Just Taking It Day by Day

Oh such good news!! My dear wonderful friend Kate has had Myles!! Here is a link to her blog, since I am illiterate and cant do it the cool way,(http://www.everythingisundercontrol.blogspot.com/). I am sure this is a day that seemed like it would never make it here for her! I am so, so happy for Kate. Words cannot describe how much love is being sent her way!!

Thanksgiving is behind us. We hosted it at our house for some of my family. It seemed to go pretty good. There is a story to go with it thou. We were sitting in the kitchen, and Casey had taken the turkey that was marinating in the brine out of the fridge. Mikaela came in the kitchen and reminded me that Tuesday would have been Carli's 8 month birthday. To which I replied that I had completely missed that. Casey decided to be sassy at that point and asked me if I had already forgotten about Carli. I know he was giving me a hard time, but that is NOT something to even tease about!! It really bothered me and I was just about ready to bust into tears....then Casey tried moving the turkey breasts to drain into the sink....and the damn bag burst all over ME!! Talk about shock!! It shocked the tears away!!

Which brings me to a whole other issue!! I think part of the reason that I missed Carli's 8 month birthday is the fact that we had an appt with the maternal-fetal specialist on Monday, that and the fact that we were getting ready for Thanksgiving. Our appt went wonderful!! We got a ton of pics of Mackenzie!! Everything is looking terrific! She is measuring right on for where she is at...we saw the heart, the diaphragm, the stomach, her face. All looked wonderful! He asked if we wanted to come back, at which point I told him that was up to him. We are going to go back and see him on January 14th I think it is, just to have him check her lungs and all that good jazz. I see my regular dr tomorrow, and will take him a copy of the report too.

I am so ready for March to be here. I think Casey is getting tired of hearing me say that. I am sure everyone is tired of hearing me say it. But it is true!! I really am not wanting to wish away time, but I think I realized when Kate made the announcement that Myles was here, that I just want to hold my baby girl!

I went up to where will eventually be Mackenzie's room today. I actually took the onesies out of the packages, and the blankets too. That is something I didnt do with Carli. I think I took one blanket out...I am even tempted to wash all the clothes that I do have. But part of me is nervous to do that. I really want to go buy a few of the big things for Mackenzie. I saw a really cute pink pack n play that I want to get. I have a dark blue one that I have used with the other kids....but I really want a pink one for her. I can always have one upstairs and one downstairs. I also have never really had a real decorated nursery for any of my kids. Now that we live in our own house, I would love to actually do one. I have even found some really cute bedding that I like.

When I was up in Mackenzie's room, I went out to the car and got Carli's diaper bag from the back of the car. How bad does that sound?? I havent even brought in the diaper bag. I have a bunch of other stuff here, but I hadnt brought that in. I found some interesting info in there about grieving and about neonatal death. Maybe I wasnt ready for that at the time. But it all made sense to me today when I read it.

I am trying to decide if I want to use Carli's diaper bag for Mackenzie or not. I mean, it only makes sense that I should...but....

The really funny thing is...I have a thing about butterflies...they remind me of Carli. We bought Carli's diaper bag the night before we had her...literally! Guess what is on it....BUTTERFLIES and flowers. How weird is that! I never even made that connection before TODAY!! I have had my eye on a diaper bag at Wal*Mart that is brown with pretty pink/orange stripes. I might still get it, just in case. But I have been thinking about getting some of the stuff ready for the bag. Like the coming home outfit, and a few other outfits. Casey's aunt Jo got Carli a really cute little white preemie dress that Carli never got to wear. I think I might have Mackenzie wear that for the pictures that the hospital takes. I will make sure it is ok with her of course, but I dont see it being a problem at all.

I am glad that I am seeing my dr tomorrow. I have been having this funky thing happen when I try to eat or drink. It is almost like it gets stuck in my chest, and I have to breathe thru it to get the food/drink down the rest of the way. Hope he doesnt think I am a fruit cake!!

A long, long time ago. Why am I complaining about this?? Because if I dont blog about it, I might very well hurt my very own 5th grader. I asked Mikaela earlier tonite if she had any homework...her response....No. Guess what I hear at 9 p.m. Mom, I need a 5 minute speech for tomorrow.

