had a sono at the same time with Carli. That was right after the diaphragm hadnt fully closed last time. Of course, it is too soon to be able to tell anything like that. You know...since they are so small and all!! Guess I will just have to keep plugging along until then huh!! Did I mention that that is FOREVER away!! *LOL*
Well, I have only know for 4 days, and have been itching to buy something baby. Today, i got to fill that urge. My mom and I are going to throw a baby shower for my brothers girlfriend, Chelsea. I pretty much refer to her as my sister in law.
Anyhow...I got to go buy baby stuff!! HA! HA! Casey!! *LOL* He cant understand my urge to want to buy something baby, no matter how small it might be!! I am so looking forward to this baby shower!! I got to buy diapers, wipes, pacis, bottles, washcloths, towels, burp clothes, baby soap...all the good stuff you know!! And of course all of the game stuff too!! We are going to do a baby word scramble, guess the baby food, fill in the blank nursery rhyme game, who has the dirty diaper?, memorize it, and The Baby came (a baby in an ice cube). Chelsea is really excited too!! I got the stuff to make my favors. Little pacis made from jelly beans and life savers, the chocolate bars that I have ordered the wrappers for, the little prizes for the winners of the games. For that, we got a really nice little candle that was 1/2 off (a whopping 50 cents) with a really nice bottle of body spray and a tube of same scent body lotion. Then we are also going to have a diaper raffle, where the winner gets a calgon bath pack. And of course, we have to make it easy for Chelsea to do her thank you notes, so we are going to have people address the envelopes for her, and she will draw one out for that person to win a little pedicure set. I think I am going to call our favorite scrap store and see if they will make me a nice little advice journal and have everyone put something in it for Chelsea while she is opening the presents!
I seem to have it pretty much planned!! Did it mostly today!!
Well, I must go lay down in my bed with my hubby. I guess he has missed me today!!
Wow!! I am so excited but nervous all at the same time!! I told my dr about my positive test. He is super excited for me too!! He said he has all his fingers and toes crossed for me. And that he feels this time it will go better. So far, I dont have any off feelings. So that is a good sign. He told me he would have his nurse Patty set up my first appointment and my first sono. They are officially set for Wednesday, August 29th!! I am so excited!
I really do feel that Carli had a hand in this. I had decided that I wasnt going to avoid trying this month. My SIL, Chelsea said she too thinks that Carli had a hand in this. She thinks that Carli thought it would be good to have some happiness around my sad time. I totally agree. My mom has told me that I am going to have to prepare myself for that. I have already thought of that. That has been on my mind since we started TTC. I know this journey is going to be hard, but i am excited to be on it. I am already anxious to find out what we are having. I had told Carli that we would really like another baby sister down here. I especially want a girl now!! I have all of those super cute outfits that I bought for Carli. And with the due date being only a week after Carli's birthday...it makes me want it all the more. So far, no feelings on what it is...I know it is too soon.
I do have to add that in one of my last few posts, I posted about my kids due dates. See, it is there!! Mikaela=August 4th, Carter=June 27th, Keaton=May 4th, Carli=April 4th, and this one is March 27th!
I talked to my favorite OB nurse, Kristin, yesterday. I told her all about it. She asked when the due date was...i told her March 27th, so she asked if I was wanting March 13th...I told her no, that what I really wanted was March 17th. She said she will call the dr and tell him that they have me set for a c-section on March 17th!!! *LOL* Only a few days in, and we got the date set!! I really hope my dr will let me do it! That is the 10-14 days before!!
I have only told a few people. I havent told my boss yet. He is leaving for Boston for a week next week. He usually freaks out, so I think I will wait until he gets back. He should be expecting it to come any time now thou. He has been warned that we were going to try again, and he said he knew I would!
Looks like we are gonna have another Spring Break baby!! That is when we had Carli last year!! Now I just need to come up with a cute little nickname for the baby. Any ideas??
Today's Results!! 07/19/07
Yesterdays results, above!!! 07/18/07I will try to come and explain feelings tonite when I have more time!! But for now, I am excited, and nervous all at the same time!!
Well, I tested this morning. Still a negative. Got symptoms...just dont know if it is for AF or pregnancy. Guess time will tell! More waiting!
I hate waiting!! I will admit that I can be pretty impatient!! That is the case right now. I am trying not to read too far into anything at this point. The past couple of days when I have tested to see if we are gonna have a baby....they have been negative! It was negative again this morning. FF gave me a test date of tomorrow. I have been having bouts of nausea...and it sucks. I have also been having some faint cramping. Nothing too bad, but still..... I am nervous for tomorrow. I know how down I will end up being all day if AF decides to come visit tomorrow. Have I mentioned I hate waiting!!
But that is all there is time for.......WAITING!
