Just Taking It Day by Day

I had one of my customers come into the pharmacy and ask me how I was. Then he asked me how my baby was. I then had to explain what had happened with Carli. I know he didnt mean it the way it came out, but he said, "Well, at least she didnt live that long." I of course kept my cool. But in my head I was screaming, "WHAT??? At least she didnt live that long????" I know what he meant, but come on! I really dont hold it against him. I sit there and look at her picture and the same question comes up. Why Carli? What did any of us do to deserve to not keep her with us? I feel like a broken record. And it kills me!! Sometimes I feel like I am just barely making it thru the day. It seems like when I get to work, I wish the day away cuz I dont want to be there. I feel like sometimes I have a front going on. I cant really let what I am feeling inside show on the outside. Then it all comes back to thinking about another baby. Which sometimes I feel guilty for wanting. I know in my heart that Carli understands my desire to have another baby so soon after her, but I still feel horrible.

I am glad that we have softball/t-ball to keep us busy this month! I dont know what I will do next month. I know something will pop up...I was reading Jana's blog and felt so sorry for her. I can only begin to imagine what it is like to have Carson with her, and be thinking of Drew. I have thought about what it will be like when we have another one. I know that I will be thinking of Carli thru all of the steps.

In our new house here, the playroom would have been Carli's bedroom. Right now it is a mess with some toys and other stuff that doesnt have a home yet in it. Mikaela had told me that Carter told her the other nite that they need to clean it up for the next baby. That made me smile..I think having another baby will help us ALL heal some. Carter even asked me if we have another sister what her name will be...cuz he doesnt want to name another baby Carli. I told him to not to worry about that!! I have thought of another middle name that I like to go with Mackenzie...that is, if Casey would even go for it!! Mackenzie Lanae....I dont know if he will go for it thou...he wasnt too fond of the name Kaia..so I can only imagine what he will say about Lanae!! *LOL*