Wait a second...I think I asked if there was any homework!! Why am I hearing this NOW?? I happened to luck out of having to take speech class in high school. Much to my daughter's dismay I am sure now. Mikaela tells me that her group has nominated her to run for her 5th grade class president...against one of the doctors kids! And that she needs a 5 minute speech!! I dont do speeches!! I am just not good with that kind of stuff. Especially when I am hit with it on a Monday nite! Mondays are always the worst!!

So, I help her out...but what I get her is only about a minute long! I told her that was the best I had for her...she was gonna have to try to find 4 more minutes!!

Then I just tried to give Keaton some of my cough medicine because he is hacking away....that was a disaster waiting to happen. I think it is a horrible, no good day!!!

I am at the halfway point!! I am so excited!! Wait, it seems like I am always excited huh? I cant believe we are back to 20 weeks again. About the same time last year I was here too!! I still cant wait for March to get here! Seems like it is so far away yet! I know I should be enjoying this as much as possible, but I just havent. All I can think of is the end result. This will more than likely be my last pregnancy. I feel kinda guilty that I am wishing away my pregnancy. I think I have always wanted to hurry up each of my pregnancies. I do enjoy being pregnant for the most part. I guess the main thing I love about being pregnant is feeling the baby move. But there are certain things that I could do without. The main thing being the god awful heartburn that I have gotten with all of the pregnancies. And I think with Keaton, Carli, and now this one, I seem to get where I have horrible coughing fits. I dont really remember it much with Keaton, but with Carli it was HORRIBLE!! I have had two different fits of it with Mackenzie so far. And I still have 18 weeks to go! Sounds bad huh?? Me whining huh??

Watching "The Next Iron Chef" tonight, they had a commercial for the year 2008. I always get a little sad each year when the time comes to realize another year is going to be gone. I was thinking how 2007 has been. Of course, I had the birth of Carli to celebrate!! I think back to this time last year in 2006 and think of how happy I was, how excited. I had no idea that anything was wrong with Carli at this point. Well, I kinda knew, but didnt actually KNOW what it was just yet at this point. All seemed to be normal in my pregnancy. Then I think of Carli's birthday...how many different emotions I felt that day. Excitement, nervousness, anxiety, happiness, devastation, etc. And of course all of the other emotions that I have continued to feel thru out the year. I have such mixed emotions about leaving the year 2007. This was Carli's year!! And I know moving into the year 2008, Carli's year will be behind us, and we will be moving into Mackenzie's year. Such happy times are to come! I dont know if any of this makes sense to anyone. I have had a bad day! Things not even pertaining to either one of my little babies. But just wanted to get out some of the thoughts that have been in my head.

Someone was asking for pics of our tattoos on one of my baby boards. I thought I would come and share them here too!!

This is the first one I had done in March 2005. the four leaf clover is for my wish of having another baby (which turned out to be Carli) and for luck, and the 3 hearts were for Mikaela, Carter, and Keaton. It is on my right hip.

I went up to have the last one done, and they had to draw it up, so while we had been waiting I found this one!! I fell in love with it. It is pink angel wings and a blue halo (as close as they could get to Carli's birthstone) with her name and date of birth. This tattoo was actually pretty helpful in helping me heal after losing her. It is on my right ankle.

And this tattoo has all of my children in it. The blue butterfly is Carli up in Heaven, with the red butterfly for Mikaela, the purple dragonfly is for Carter, and the white dragonfly is for Keaton. The colors of the butterflies and dragonflies are the color of the kids birthstones. When I get the chance there will be another butterfly underneath the boys' dragonflies in the same color butterfly, but the shape of Mikaela's butterfly, as Carli's. It is on my left hip.