I am really getting anxious. My chart for TTC is looking really good. But I am nervous that it will all come crashing down here in a day or two (possibly even today!) Each month that I have AF come, just tears me up. I remember with Carli it took us 3 months of actual trying. That is the point we are at now. It drove me nuts then too, but this time around it all seems so different. Maybe it is because I now know that there is always the real possibility of not bringing home a baby. I dont know....I just am ready for it to happen!!! I have little signs that I never realized that happen each month. I always seem to get really irritable right before I start...and all though this seems to be TMI, I always seem to be a little gassy too. I went back and looked at my last months chart....and I show that I was irritable the same day of my cycle last month that I was this month....7 DPO. Damn!!! With the gassy part though, I am a little farther behind on it...but now that I know it happens, I hate it!!! And I know that Fertility Friend tells you to wait until the test date...but I got a + HPT with Carli at 9 DPO. Therefore...I usually start testing that day. Just once a day, with first morning urine. So far, yesterday and todays test have both been negative....such a bummer. Oh well....just gotta keep going with my saying...."What happens.....happens!!"
I thought of another little quirky thing. I was thinking of my kids due dates....Mikaela was due Aug 4th, Carter was due June 27th, Keaton was due May 4th, and Carli was due April 4th. Projected due date if this is the cycle is March 27th. I just thought that was interesting...crazy huh?
On a good note...I get to go scrapping again today!! Chelsea, one of my brother's, Dustin, girlfriend and I went for about an hour and a half on Friday. Just enough to make us crave more. So we are heading back to our favorite little scrapbooking store, Scrappers, today. The last time we actually scrapped was March 2006. We went on a little weekend excursion. Little did we know that it was a really religious scrapbook event. I usually need music to help keep me motivated. Well, the played music alright...but it was churchy music. Really, I dont have a problem with that...but I really wasnt expecting that. Needless to say...it sucked the motivation out of both of us! I did get a few pages done...but not nearly enough to justify a 3 day weekend away scrappin. Chelsea and I got our first tattoos down in Wichita thou!! Those did make for a really cool 2 page layout!! We have been talking for a while about going scrapping again. Here 16 months later...we are finally doing it!! I am really hoping to get motivated again!! I have a ton of Carli's pictures to scrap, but seem to be at a loss as what to do with all of them....Maybe I will just make some cards to get me going!!
Just went to the cemetery again to check and see if Carli's bench had made it yet. No real big surprise I guess that it still wasnt there. But I was rather excited to see a butterfly visiting her bush!! It was a really pretty black butterfly with orange circles on it. I loved watching it!! I am hoping the next time I go out there, that there will be another butterfly. I am going to see if I can take a picture of it!!
I learned also that it really does pay to not be a bitch when calling the phone company to complain. I ended up being on my cell phone for 45 minutes with the lady at the phone company. We got a letter telling us that our bank returned our payment to them. I called my bank on Thursday to ask if they showed where it had been run thru and sent back. They saw no such record. They told me there was more than enough in the account the day the payment was made. So, Thursday morning I called the phone company. The lady told me she was going to have to do some checking and call me back. No problem.
Fast forward to yesterday morning. My MIL called my cell phone and asked me what was wrong with the home phone. I asked her why? She said it was disconnected. I was not very happy at all. So, I take my mom up to her dentist appt, and decided I might as well call and see what was going on. I told the lady that my phone had been disconnected and that I was calling to check on it. I told her all about my previous phone call the day before. I told her we really didnt want to have to pay the $25 return check charge, since it hadnt even been sent to our bank. She said well, I could have a bank officer fax them a letter telling them that, and that I might be able to get it reversed. I said ok that I would do that, but you could tell I wasnt very happy. Then I asked her if we were going to have to pay the $25 for the reconnect fee. She said yes that we would have to. I explained to her that I hadnt paid it the day before cuz I was waiting for the lady to call me back with what she found out. She said there was no noting in the file that the other lady was going to call me back. I politely asked if there was anyone that I could talk to about getting that charge reversed. She said no, that we would have to pay it. So, I tell her ok....well, either way I need to pay my bill to get my phone back on. She informs me I cant pay by check, but would have to pay by debit card or credit card. I laughed...said fine, I would pay by debit card, but that it came from the SAME account that the online check came from. She laughed and said that I knew that and she knew that...she gets the payment processing and then ask me what kind of program we have on our computer. I told her, well, when I made the payment I had Windows XP, but now I have Vista. She was asking me how I liked it...yada yada. Then we start talking about internet service. She has DSL thru Embarq (the phone company) and I told her that we were thinking about getting that and getting rid of our cable Internet.
She asked me for the number to my bank, and asked me if I minded if she called my bank officer to inquire about whether the charge had gone thru my bank. I gave her the number and she got back on the line and told me that she was going to get the $25 charge for return check credited to my account. We kept talking, and she heard Mikaela in the background. She asked me how old my little ones were. I told her how old all of them were, including Carli. I ended up telling her all about Carli's story. She cried. She told me that she had lost a baby at 6 months gestation, about 41 years ago. It was a really amazing conversation!!
We ended up going ahead and getting us signed up for the DSL. She told me that she was going to make sure that our account was credited the $25 reconnect fee too!! And that there is a $15 connect fee for the service, and a $14.95 shipping and handling charge for the modem that they would send us. But, she gave us a $30 credit for that!
I was so excited!! Here at the beginning of the call I was thinking, Maybe I should really push to get my thoughts across....and instead, I remained my nice, calm self. And it paid off!! In the end, it ended up saving me $80.00!! So, I guess the moral of this story is being nice does pay off!!
I dont know if it was because it was just the boys and I here last nite or what. I was just watching tv, and all of the sudden felt really down. There are a number of things it could be. One is it could just be me feeling sad about Carli again, but I dont feel like that is it. I could just have been bummed since this is technically my first nite staying without Casey in this house. Or it could be a little hormonal deal. When I was pregnant with Mikaela, before I knew I was pregnant with her...I would lay in bed after Casey had fallen asleep, and just cry. I didnt know why...but I did. I later found out it was the hormones that i didnt know were flowing thru me. I am really hoping that is the case for me.
If that is what it is....I feel a little bitter sweet about it. Our due date would be March 27, 2008. Our little Carli was born and became an angel on March 20, 2007. I have mixed emotions. I decided that I wasnt going to avoid this month...cuz I do still believe what happens....happens.
On a weird side note...I have always kinda laughed at this...but so far it has held true, with the exception of Casey! Mikaela and I were born in 1997 and 1977, both odd years. Carter and Keaton were born in 2002 and 2004, both even years. Then we had Carli in 2007, odd year. So, if we do conceive, I think the next one will be a boy, since the year of birth will be 2008. I have to be honest though...I really want my theory to be off....cuz i would really love to have another baby girl! Casey throws it all off thou.....he was born in 1975. Oh well, I really cant wait to test the theory. I do have to admit though, this child may not even be conceived yet, but I already have a strong feeling it will be a boy!!
Casey and Mikaela took Jordan, our nephew, to the airport today. Since his flight was so early, the went up last nite with my MIL and stayed at a hotel. I know Mikaela is going to be super sad today. Jordan used to live here, but has since moved with Casey's sister to AZ. Jordan is only 6 months older than Mikaela...and they are usually pretty close. I am bummed for her today.
Well, I have to go get Carter ready for a birthday party he is going to today. A fun filled day at the pool and then a sleepover. I hope he stays. I will update that later!!
Not too much of a change, but I felt I needed something different. I really need to see if I can learn how to change it up a bit more. I figured maybe if I change it up, then it would motivate me to post something.
Not too much has been going on! We had Carter's birthday party...which turned out really good. I will have to get motivated to get some pics of it up!! Mikaela's team got 3rd in the tournament. We got beat out by Yates Center, 10 to 2 I think it was. I really think the girls already had it in their head that they were gonna lose!! Which is really sad...cuz they are a good bunch of girls!!
Last Saturday after I got off work at 2pm, we went to Worlds of Fun/Oceans of Fun! My aunt had tickets thru her work. The kids only got to go to OOF for about 30-45 mins...but I think we might have to make another trip up there soon!! The boys had so much fun!! This time I got to ride 2 rides!! Spinning Dragons, and the Patriot!! I rode them both with Mikaela...and really enjoyed it!!
Casey sent me a text message about taking the month layoff that they offer at work. I think I am going to let him do it. He gets 80% of his pay. I wish I could do something like that with my work. I just get so burned out sometimes. I love my job, but I am having a hard time there right now.
My poor lilac bush that our banker gave us after Carli passed, has passed too!! I dont know if it was too much rain that we got that killed it or what! I am not a good gardner!! It looks really bad all dead and brown in the corner of my yard!! Oh well...what can I do?
But on the other hand, the butterfly bushes and plants that are out at Carli's site look great!!! The plant I think it is, has really beautiful purple blooms on it!! Now if only we could see Carli's bench out there with it all!! I am really upset that it isnt there yet!! I would have rather him have told me that it would take longer rather than shorter. He told me 2 months...and it has been more than 2 months. I go out there almost every day to see if it is there. I guess it wont really make much difference when it comes thou. It wont bring my Carli back, but I guess I am really looking forward to people seeing her bench. Crazy huh?
I really should go clean my house. But it is my day off, and that just doesnt sound like any fun! I am going to try to talk Casey into letting me go scrapping tonite at my favorite scrap store. I havent gone scrapping since March 2006. Pretty sad huh? I really need to do some pages on Carli. But I seem to kinda be at a lose of what to do with her pages. I am hoping the inspiration comes to me when I get to the store, if I get to go!!