Ok! I wanted to let you know that I will be going to see my maternal-fetal dr at least one time. I am actually excited about this, and if I didnt have to pay to see him each time, i would continue to see him thru the rest of the pregnancy. He is a great man who looks a little like an Ewok!!! It is all set for us to go see him on Monday, November 19th. I am really hoping that he will do an ultrasound to make sure that he thinks all looks good too!! Well, I guess another reason I want him to do it is to make sure that Mackenzie is still a little girl!! I really dont think we have anything to worry about in that aspect, seeing as we got a pretty good labia shot! Or so Dr. S says!!! I am glad I will get to see Dr. E before Thanksgiving thou!! I think it will bring some more relief!!

On another note, i had a really rough time last nite. I was just sitting there watching "Kitchen Nightmares" and saw Carli's picture with her eyes open. For some reason, it really got to me. I think it is knowing that I will be getting a little girl (or so I am really, really hoping!!) to come home with me in March, and knowing it isnt my Carli. It is just so strange how one day you can be so extremely affected, and then the next it not be so bad. I guess it just isnt as overwhelming I should say. I am affected by Carli every single day...wether I realize it or not!!

On a lighter note, want to hear something funny?? I am sure Mikaela would kill me if she knew I was sharing this...but it is funny....now. When we were at the store the other nite, she asked me if we could buy some Ramen noodles. I told her sure, I kinda like having them around. Well, Monday nite we had a wonderful dinner of left over lasagna...but not alot of it. Later she decided that she was still hungry. So she decided to make some Ramen noodles. That is all fine and dandy until she hollers for me to come upstairs...as I am walking upstairs...I smell the horrible aroma of something burning...really bad!!! I holler and ask what's on fire??? She told me nothing but come upstairs. She is making the noodles in the microwave. Smoke is rolling out of my microwave...really nasty smelling smoke, that I can STILL smell today!! It was her noodles burning!! I get them out of the microwave and take the bowl outside. Casey comes up a this point and ask what the heck is going on....we tell him. He then ask Mikaela if she forgot to put water in the bowl!! To which she slaps a hand over her mouth and replys...."OH!!!" Yes, she completely FORGOT to ADD the water!!!! So, if anyone has any great ideas on how to get the stench out of my microwave, I would greatly appreciate it!!!

I sometimes hate that I cant take any anxiety meds when pregnant. I seem to be doing alot of worrying here lately. Not even pregnancy related. I am stressing about money! Which I almost always worry about. i really need to do better about budgeting. Also, we still have a ton of crap in the house we were renting before we got here. Yeah, I know...we have been here for a while...but I just havent wanted to go out there. Plus it doesnt help that the landlord guy is a biker dude who can be kinda scary if he wants to. We need to do some repairs out there, and get the carpet cleaned. My kids are hard on carpet! I would just get all the stuff and bring it here, but where we used to live was basically a little town built on a field...so mice love it out there! And I dont want to bring mice here!! So, I really need to get my rear in gear and just get it done!! But I am such a procrastinator!! And that is another thing that drives me nuts!! I know it needs done, but I am not getting it done!! One of the ladies that I used to work with at the pharmacy, is now city clerk for where we used live, (it is five miles from here), and I think she must have said something to my landlord, cuz he called last month, and said he really needs to get someone in there. this lady and I dont get along!! So, I am sure she did in vengeance. I just need to get it done!! But when I come home from work, I am so tired...I am hoping to get a major chunk of it done this weekend!!

I also have been thinking alot of Carli! Not that I dont think of her all the time anyhow, but this would have been her first Halloween! One of the ladies I work with now asked if I minded if she put Carli on the list for All Saint's Day at her church. I told her I didnt mind. My fave OB nurse, Kristin saw me Sunday at the store and asked if I had gone to church that day. Well, I didnt...I am really bad about not going to church. But she told me that she saw Carli's picture on the slide show that they did, and she lost it! The lady from work told me that she thinks alot of people lost it seeing a baby, when all the other people on there were older adults. I am so glad to know that there are so many people out there that have been affected by my sweet little girl!

We went out to the cemetery yesterday and threw away the little pumpkin that we took Carli for Halloween. For some reason I was really emotional going out and getting that. I sometimes feel guilty for how excited I am for this baby. i really do think Carli would want me to be happy....and I am sorry if I keep repeating that. I cant really remember what I have in each post! I have decided that I think this baby will wear home the outfit that we had gotten for Carli to wear home. Carli didnt get to wear it, but in my heart, I dont feel that she would mind this. I bought a cute little pack of socks that I think would match the dress perfectly, and also got a little 3 pack of headbands. Maybe when I get around to doing the belly pics, I will take a pic of that too!!

But here I am!! I have wanted to come post results of the big ultrasound...I have really. But it seems like every time I think about coming to do it, I either get side-tracked or just dont know what I want to say! but thanks to a few ladies....here I am!!

My ultrasound went wonderful!! The tech showed us where the heart was, where the stomach was, and most importantly, where the diaphragm was. Everything was where it is suppose to be. I literally let out a HUGE sigh of relief. The tech showed us the four chamber heart...and we got to see a really nice skeleton view of the face! *LOL* Our tech, Gretchen, did keep telling me thought that she was having a hard time getting a good shot of the "Goods". Casey and Keaton had gone with me. Right around this point, Keaton stated that he had to poop!! That's my Keater!! Always lightening the mood!! *LOL* So, I told Casey to go ahead and take Keaton to the bathroom...at which point I asked Gretchen if an earthquake might help our situation. You know what I mean, right?? Where you do the tummy jiggle to get the baby to switch postions! She said it couldnt hurt anything...so that is exactly what I did!! And it worked!!! Not only did it work, but this child gave a really nice shot of it!! Gretchen wouldnt even guess before this point. She later told me that at first she thought girl, then she thought boy. But I believe Gretchen wouldnt have told me if she wasnt pretty sure!! So, I am sure at this point you are wondering why am I not telling you huh?? I know, I am just being mean!

Well, I am very pleased to announce that we are more than likely going to have another baby GIRL!!!! I am beyond thrilled! But, I do want to mention how I have had a few bouts of guilt. I am so excited to be having another baby girl...sometimes I feel that I am cheating Carli with all of my excitement. I really do think thou that Carli would want me to be happy, and excited..and all those other emotions! As crazy as this sounds, I really do feel that Carli had a hand in making sure that I got another little girl.

As for names, I reminded Casey that he told me we could discuss them once we knew what it was. Casey told me that maybe the kids could help with this one. I have talked with all of the kids on this one. Mikaela's choice is Mackenzie Lynne and Carter likes Maeryn. As for my little Keaton, well, he always finds a way to melt my heart. We were talking about it on the way to the babysitter one day. I was telling Keaton all of the names that I liked. He informed me that "Carli needs a baby sister named Kenzi!" Those are the boy's words!!! Casey thinks I have the kids brainwashed into choosing that name. Which really isnt true, since here lately I have fallen in love with the name Kolette. But Mackenzie was one of my top choices. Now I am trying to decide how I want to spell it. I am thinking of dropping the "E" maybe. Mackenzi....hmmm...I dont know yet! Guess I need to work on that. But I have decided that I really like the middle name of Grace. Mackenzie Grace....I think it flows really well. Casey did say NO on that one, but I really, really love it.

Keaton has been calling the baby Kenzi, so I am guessing that will more than likely be her name. Also, I have just recently been feeling some movement. Another huge relief! It was rather cute the other day. I was laying on the couch watching t.v., and Wickett was laying at the bottom of my tummy and I felt Kenzi kick. Well, Wickett must have felt it too!! He jerked his little head up and looked around like "What the heck was that?"

I am doing really well at this point. The heartburn, oh the nasty heartburn, hasnt kicked in yet. I am hoping that maybe I wont get it as bad this time. Yeah, I know....very wishful thinking huh? I do have to admit, that at my last appointment, I gained 8, yes, 8 pounds. I about fell off the scale!! My doctor wasnt worried about it. I only gained a little more than that my WHOLE pregnancy with Carli!! He told me as long as I dont gain that every month, and as long as my glucose test didnt come back at 400, then I was fine. I am glad he is ok with it...but WOW!! He told me not to go and start being anorexic...I laughed and told him not to worry...that wasnt going to happen. I love food too much for that!! *LOL*

Guess that really is all there is to update about. Sorry I didnt get it done sooner!!!