I guess I close this out with telling you that I wrote a message to Carli in the sand at the beach the other day. It said, We miss you Carli! We heart you!!
And that is so true Carli, we miss you and love you and not a day goes by that I dont think of you!!
And we lost!! Yates Center beat us 10-1. I think the girls had it in there head that they were gonna lose! We had the bats swinging!! But all the hits were going right back to the pitcher!! And the pitcher and first baseman were a good combo!! I dont think the first baseman dropped one ball!! Whereas, our first baseman did! Poor girl...she was beating herself up!! And we had one mom that was being pissy. I guess some of the girls went swimming yesterday, and they dont recommend any swimming the day of a game....but I dont think that was the reason we lost!! It was a bummer, and I really wish Kaela's team could have beat Yates Center.
We did go up the hill and watched one of our other home teams beat Yates Center!!! That was really exciting. That was the next best thing...if we couldnt be #1, then we didnt want YC to be #1!
As did Mikaela!! We played our make-up game last nite!! It was great!! We were tied 0 all thru 3 innings. Then the stinky Lebo team scored one run....score 1-0, them. Lebo beat the snot out of us in our regular season game, 11-2. It was not pretty!! But, I do think the crappy rain we had that day didnt help either. It was quite chilly and you could see some of our girls shivering!! Any way...back to the game from last nite! Mikalea's first at bat, she whopped the ball hard, nice hit, but it went right to the 2nd baseman who was in the right place!! Damn!! Great hit thou!! She had some awesome plays...including a backhand stop. A great throw to first that was a little high, and our first baseman didnt catch. Another play where she stopped the ball, but it got a little away from her. But she went after it, slipped in some mud and landed on her butt...but still managed to toss a good toss to the 3rd baseman...but the runner was just a little quicker!! We go to bat at the top of the 5th, with Mikaela being first batter! I honestly cant remember where exactly she hit the ball...but it was a good hit and she got a single!! That was the start to a great inning! We scored 6 runs!! All starting with Kaela's hit!! She even ended up back up to bat...but we had scored our 6 run limit for the inning!! Lebo comes up to bat in the bottom of the 5th. Time has expired at this time....so if they dont score more than 6 runs, we win! Payton pitched really good!! She was on fire! If only you could see this girl. She is a petite girl...but an awesome ball player!! We had one of the Lebo girls that hit the ball straight at Kaela's but it went thru her legs, into the outfield. That girl ended up with a homerun...but it was illegal!! Her own team pointed out that she hadnt touched 2nd base. But we only had one official behind the plate. So it didnt get called!! But that didnt matter!! We WON!!! 6-2!! It was great!! The girls were so pumped!! I hope it continues to tonites game. I think we play Yates Center, who is an awesome team!! They stomped us 13-0 when we played them regular season. I am hoping we can avenge that game too!! I believe if we win that game, we go on to play another game tonite for championship!! That will mean for some tired girls!!
We have headed out to the cemetary quite a few times to see if Carli's bench has made it in. It isnt out there yet! I am really hoping it will make it today. We shall see!! I am so excited to see it! I hope it turns out as good as it is in my head!! As soon as it is out there, I will try to get a picture!!
Keep your fingers crossed!! It looks like the sky is clouding up!! Damn!! Stay away rain!!!!
Well, the good news is that it isnt raining at the moment. But it is still dreary and overcast. I guess the one good thing about all the rain is that at least we wont have to worry about the grass catching on fire from the fireworks!!
Speaking of fireworks...I am really bummed about a few things. #1 is that I should be worrying about how Carli would react to them. But I dont have that to worry about. The other thing is that the 4th is on a Wednesday this year. That really sucks!! Casey is usually in bed by 8 or 8:30pm since he has to get up at 3:15am. I guess we might have to do our fireworks tonite so he can enjoy them too.
We had a middle school girl come and watch the boys for a little over an hour last nite. It was suppose to be 1 & 1/2 hours. She is Mikaela's best friends sister. All in all I think it went really well. She said she would come and watch them again sometime.
I am trying to figure out what I want to do today. I of course dont want to stay home. Imagine that!! I know the kids are going to want to do fireworks. Keaton has already mentioned it to me!! *LOL*
Last nite, Casey and I were laying down in our room, and Keaton came down looking so sweet dragging Carli's little purple blanket. He wanted to sleep with us because of the big bad wolves. He told us that they couldnt get him in our room, and then proceeded to lock our bedroom door to keep them out!! It was pretty darn cute!! Then he is climbing on the bed, and Casey told him there was one right there....poor guy freaked out and started crying. Bad bad daddy!! But it sure was funny!! Keaton has been cracking us up with some of the things he says!!